Problematic

I don't know why I just signed up for OkCupid. I mean I do know why. I'm about to take the long break from Myex and I kind of want to try to eliminate him from my heart completely. Apparently, there's a lot of baggage. I might only want him because I don't like to lose. I might be a crazy person. I don't want to do this. I don't even want to date him right now, but I feel like I need to kill the deep desire I have to be with him again after law school. Or undergrad. Whenever I have more time and energy. Whenever I feel like a better person. I'm terrible with his daughter, though. I burned that bridge when she was little because her dad and I fought often and I took it out on everything and everyone. I feel terrible about it. I became my mother. Withholding because I hated my life in general. I never wanted to be that way. I wonder now if my mother is bi-polar as well. I wonder about a lot of people being secretly bi-polar now that I'm finally on medi...

2016 SURPRISE~!! Last post was not the last post!! Are you incredibly excited? We get to continue this horrid journey together with no destination in sight?! SO AM I!!! I have had a few epiphanies in the last couple of days that might be swinging me back into a "manic" episode. One of which is that I am tired of my obsessive fucking guilt for doing things that I want to do that I think might make me feel better. The trigger for this has been a few terrible conversations I have had in the past couple of days- which ended in the decision to go to therapy and distance myself from my family for a while. From most people. As though they are the problem... 2017: Things are ever changing, but I come back, always, to a couple of base desires: to be kind, to be happy, to be loved. These are things I have been trying to achieve for the bulk of my 28 years of consciousness and I honestly feel no closer to any of them. Or to anyone. My bed smells slightly of burnt cloth becau...

I don't know what's wrong with me. I was so happy earlier. Preparing for the new year I have to come to terms with the fact that I have ruined everything. I have ruined everything and not-so-slowly isolated myself. I am truly, overwhelmingly, alone. There's no one left to deal with my shit. And what did I expect? I'm not a good person and I do not deserve good things. I think it's time to give up my pen-name. I think maybe I need to let my more extravagant dreams die. This might be my last post. I've never really been able to get a handle on what I wanted out of life, but maybe that's because I'm not the type of person who can have the luxury of desire. Ambition was always internally destructive. This might be the best I can manage until I manage to die. Just being a cog, for the most part reliable, but unlovable. I don't know how many times I can have someone kindly tell me they want the best for me. I don't know how to live up to whatev...

A day of multiple posts!! A day of sadness and regret... A day of Elliott Smith. I need to get batteries for my keyboard. I am annoyed that it needs batteries and wish to protest, but I also wish to learn to play several things, and I am sure the latter urge will break through my tantrum. I started a list, briefly: Interpol, Elliot Smith, The Strokes, Beirut. Perhaps I will eventually start a band, or join a band, and in doing so further prove my worth. Sometimes I miss singing. But I am conflicted in all aspects of my own beauty and talent, so I don't dare to sing aloud when not drunk anymore. Or in the company of my former love. I suppose that was the one intimacy I allowed. It's weird now, being so emotionally and physically distant from someone I have loved for so long. I imagine it's likely less painful for him now that there's an expectation of distance. So I keep waffling between the amount of vulnerability I should show, especially after my first big e...

It seems that now that I am on my own this blog is living up to it's tag line a little more. Freedom seems to be more of a burden than anything else. Maybe because I am not giving myself enough time to properly be free? The apartment is lonely without the cats. My ex has his daughter so his life is better fulfilled without me and for the most part my friends are coupled, whether with significant others or siblings. So I jumped on Bumble because it seemed a like a better quality of guy than Tinder. Maybe I shouldn't have allowed myself that illusion. In the week that I have been on the app I have had two dates and two hook-ups. I think I might need to go back on my medication. I am not sure how healthy any of this has been. My first "date", and my favorite, was a hook-up that just led to me being ghosted. Or perhaps the guy was actually nice and tragically died after leaving my apartment. I might toy with different narratives that allow me to smooth over the ...

My friends and I have hit a very weird age. We've accepted we are most likely never getting married (except for the one who did, that bitch) and have moved on to the pursuit of being fabulous drag-queens. All I have ever wanted in life is to be a beautiful gay boy in amazingly elaborate costume. RuPaul's Drag Race is our new home. I recognize that this is probably appropriation, but The Lonely Hearts Club Band can't escape who they are any more than anyone else can. My greatest disappointment in life is probably that I will never be as gorgeous and interesting as Sharon Needles. I need this. I need them. "If you can't love yourself, how in the hell are you going to love somebody else?" has become my new mantra. Especially since I think I just got ghosted. That's okay, though. My sense of self-worth still relies too heavily on the way I might be perceived by others. It's crippling emotionally and creatively, so I have to let this go. If someone can...

I have been on extra large Tylenol and muscle relaxers for a couple of weeks. It has not been as fun as it would have sounded in my early twenties. Nothing is, though. I found a new show that I love and promptly binged through it all. You may not have heard of it, unless you're a much bigger TV nerd than myself, but it was on for 3 years before it was struck down by the powers that be: Happy Endings! I can only hope to one day be the Penny of my social circle- and have a social circle. Right now all of my interactions are pretty heavily segregated by - I'm not sure. Personality aspects? Era? I think it's closer to era. I have my college friend, my post-college-wandering friend, my last-retail-job friend and then friends from each of my longer lasting office jobs. I have no idea how to merge them and I'm a little uncertain if I want to...It's probably for the best that my social life is so fractured because I am better at navigating smaller groups. Anyway, Ha...