Problematic

I don't know why I just signed up for OkCupid. I mean I do know why. I'm about to take the long break from Myex and I kind of want to try to eliminate him from my heart completely. Apparently, there's a lot of baggage. I might only want him because I don't like to lose. I might be a crazy person. I don't want to do this. I don't even want to date him right now, but I feel like I need to kill the deep desire I have to be with him again after law school. Or undergrad. Whenever I have more time and energy. Whenever I feel like a better person. I'm terrible with his daughter, though. I burned that bridge when she was little because her dad and I fought often and I took it out on everything and everyone. I feel terrible about it. I became my mother. Withholding because I hated my life in general. I never wanted to be that way. I wonder now if my mother is bi-polar as well. I wonder about a lot of people being secretly bi-polar now that I'm finally on medi...

Sunday- October 9th: Eventually all the lights will go out. Living alone has just made me aware of how many small things I managed to live without just because I had someone else. Both physical things and bits of knowledge. I will eventually need a step ladder. I like to think I am tall for a girl but I am not that tall. Not tall enough to be useful. Just tall enough to make me uncomfortable wearing heels around shorter guys. By my calculations I am able to read three quarters of a page in a minute. Although, that is really meaningless because what is a page? How many words are on a page on average? I could very well be reading those hard glossy books that they give to very small children. Each with but three to five words on their inflexible pages. I feel as though that's what I should be reading. I feel as though that's the best I can do to understand the world. Spot runs. I can see it. This is a truth that need not be further parsed. Instead I read YA novels and Desca...

One of the problems with living in one room is that I know every area of the surface I sleep on has been touched by The Kitten's butt. I'm sure of it. There's no way she has been kind enough to avoid even a single space. I lie in a bed of contamination. I realized today that I have lost time. Or become less aware of it passing. I thought it was still mid-September. Time is such a fickle concept as an adult. I spend so much of my day desperately grasping at the sands of it, feeling as though I am sinking beneath it and trying to claw every opportunity out on the way down. Then I realize so many small moments just add up to an empty beach. Not even a particularly pretty one. What a cliche perspective. In mulling over my musical I am trying to push myself out of such trite and common descriptors. I don't know if I will succeed. I suppose there's no harm in trying. It probably helps that I am reading more often again, and getting faster. I still have far more books ...

Does anyone remember that show? Ryan Murphy has done better but it wasn't the worst. Although, it could be a little offensive. I am quite tired but I have a ton of work to do today. I should also shower. Saturday should be reserved for studying. Sunday an old friend will be visiting. I need to clean my apartment. I had been doing quite well at looking like a human being and I want to show that off. He's only ever seen me living in squalor. His acceptance of that natural state of being is what has kept our friendship alive. We met in middle school and he is now one of two good friends that I have known that long. Even so, we'll never be as close because I live in a completely different city. He's also an actual adult. With plans for investment properties and the capital to make those investments. i have no capital. I feel tingling around body pretty often. I wonder if this is something I should be concerned by. I have taken my medication for two days in a row. I wa...

I spent a lot of the morning listening to musicals. I am trying to keep up with writing one, you see. My goal is to finish writing it within a year. I don't know if I could manage by the end of the year. I am not sure how long a musical should be at this point. As far as script length anyway. My philosophy of science class is in a Philosophy Seminar room. It's quite cozy. An absence is noticeable. The class has gotten steadily smaller over the last few weeks, but I think the attendees have plateaued. I can't imagine anyone else falling off. Although no one is particularly engaged. There is this one boy, that I watch out of the corner of my eye. He's attractive and he nods along as the professor is speaking, as though he is having a private conversation that warrants a response. I imagine the professor appreciates it because of the glazed expressions and lack of eye-contact he receives otherwise. I am currently in a crowded coffee shop. It's called Bennu, and it ...

