Problematic

The house is a mess. But I have been productive and creative, so I don't feel so bad about it being this way. It is not such a mess that I couldn't easily replace things where they "belong" again. I finished some of my mood boards and they are hanging on the walls along with photos of Isis (some that include My Ex). I have a picture of him and his daughter that someone must have taken a few years ago. They look very happy, and I think I should give it back, but they were the closest thing I had to a family of my own for a little while, and though it's not something I really want anymore I wanted it once and it's hard to let go of that missed opportunity. I probably wouldn't be a good mom, though. It's probably better that things worked out this way. For all her madness, clinginess, and uncunning machinations Stassney might be a great mom. Perhaps if only because her obsession might mean that she loves more and is more forgiving. I shouldn't hate ...

Tonight I met someone new. His name is Cesar and he is awkwardly silent. He speaks with purpose. Steady and deep. The pacing of his sentences seems to emphasize the silence in between the words, giving them an artificial weight, that I must assume is a manifestation of his anxiety. There are fireflies out. NPR has been educating me this summer on the reason fireflies had gone away since my childhood (Texas was very dry for a while) and how deeply disturbing their blinking truly is.  I love NPR now much more than I thought I ever would. There was a time I really despised the idea of listening to someone talk for extended periods of time. I think I had too many people talking to me at the time about things I didn't care about. Now I listen to the news and know what Aleppo is off-hand, which is slightly better than some. I feel like the re-emergence of fireflies is just another way the world seems to be moving back to a time I remember better and slightly more fondly. My childhood w...

The cast of characters in my life is fairly small at the moment. There is my nuclear family: my mother, my father, my sister and my nephew. We have our problems, but that I will dive into later. My friend circle centers on my best friend from college, her best friend from high school, her best friend's gay brother and her husband. There's also my ex-boyfriend. His social circle consists primarily of people he has had sex with and people he wants to have sex with. And his daughter. There are people who I miss in Houston- and for the most part can pin-point the moment when we became distant. When what seemed like mostly solid land gave way to a canyon. I can feel two instances approaching where this may happen again. The first, and most obvious, is my ex-boyfriend. I have had many ex-boyfriends but this is My Ex. The others have names and established identities and I do not keep up with them but I hope they are not doing well: Gilbert, Julio, Rogelio...others? I cam...

We were so full of hope and youthful exuberance, weren't we? Isn't that just the least inventive turn of phrase? The house is a mess. I am a mess. I have once again fallen short on motivation and energy. I have once again fallen short. Yesterday I learned after watching the ex's child that the ex has taken up again with the girl he briefly attempted to cheat on me with- luckily this revelation came toward the end of his shift and I was able to bounce pretty quickly afterward. He said they were just friends. He said he didn't really understand how this hurt me. I suppose I don't really understand how this hurts me. For context this other girl has been in his life longer than I have. She's the reason things did not work out with the mother of his child, beyond that they were fundamentally incompatible, and he had repeatedly stated she was a burden when we first started dating. However, he was very hard pressed to get rid of her. There were episodes i...

I haven't been able to sketch lately, but at least I have been able to write, I suppose. I feel I should be reading more as well. I began reading The Stranger again, and that has been a slow trough through venomous mediocrity. I don't know if I get it. I'm also trying to read Mansfield Park but have had some trouble getting through the foreword. Perhaps I don't need to read it, but I have learned some interesting perspectives from forewords and so I inclined to preserver (a word I thought had an e at the end). I have started receiving mail at my new apartment. Packages. In my fridge there is eggs, kale, mushrooms, baby carrots, diet cherry Dr. Pepper, Le Croix, and hard cider (a special summer ginger flavor!) Of these things I have only used the Dr. Pepper and the Le Croix. Oh, and a Brita! I purchased that on my second day here. There's clothes, blankets and books strewn across the floor which makes the space feel comfortably snug. The bed on one end, open to a...

My friends and I have hit a very weird age. We've accepted we are most likely never getting married (except for the one who did, that bitch) and have moved on to the pursuit of being fabulous drag-queens. All I have ever wanted in life is to be a beautiful gay boy in amazingly elaborate costume. RuPaul's Drag Race is our new home. I recognize that this is probably appropriation, but The Lonely Hearts Club Band can't escape who they are any more than anyone else can. My greatest disappointment in life is probably that I will never be as gorgeous and interesting as Sharon Needles. I need this. I need them. "If you can't love yourself, how in the hell are you going to love somebody else?" has become my new mantra. Especially since I think I just got ghosted. That's okay, though. My sense of self-worth still relies too heavily on the way I might be perceived by others. It's crippling emotionally and creatively, so I have to let this go. If someone can...

Hello, World. It feels like it has been longer than it probably has. It also feels as though I open a lot of my posts with a comment on how long it has been since I posted, but I don't feel strongly enough about it to go back and check. The semester ended last Thursday and I promptly caught a cold. My immune system, you may have gathered by now, is not the greatest...but I think I'm on the other side of it at this point. Today I saw my psychiatrist for a one-month follow-up. I had taken my medication for three straight weeks leading up to my finals and then forgot about it for about a week and a half. My psychiatrist seemed unphased, but pleased that I was able to report less hair pulling and less fervent thoughts of creating large gashes in my body. She was impeccably dressed from the waist up- a string of pearls and a dreamy champagne silk blouse. I didn't notice what she was wearing as she glided behind the desk after welcoming me in, so I couldn't comment on t...

Our heroine will be reverting back to the position she was in at the start of the series. This will most likely be a huge annoyance for viewers but our producers assure us that this move, while drastic, is entirely necessary. It seems that up until now she had not really made any progress as a person and this probably explains the annual purge of viewers since the show's conception. The staff writers apologize for the amount of time that has been wasted on various ideas of where we wanted her to end up that have been completely fruitless. Long story short- I'm going to be alone. I came to Austin to go to college, with the understanding that I would marry the person I was obsessed with at the time, trying to make friends and forced to work because I couldn't get enough financial aid. This first season ended with a big break-up in which we were not able to continue being friends (the cheating was somewhat telegraphed but at the time I felt it was better to play the part...

I came up with a topical joke today: Congratulations to Kylie Jenner on turning 18! Now your relationship with 25-year-old Tyga doesn't seem as creepy! (The joke is that it's still creepy because this isn't the Middle Ages and child brides are generally considered a human rights violation.) I also thought of a small scene for like the intro to season 2 or 3 of Problematic should it ever actually become a thing: "The Girls" are in a car, chatting, and the scene is basically a Transporter style car-driving scene but it's clear that the girl driving isn't actually a good driver- she just happens to be getting away with near misses of potentially horrific accidents. At the end of that 45 seconds of whatever where the passenger is aware of danger of her friend driving and is becoming increasingly agitated, though they are still talking, the driver parks, or thinks she parks, and the car slides into, like, a bike rack or something as they step out of it. It wa...