Problematic

 I'm turning 38 in less than two weeks and I have realized that I don't know who I am as a person. I bet if I went through all my old writing that would be a through line. Just a miserable person who doesn't know what they're doing. And maybe that's normal for a lot of people. Maybe there's not a lot distinctively wrong with that being the way someone lives if they're not actively making life worse for others. I watched Half Man recently and I was horrified - I thought right after watching it that I was not the intended audience. A story about repression and violence? A story about how masculinity and self hatred can eat away at a person and make them complex villains? It felt like the kind of thing that needed to be critical viewing for the men who are tuned into the manosphere - but as a queer person of color who identifies as nonbinary now, I shouldn't have had to watch two people be so cruel to each other. It's not like I thought it was bad art. ...

 I am trying to be more consistent. I really need to have more consistent practices than canceling plans. My most consistent practice this week has been to not go to things after work that I planned on going to. And not applying for as many jobs as I meant to. Tomorrow I have therapy though, so maybe we can talk about that. I don't know.  I'm also trying avoid spending all my time learning about things I hate. So, I'm very excited about The Vampire Lestat's first look . I will admit, when I finished the second season of Interview With The Vampire, I was pretty miffed about the way it felt the ending was all about making the white man, who we established as abusive, have a level of ambiguity to his actions and motivations. However, maybe I should have read the books. Maybe this was always the narrative. But then, the introduction of Louis' Blackness and Armand's Brownness were definitely added for the show. It's also been pretty well established that Louis...

 I have started deleting photos. It's almost a year since I cut another person out of my life, and I wonder why I am always so lonely. I should probably find a way to bring this up in therapy. Things can't always be about work. Sometimes they have to be about your intolerance. I wonder if I should ever get rid of the photos of Isis. I loved Isis so much when she was alive. I mourned her so much when she died, and it was right around the first election of Donald Trump and my big breakup from Scott. Before I knew for sure he had been cheating on me the whole time and that Isis, unlike The Kitten, was an enabler. How can a cat be an enabler? Isis was a much friendlier cat than The Kitten. She loved everyone. She accepted everyone. This meant she didn't attack my enemies at the time. Which, is probably what I need around me, but she is gone now. And The Kitten has no problem with my prickly nature. The Kitten thinks other people who are not Collin are terrible and deserve ire. ...

 I don't understand fashion. My apologies to Alexander McQueen stans, because apparently Alexander McQueen originated butt crack pants. And it was about female empowerment? And Scottishness? Highland Rape was the title of the fashion collection , and it's such a startling title I am struggling. It occurs to me that it took a really long time for me to learn anything about Alexander McQueen and by the time I got really into McQueen he was dying. I should learn more about the things I think I care about. Or at least, try to remember that information. Most of the information I retain is about death. So, you'd think I'd know more about other people who have also been obsessed with death. The interesting and multi-dimensional just make me feel guilty and jealous. I read a short article today that made me think more about the way that I learned about McQueen to begin with: magazines. The article was about this little shop  that focuses on print media and zines. The article sa...

 I feel like I could never fully articulate the level of betrayal I feel from the fashion industry sometimes. Irregular Choice shoes are going to stop selling their iconic insane maximalist bullshit. Heatherette, the fashion company of my secretly-a-theater-kid dreams went under in 2009, right before I started to earn enough money to even dream of buying their clothes. I guess, I could probably look for some of that shit on Depop- but let's be honest...there's no way they were making inclusive sizes at that point in the 2000s. Also, is anyone actually using Depop? I did download it, but much like Too Good To Go, I find the idea of actually using it a whole "thing". "Thing" being some artificial and undefinable barrier. When we reach "it's a whole thing" status, that is the exact point in which my desire to do or learn something hits up against my low capacity for risk and failure. But, I digress... Alexander McQueen is another fashion house tha...

 It's apparently been over a year since I have tried to write something personally. But, it's probably been way longer than that since I felt like writing a diary. And, the last time I tried writing creatively was definitely in the early 2020s.  Overall, I've shrunk.  Yet, I have been privately, constantly, been screaming. I have been spending so much of my time trying to insert myself in conversations and places in the name of taking up space. In therapy today I said that I didn't want to leave my job because I was worried if I didn't stand up to a workplace bully that there would be people who would have to deal with them after me. Do I really have to be the person fighting any particular fight though? Does anyone even really want me to? Who is asking me to do this beyond a previous version of myself that didn't realize this was a fight I would be in? If I'm being honest, I think I mostly act out of self interest. And I think people can smell it. The vibes...