Problematic

I have been technically unemployed for 3 days. I have done absolutely nothing. Some writing. Mostly watching. I still miss Penny Dreadful , I ran through that way too fast. Right now I am considering how to allow myself to be "goofy." Comedians are kind of goofy and I take myself way too seriously to be truly outrageous. Goofy just wasn't a big draw growing up. Nor was being opinionated. And it's really hard living alone so I kind of stifled both urges- although I guess the people I really enjoy being around are the people I feel I can be closest to myself with. Still there's always some kind of filter- I try to play to the crowd. I have realized as an artist I heavily rely on others wanting to be a part of my world. If I can't convince a large group of people that I am worth taking interest in I will never be successful. I have gone out of my way to avoid feeling at the mercy of society for so long but I now see that isn't feasible unless I repress my...

I envy people with focus. I was reading recently about innovation and how Einstein considered creativity to be like juggling concepts and true unique thought occurred when two balls that were of the greatest distance collided. I like this imagery- I like the idea of sparks in the collision. I fear that none of my balls ever touch each other. (Insert ultra-juvenile joke about balls touching.) But honestly, the more original voices I find the less my own voice sounds original. Perhaps it is rose tinted perception- we're all equally original. Everyone is interesting and worth a story even in their own mundane way. However, I'd be happier if I felt not as particularly mundane. I also like the idea of thoughts as juggling balls because it would explain my resistance to completing things. The juggling never stops. It's tiring. A break when two balls hit would be a welcome change of pace. Better than to keep the eye constantly spinning as it tracks the balls. I wish balls were...