Problematic

Back to work. It's hard some days not to take the grayness of a rainy morning personally. Although, I suppose, I am not sure how a sunny day would be better. I guess it is more accurate to say that it is hard some days not to take the continued existence of the universe personally. I know others have suffered arguably greater losses within the last few days. Human life should typically outweigh that of an animal, I guess. But is it my fault that my best friend was a cat? Probably. I don’t know what the proper time frame to grieve would be…I am torn between trying to convince myself she was just a cat and dedicating so much emotion is becoming a spectacle (I knew she would no longer be here one day, even if I apparently hadn’t accepted that fact) and the urge to hold onto this pain like her body. As though trapping this tightness in my chest for the rest of my life will slowly regenerate her over time and bind her to me for eternity. That would be cruel, though, wouldn’t it?...

Isis died this morning. Or last night. I'm not sure. I wasn't there. I have been drinking. And my day has been filled with tears. Sobbing, really. About every half hour. I still can't fathom that the world has changed. Life is going to continue for me without her. I got her for Christmas somewhere around 2009. When my ex and I first started dating we saw a kitten outside his apartment complex that we were not able to catch. Then during the winter some time later there was a cat at the stairs. We were living together at this point. I approached it and it let out this very peculiar and off-putting screech of a meow. I can't believe I will never hear that sound again. She was kind, though. She didn't run. She let me approach and pet her, but we went upstairs without bringing her in the first time. She stayed there because it was a particularly cold winter and I think she wanted someone to let her in...the next time I saw her I picked her up and carried her insi...