Problematic

As I listen to the soft sparkling crackle of my diet root beer I consider that I need to work on my storytelling ability. Less so than my homework, but I am in a malaise and do not feel inclined to study. So whatever distractions I can conjure up are welcome. I think the language I use has its flourishes, but I probably don't elaborate enough. I have been in the world of business too long. In an office people are quite annoyed when you drawl on. The inability to clearly and concisely explain a problem or what you want in an encounter makes you seem foolish and weak. I often seem foolish and weak, but I try to be direct in my own bumbling way. It is a poorly formed skill that only seems to detract from my creative life more than it assists my professional one. The last guy I drunkenly hooked up with was a pretty decent storyteller. Although, I think I had a gin and tonic and a bottle of champagne before he showed up. I might have been an easy audience. He did not really look lik...

The house is a mess. But I have been productive and creative, so I don't feel so bad about it being this way. It is not such a mess that I couldn't easily replace things where they "belong" again. I finished some of my mood boards and they are hanging on the walls along with photos of Isis (some that include My Ex). I have a picture of him and his daughter that someone must have taken a few years ago. They look very happy, and I think I should give it back, but they were the closest thing I had to a family of my own for a little while, and though it's not something I really want anymore I wanted it once and it's hard to let go of that missed opportunity. I probably wouldn't be a good mom, though. It's probably better that things worked out this way. For all her madness, clinginess, and uncunning machinations Stassney might be a great mom. Perhaps if only because her obsession might mean that she loves more and is more forgiving. I shouldn't hate ...

Tonight I met someone new. His name is Cesar and he is awkwardly silent. He speaks with purpose. Steady and deep. The pacing of his sentences seems to emphasize the silence in between the words, giving them an artificial weight, that I must assume is a manifestation of his anxiety. There are fireflies out. NPR has been educating me this summer on the reason fireflies had gone away since my childhood (Texas was very dry for a while) and how deeply disturbing their blinking truly is.  I love NPR now much more than I thought I ever would. There was a time I really despised the idea of listening to someone talk for extended periods of time. I think I had too many people talking to me at the time about things I didn't care about. Now I listen to the news and know what Aleppo is off-hand, which is slightly better than some. I feel like the re-emergence of fireflies is just another way the world seems to be moving back to a time I remember better and slightly more fondly. My childhood w...

Sometimes. I mentioned recently that I am taking a YA Literature course. I am also taking a French course and a Philosophy of Science course. French is a little bit aggravating because I have to film video chats with my class mates, occasionally, and part of what I look for in online courses is the ability to avoid human interaction. So far the Philosophy of Science class has been the most accommodating in that regard, and it's the one class I am actually taking on campus. But my YA Lit class is so far the best, because I am having to read YA again. And when I say the best, I mean it's incredibly easy (so far) and incredibly obnoxious- because YA literature is inherently obnoxious...because teenagers are inherently obnoxious. I am mortified by the things I did when I was young. I will probably be forever mortified by the ridiculousness of my past self, as it is often the human condition, but I think the inane ramblings of my teen years are the worst. In some aspects I was...

Isis is ready to come home. It's such a simple and innocuous statement, I would never have thought it would weigh so heavily on my heart. I would never have considered that this thought would cause me so much pain. I'm still not sure to what degree and for how long this is supposed to hurt- but I think tomorrow will be my last sequential post on the subject. Tomorrow I go get her. And I am not ready. I still hadn't completely adjusted to her being gone. Although the photos I have of her on my phone have become somewhat cathartic. As has writing about this. I think people are a little disinterested in the fact that I am in mourning for a creature so small, whose life was so short. This is likely a projection. I think I judge myself and the way I spend my energy quite harshly and I assume others are just as unkind. People are probably quite sad for me as well, and understanding that it has been little more than a week since a very prominent presence in my life left abru...

My first ponderance- I wonder why "Pretend to be Nice" has gotten so many views. Secondly- I have begun two writing projects. One- a musical, I will go into later. The other is a yet undefined project regarding relationships. I suppose that was what I was marketing this blog on originally, and I will probably post a bit about the research I am doing for it as I go. The focus, I think...is a nuanced approach to love. I'm sure it's probably been done before, but I haven't read that book so I don't care. We're all looking for nuances. Subtle nuances that are revealed to be the same across the board. Wide sweeping generalizations of nuance that we can apply to our own lives. I particularly want to pin-point the beginning of a love affair and whether there is any indication from an early stage as to whether the relationship will succeed. What is the dynamic structure of our great loves? Is it possible to have both a hot, frenzied, at times comically tragic ...

Hello, World. It feels like it has been longer than it probably has. It also feels as though I open a lot of my posts with a comment on how long it has been since I posted, but I don't feel strongly enough about it to go back and check. The semester ended last Thursday and I promptly caught a cold. My immune system, you may have gathered by now, is not the greatest...but I think I'm on the other side of it at this point. Today I saw my psychiatrist for a one-month follow-up. I had taken my medication for three straight weeks leading up to my finals and then forgot about it for about a week and a half. My psychiatrist seemed unphased, but pleased that I was able to report less hair pulling and less fervent thoughts of creating large gashes in my body. She was impeccably dressed from the waist up- a string of pearls and a dreamy champagne silk blouse. I didn't notice what she was wearing as she glided behind the desk after welcoming me in, so I couldn't comment on t...

