Bad Vibes

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 It's apparently been over a year since I have tried to write something personally. But, it's probably been way longer than that since I felt like writing a diary. And, the last time I tried writing creatively was definitely in the early 2020s. 

Overall, I've shrunk. 

Yet, I have been privately, constantly, been screaming.

I have been spending so much of my time trying to insert myself in conversations and places in the name of taking up space. In therapy today I said that I didn't want to leave my job because I was worried if I didn't stand up to a workplace bully that there would be people who would have to deal with them after me. Do I really have to be the person fighting any particular fight though? Does anyone even really want me to? Who is asking me to do this beyond a previous version of myself that didn't realize this was a fight I would be in?

If I'm being honest, I think I mostly act out of self interest. And I think people can smell it. The vibes are off.

Or, there's a degree of hapless desperation that people can see in me that would probably be excellent to make fun of on a horrific reality show. It's not something most people want to experience live. I don't want to experience it live. If only it was simple enough to be cancelled out of life. Then I could be friends with Taylor Swift...

I've been trying to work it out though, because I feel very strangely like I am not being heard by most of the people I thought I could depend on. I think this is a pattern I've possibly perpetuated on the people that I know and I don't know how to turn it off. In therapy I'm being told I have a real sense of justice and morality - but is that really what is happening? If I really cared about people would I feel so alone all the time? Would I feel like in every conversation people can tell there's something a little off about me?

I've been trying to have a lot of conversations with people who I respect and the one thing they routinely say is that someone mentored them. People took them under their wing and guided them to where they are and showed them paths forward. And, I can't help but think, why not me? And I think I do know the answer - a deeply rooted inauthenticity. I am the drag queen you hate on every season of drag race. The bitter clueless one that thinks they are killing it for the camera but is clearly delusional. My drag name is Delulu Lemons. Except that's totally a taken drag name- don't come for me, I can Google too.

I wonder if I'm ever going to be able to think outside of myself. I am constantly telling Collin to think outside of himself and that's actually completely crazy because I have no idea if I'm ever doing that. It feels like I've probably never done that a single day of my life. I wish I were a white man because I bet with this level of narcissistic dangerous toxicity I would be literally killing it. Maybe if I were a man in general I'd be getting away with a lot more, but I will never know. 

I need to stop watching to many YouTube video essays and start reading more. I have gotten over halfway through Parable of the Sower but I started it in February and all I can think about is not being able to survive a societal collapse. I miss prestige television and sitcoms. I feel I have fallen into a Love Is Blind tailspin and maybe I really am starting to believe in a culture of spinning out. What is reality anymore if everyone is trying to be a reality star? I literally don't know. It's a struggle that can only be expressed through many, many raccoon memes.

Anyway, I hate my job so much I'm in therapy and a lot of debt. I hate this world so much I think I love it. It's a very codependent relationship. Can I just blame capitalism? I think I'm going to blame capitalism. 

So what is the point of this small rant? I think just a reminder that I am mentally ill and screaming into the void.

Anyway here's an unverified video about how private equity firms are taking over vet clinics and VCA and Banfield are owned by the same company: 


And a reminder that veterinarians have an extremely high suicide rate - so spay and neuter your pets and volunteer at your local animal shelter because public services don't get enough help and capitalism is driving me off an overpass.

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