Problematic

I don't know why I just signed up for OkCupid. I mean I do know why. I'm about to take the long break from Myex and I kind of want to try to eliminate him from my heart completely. Apparently, there's a lot of baggage. I might only want him because I don't like to lose. I might be a crazy person. I don't want to do this. I don't even want to date him right now, but I feel like I need to kill the deep desire I have to be with him again after law school. Or undergrad. Whenever I have more time and energy. Whenever I feel like a better person. I'm terrible with his daughter, though. I burned that bridge when she was little because her dad and I fought often and I took it out on everything and everyone. I feel terrible about it. I became my mother. Withholding because I hated my life in general. I never wanted to be that way. I wonder now if my mother is bi-polar as well. I wonder about a lot of people being secretly bi-polar now that I'm finally on medi...

2016 SURPRISE~!! Last post was not the last post!! Are you incredibly excited? We get to continue this horrid journey together with no destination in sight?! SO AM I!!! I have had a few epiphanies in the last couple of days that might be swinging me back into a "manic" episode. One of which is that I am tired of my obsessive fucking guilt for doing things that I want to do that I think might make me feel better. The trigger for this has been a few terrible conversations I have had in the past couple of days- which ended in the decision to go to therapy and distance myself from my family for a while. From most people. As though they are the problem... 2017: Things are ever changing, but I come back, always, to a couple of base desires: to be kind, to be happy, to be loved. These are things I have been trying to achieve for the bulk of my 28 years of consciousness and I honestly feel no closer to any of them. Or to anyone. My bed smells slightly of burnt cloth becau...

I have been watching way too many KDramas lately. I'm like hitting peak usage. I'm bound to overdose. It's a surrogate for personal romance. I downloaded the Bumble app again a week or so ago, but I have not brought myself to actually speak to anyone. I can still see the people that already liked me, and I think a few of them are attractive, but I can't force myself to be interesting. Or mysterious. Or unique. I don't know what method will bring me love. The romance in front of me is a sure thing. It will be intense. It will be sweetened by a personal history of suffering on both sides. It will be honest and deep. I cannot assume the same of any relationship I enter into. I hit another milestone, though! This morning I put air in my own tires. It was a great accomplishment for me- it wasn't something I was taught when I started driving. When I got my own car there was a very nice guy I worked with who helped me air up my tires a few times. He was lovely, and...

My housewarming party was a success. Unrivaled and unwarranted. The Kitten scratched me, but that was the furthest extent of failures for the evening. She has since calmed down and feels secure, nuzzled in the newest, and softest, addition to our blanket collection. Have I mentioned that Dig is the single most thoughtful and amazing human being I know? He is. He brought three house warming gifts- two of which were puns. A candle, a blanket, and a wine holder. I feel like the wine holder is a pun as well, but I'm too stupid to get it. He's a literary genius. And the singular best guest in the world. You would be lucky to have him show up at one of your parties. I'm a little surprised he made time for mine. But enough of fan-girling Dig. Lies and Coll were also in attendance and they were looking fierce. Lies reminded me that I need to thrift/second-hand shop a little more often because the flared skirt she had on was killer and definitely not bought full price. Fast f...

The house is a mess. But I have been productive and creative, so I don't feel so bad about it being this way. It is not such a mess that I couldn't easily replace things where they "belong" again. I finished some of my mood boards and they are hanging on the walls along with photos of Isis (some that include My Ex). I have a picture of him and his daughter that someone must have taken a few years ago. They look very happy, and I think I should give it back, but they were the closest thing I had to a family of my own for a little while, and though it's not something I really want anymore I wanted it once and it's hard to let go of that missed opportunity. I probably wouldn't be a good mom, though. It's probably better that things worked out this way. For all her madness, clinginess, and uncunning machinations Stassney might be a great mom. Perhaps if only because her obsession might mean that she loves more and is more forgiving. I shouldn't hate ...

There are events you prepare for that color the day. Every moment is tinted, awash, with sadness. A murky, smothering color that catches in your breath. You shouldn't breathe color. I like blue and gray, so I don't think I would associate either color with this feeling. It's more surreal. A cloudy sepia tone. Hot and abrasive. It's been overwhelming. We picked her up at 4:15. I had already had a few sobbing fits and when the young lady handed her little brown box to me I startled her with my emotion. This in turn startled me. How could this not be normal? How could someone find the strength in little more than a week to keep themselves composed in this moment? How could I be expected to hold back my tears when I recognize her name on the small wooden box? I clutch it as I clutched her body when I found her and feel this new texture. This new body. So delicately carved with flowers. No perceivable way to open it. A shining black placard on the front- engraved with a ...

The feeling of loss is duller. It’s just a new awareness that travels with me. A constant buzzing that’s more annoying than painful. At times it feels on the cusp of overwhelming, but it rarely spills over. I feel higher functioning today. I have her photo as my home screen and lock screen wallpapers. I look at her often. It's a coping mechanism, but I'm not sure to what end. Sometimes it feels as if I am trying to convince myself she was always a memory. Sometimes it feels like flagellation- penance for allowing this to occur- trying to keep the wound open. I realize now that I did a weird and probably cruel thing when I got the call reporting her gone. I asked if he was sure. I wanted to believe this was some sort of bizarre joke. Or a mark of his stupidity that he couldn't tell. Or maybe there was still time to save her. I wanted to believe that last one until I picked her up and was alarmed at how rigid the thing I was holding was. I was explaining to a friend ...

I have been technically unemployed for 3 days. I have done absolutely nothing. Some writing. Mostly watching. I still miss Penny Dreadful , I ran through that way too fast. Right now I am considering how to allow myself to be "goofy." Comedians are kind of goofy and I take myself way too seriously to be truly outrageous. Goofy just wasn't a big draw growing up. Nor was being opinionated. And it's really hard living alone so I kind of stifled both urges- although I guess the people I really enjoy being around are the people I feel I can be closest to myself with. Still there's always some kind of filter- I try to play to the crowd. I have realized as an artist I heavily rely on others wanting to be a part of my world. If I can't convince a large group of people that I am worth taking interest in I will never be successful. I have gone out of my way to avoid feeling at the mercy of society for so long but I now see that isn't feasible unless I repress my...

I have never understood the title of that album, but I do really enjoy Beck. He seems like a nice guy. I am entirely too excited by having ten views on a post. Entirely too excited. I imagine one of my loved ones is just clicking it over and over again. I'm also pretty excited that my Twitter account has followers with little check marks next to them. It's an all around great period for my social media-ing. Mostly because I have low expectations. I am aware social media is unlikely to get me the career breaks I want. I am not sure how to get those beyond some kind of "networking," but I'll figure it out. It feels like right now is a turning point. In my recent bout of "OMG WHY?!" I took some head-space to look for a bigger sense of purpose. COMEDY! no longer seemed like a good answer, though absurdism and sarcasm will remain my primary forms of communication, so I have settled on "positive change." It's something that has been build...