Another post that has nothing to do with the title. I would like to watch the Oscars, to an extent. Just to see if Chris Rock ends up handing all the awards to black people who were not nominated, but equally deserving, as a surprise, but completely sanctioned twist. IT WILL NEVER BE YOUR YEAR LEONARDO DICAPRIO. So, status update: I am not doing that great in school. I am doing better than I was at the start of the semester- but math is hard. Fractions, specifically, are kind of a bitch to deal with when you add variables and imaginary numbers. I can't believe mathematicians are not considered wizards because this stuff is illogical nonsense that controls everything! Even so, I have recently joined an honors society and began volunteering this weekend. I blame my new medication for all of this. I am now on medication that I have been taking on a spotty basis- in fact I have been off of it for a few days, and I am tired, and pulled out my hair a bit more today, but I refuse ...

I have: 3 courses I am behind in 2 paintings that have managed to actualize to the point of light sketching on canvas 4 months left on this lease a recurring wish to be able to paint the color flashes songs create in my brain 2 blog posts I started over a month ago and a few weeks ago respectively Galentine's Day is right around the corner. I need to dump a lot of thoughts. The truth is- I lied internet, I am still pulling out my hair. I am finally giving in (for maybe the 12th time of my adult life) to talking to someone about my persistent anxiety and reactionary suicidal idealization. Maybe that isn't the best way of putting that- I don't know exactly how reactionary it is to sit in the bathroom, consider all the things you need to do that day and then briefly muse on how just dying would eliminate that list completely. I like to imagine that's actually quite normal and silly: the overwhelming sense of dread that your body needs more momentum than you may b...

Our heroine will be reverting back to the position she was in at the start of the series. This will most likely be a huge annoyance for viewers but our producers assure us that this move, while drastic, is entirely necessary. It seems that up until now she had not really made any progress as a person and this probably explains the annual purge of viewers since the show's conception. The staff writers apologize for the amount of time that has been wasted on various ideas of where we wanted her to end up that have been completely fruitless. Long story short- I'm going to be alone. I came to Austin to go to college, with the understanding that I would marry the person I was obsessed with at the time, trying to make friends and forced to work because I couldn't get enough financial aid. This first season ended with a big break-up in which we were not able to continue being friends (the cheating was somewhat telegraphed but at the time I felt it was better to play the part...

I like to imagine this is just a terribly one-sided conversation. I'm kind of a selfish friend, so it works out pretty well. I like to think if you read this regularly we're just kind of coming together to hangout. Sometimes we may be drinking coffee, sometimes we may be drinking wine, who knows- the beverage options are endless! We chat for three to five minutes about things that range from John Oliver to the inane and then I disappear from your life for days to weeks at a time. POOF! My other desire, I have just now recognized, is for this blog to be one of the top search results when someone looks for John Oliver. And then the restraining order comes. I have pulled my GPA up in two semesters from a 1.7 to a 3.0. My youth was spent in self-medicated tears, so the 3.0 is a more accurate indicator of my capabilities. I'm a B as a person. Not particularly exceptional, but better than passing. I guess the 1.7 was pretty accurate too, I have been a mess. I'm just...

I will have to invest some time in properly formatting this blog at some point. I have no idea what I want it to look like, but on a whim I decided to go back through the templates today. I discovered this rainy one that I felt was absolutely perfect. How dreary! Cloudy, sad, little blog. I also wanted to share my Spotify profile- for no real reason other than I have been sinking into a nostalgic melancholy of sound and I want you to be able to fall into the whine-based music of the mid-2000's with me. It's all The Decemberists, Interpol and The Killers around here. The Killers is probably the thing that most pains me to acknowledge of my former musical taste. This is particularly insulting to The Killers because I also hold a special place in my very twee heart for The Postal Service. Somehow the bizarre Mormon sound is still more shameful. Anyway, I wanted to share my Spotify profile, but I could not figure it out. I am blind to the correct use of Blogger. It is probably ...

I am running out of ideas. Yet, I have been thinking quite a bit. I keep forgetting to write to you. I have three bananas on my living room table that are about to expire. This is torturous because I was recently scolded by John Oliver for my lack of consideration when it comes to food: Not personally, of course. John Oliver does not know me like that and I think he'd be quite disturbed at being the focus of so many of my blog posts if he did. I was just as horrified to be called out by an HBO show on something I have so often considered a problem but continue to do.  There were seven bananas but I found purpose for four of them by making two smoothies yesterday. I realized I had some chocolate almond milk and nutella and everything finally started to make sense in my surroundings. I am not exaggerating, the moment was genuinely euphoric and I continue to bathe in the light of such kismet.  Other than that I have been drawing with a bit more frequency. I have g...

