Problematic

As I listen to the soft sparkling crackle of my diet root beer I consider that I need to work on my storytelling ability. Less so than my homework, but I am in a malaise and do not feel inclined to study. So whatever distractions I can conjure up are welcome. I think the language I use has its flourishes, but I probably don't elaborate enough. I have been in the world of business too long. In an office people are quite annoyed when you drawl on. The inability to clearly and concisely explain a problem or what you want in an encounter makes you seem foolish and weak. I often seem foolish and weak, but I try to be direct in my own bumbling way. It is a poorly formed skill that only seems to detract from my creative life more than it assists my professional one. The last guy I drunkenly hooked up with was a pretty decent storyteller. Although, I think I had a gin and tonic and a bottle of champagne before he showed up. I might have been an easy audience. He did not really look lik...

Tonight I met someone new. His name is Cesar and he is awkwardly silent. He speaks with purpose. Steady and deep. The pacing of his sentences seems to emphasize the silence in between the words, giving them an artificial weight, that I must assume is a manifestation of his anxiety. There are fireflies out. NPR has been educating me this summer on the reason fireflies had gone away since my childhood (Texas was very dry for a while) and how deeply disturbing their blinking truly is.  I love NPR now much more than I thought I ever would. There was a time I really despised the idea of listening to someone talk for extended periods of time. I think I had too many people talking to me at the time about things I didn't care about. Now I listen to the news and know what Aleppo is off-hand, which is slightly better than some. I feel like the re-emergence of fireflies is just another way the world seems to be moving back to a time I remember better and slightly more fondly. My childhood w...

I am trying to get into the habit of going to sleep at 10pm. This feels very early, but I want to get into the habit of waking up at 5:30am. That sounds disgustingly early. It's how early I would need to be up, though, to drink water, have breakfast, and go for a run. I want to be a more productive person. Productive people are supposed to have healthy productive person habits. In part, this theory doesn't ring true, because there are people like Van Gogh. But, we can't all be prolific geniuses who cut our ears off, so- I suppose it's better to try to procure productive people habits rather than hope that I will leave in the remnants of my destruction a body of work that astounds. As part of these healthier habits I want to set aside more time to write. This, I tell you, because earlier today a boy that I had a crush on from elementary school through middle school suggested that blogging will not make me efamous. I got called out. By my third great love. My thir...

My friends and I have hit a very weird age. We've accepted we are most likely never getting married (except for the one who did, that bitch) and have moved on to the pursuit of being fabulous drag-queens. All I have ever wanted in life is to be a beautiful gay boy in amazingly elaborate costume. RuPaul's Drag Race is our new home. I recognize that this is probably appropriation, but The Lonely Hearts Club Band can't escape who they are any more than anyone else can. My greatest disappointment in life is probably that I will never be as gorgeous and interesting as Sharon Needles. I need this. I need them. "If you can't love yourself, how in the hell are you going to love somebody else?" has become my new mantra. Especially since I think I just got ghosted. That's okay, though. My sense of self-worth still relies too heavily on the way I might be perceived by others. It's crippling emotionally and creatively, so I have to let this go. If someone can...

So let me tell you a little bit about my problem with feminism. I feel like I should throw this out there just to get the eye-rolling out of the way and as a qualifier for the rest of my post- I do not identify as a feminist. I don't know if I have addressed this earlier in the blog but I have a hard time identifying with anything. I think it's kind of a weird archaic idea to ask people to pick these things they believe they are and should behave as and use those identifiers to pigeon-hole them. I do believe in equality but I am really more of a misandrist, if you forced me to pick a concept, because my favorite way to pick up guys is through insulting them. Negging works and it's terrible and humanity should do better (I should do better) but I probably won't stop because it's fun and efficient. It also sets a good precedent for the relationship because they can never say I ever pretended that I am not intentionally off-putting and prone to cutting into people. S...