I have been having very vivid dreams. My art class has actually been more interesting than pretentious as well. Did you know that there are people knitting reef formations? AND there's someone making sculpture for reefs to grow off of:  http://scribol.com/art-and-design/an-interview-with-underwater-sculptor-jason-decaires-taylor Here's another essay- I promise to give you original information soon. Kerry James Marshall Many Mansions “When I talk to other artists I’m interested in hearing how they read their subjectivity and how it drives and motivates what they do,” says Marshall. “We [all] come from different positions at different times and we mean to make work for different purposes.” Kerry James Marshall is a black artist who produces black art. He is also an artist that appreciates art and highly reveres his predecessors. This is clearly visible in his work Many Mansions which draws from classical composition as a way of highlighting what has been missing from thos...

I have been so wrapped up in trying to find a new job and other silly things I completely missed a deadline. I'm devastated. My soul collapsed upon itself when I realized how far behind in reading I am. Class was kind of the one thing going well. Here is the essay I threw together today that will probably not be accepted: Maya Lin Disappearing Bodies of Water Rosa Parks Circle People do not normally tie landscapes to their identity. The world is so vast that it is so easy to ignore; there is so much detail that it can seem impossible to take it all in. Maya Lin attempts to do this through her sculpture and monuments. Through the duality of taking the overwhelming scope of the world and giving focus to particular formations she ties not just her identity, as a child of immigrants growing up amongst rolling hills, but the Earth’s identity in with our identity as people who occupy this space. She explores the water formations that are diminishing around the globe and...

I got another A "paper."  I have a hard time determining when people's praise should be valid. Is this exciting because it really is an interesting take on things or do you just have a very shallow pool of competency to draw from? I assume most people who compliment me do so because their expectations are set pretty low. Here's my paper. It's a How-To. It's pretty juvenile. Judge away. Live Like an Artist (The Definitive Guide to Alienation In Your Early Twenties) If you have ever had the deep rooted desire to isolate yourself from friends and family you may need to seek counseling. In the event that counseling does not work, or you refuse to go, and are unsure of how to encourage detachment by your loved ones, I can help you with that.   Part One: Getting Attached Creating a cult of personality can be hard. I have found that it is easier to do when you are young. Other children are desperately looking to fit in and form bonds, which make...

Anxiety and suicidal thoughts are not a good combination. I mentioned, among other things, in my last post that I have been thinking about suicide a lot. And this is not new. Suicide was the topic of my writing class yesterday and I found myself very annoyed by the questions posited by my classmates. I didn't admit I am suicidal. There's a lot of stigma to being suicidal and just saying you are suicidal makes it seem like you just want attention. So I will admit to that now: I definitely want attention. I also detest the idea of attention. I am bothered by the notion that I am not hit on in public spaces like some of my friends- but I am very aware that I put off an unapproachable vibe. I do not want to be approached. I don't. But I do. I don't think this is anxiety. There are a lot of things that carry a stigma. I try to admit these parts of myself here because it's very public but still somewhat anonymous. I assume the majority of the people I know will neve...

It has been a week since my 27th birthday. I did not have any real celebration. I worked. And went to school. Since then I have lost half my department and come home to find my boyfriend trying to cheat on me. He assured me that he did not go through with it. With all of this going on I forgot that I had a birthday. I have a lot of school work, too, but in that I am at least getting As. I will have to look for a new job soon because everyone keeps quitting due to the mismanagement of the department and it is getting to be too much. I have been thinking of suicide a lot, as I tend to do, and it has only increased daily. I will probably go back on my medication so I can stop being such a drama queen. Here's a piece I wrote on identity for my art class- all my writing has been terrible but I am somehow doing well: Identity, like any abstract, has many different meanings and is taken differently by different people. I think it is a concept that is understood innately but is ha...

I turned 27 yesterday. It was terrible. I have eleven months to become successful and die a hero to other morbid little artists. In the meantime I have written a few terrible papers I will start sharing. Here is the first. The title is a joke about a terrible article I had to read in class: Is $10,000 Really Worth It? What insight do hypotheticals offer to the morality of those we pose them to? Is a greater understanding of human nature what we are looking for when we construct hypotheticals? I believe the intent of a question like “What would you do?” is as much to have the receiver question themselves as it is to gather information. As human beings we understand that our moral compass is largely set by the circumstances in which we were raised, and these inherent differences add intrigue to conversation. The answer to what I would do if an ATM mistakenly discharged $10,000 into my care is in part a coming of age story. Of course, I would immediately give it back. As...

Today I take my Microeconomics final that should have been optional, but I failed myself. My over-all course grade is a B right now, so here I am trying to get 13 extra points so I can end this semester with 2 As. Of course, the bulk of yesterday was spent looking at Groupon Getaways and calculating drive time from Austin to various locations of interest around the country. I hate living in Texas most when I consider how long it takes to drive across it. The truth is I have only been outside of Texas twice in my life: a trip for dental work for my mother in Mexico and a trip for alcohol poisoning in New Orleans.  The first trip should be a good indicator of the economic conditions in which I grew up: poor.  The low representation of real poverty and struggle in the American sitcom is odd considering in 2011 40% of American families held 13.1% of American wealth and fewer people consider themselves to be "middle class." Sure, being poor and growing up poor shouldn...