It's cooling down a bit. I enjoy the livid sky. It must have rained before I woke up because the ground is still dappled with puddles. There are a few things I have wanted to write about- the first being my "new" living space. As you know, it was recently christened by a housewarming party. It has now been identified as my space. There are mood boards on the walls. I clean it regularly. I own things. The palate is grey, blue and turquoise. When I moved in there was already a blue grey accent wall, which seemed perfect because I quite enjoy that shade. I don't know if it was the housewarming, exactly, but I am starting to feel more at home here. I am even beginning to like spending so much time alone, watching things, listening to music while I study, painting, enjoying time with The Kitten. It's becoming it's own reality. Any previous moment now feels like a dream. It has been almost a month since Isis passed, and I don't know if it's a weird copi...

Is the song currently playing. I have come to quite enjoy Ben Folds. I know these seem unrelated, but they both play on my Elliott Smith Pandora station. I like Ben Folds and Elliott Smith considerably more than the Pixies because they both have this kind of upbeat sound that masks the melancholy and darkness of their lyrics. I was up until 6am. I woke up at 10:40am. I finished Looking for Alaska. I now own two copies of a book I utterly detest. Je beaucoup deteste la chercher d'Alaska. Absolument. I foolishly left my physical copy at work the day my discussion board post on it was due so I had no way of citing my grievances. I am batting a 100 in that class so I determined it was worth it to shell out the 10 dollars for a Kindle copy; the bummer being that I can now never return that copy. It's truly terrible- but perhaps the most realistic depiction of life as a juvenile male that I have ever read? I am uncertain having never been one, but it's what I would assu...

As I listen to the soft sparkling crackle of my diet root beer I consider that I need to work on my storytelling ability. Less so than my homework, but I am in a malaise and do not feel inclined to study. So whatever distractions I can conjure up are welcome. I think the language I use has its flourishes, but I probably don't elaborate enough. I have been in the world of business too long. In an office people are quite annoyed when you drawl on. The inability to clearly and concisely explain a problem or what you want in an encounter makes you seem foolish and weak. I often seem foolish and weak, but I try to be direct in my own bumbling way. It is a poorly formed skill that only seems to detract from my creative life more than it assists my professional one. The last guy I drunkenly hooked up with was a pretty decent storyteller. Although, I think I had a gin and tonic and a bottle of champagne before he showed up. I might have been an easy audience. He did not really look lik...

My housewarming party was a success. Unrivaled and unwarranted. The Kitten scratched me, but that was the furthest extent of failures for the evening. She has since calmed down and feels secure, nuzzled in the newest, and softest, addition to our blanket collection. Have I mentioned that Dig is the single most thoughtful and amazing human being I know? He is. He brought three house warming gifts- two of which were puns. A candle, a blanket, and a wine holder. I feel like the wine holder is a pun as well, but I'm too stupid to get it. He's a literary genius. And the singular best guest in the world. You would be lucky to have him show up at one of your parties. I'm a little surprised he made time for mine. But enough of fan-girling Dig. Lies and Coll were also in attendance and they were looking fierce. Lies reminded me that I need to thrift/second-hand shop a little more often because the flared skirt she had on was killer and definitely not bought full price. Fast f...

I am trying to get into the habit of going to sleep at 10pm. This feels very early, but I want to get into the habit of waking up at 5:30am. That sounds disgustingly early. It's how early I would need to be up, though, to drink water, have breakfast, and go for a run. I want to be a more productive person. Productive people are supposed to have healthy productive person habits. In part, this theory doesn't ring true, because there are people like Van Gogh. But, we can't all be prolific geniuses who cut our ears off, so- I suppose it's better to try to procure productive people habits rather than hope that I will leave in the remnants of my destruction a body of work that astounds. As part of these healthier habits I want to set aside more time to write. This, I tell you, because earlier today a boy that I had a crush on from elementary school through middle school suggested that blogging will not make me efamous. I got called out. By my third great love. My thir...

My first ponderance- I wonder why "Pretend to be Nice" has gotten so many views. Secondly- I have begun two writing projects. One- a musical, I will go into later. The other is a yet undefined project regarding relationships. I suppose that was what I was marketing this blog on originally, and I will probably post a bit about the research I am doing for it as I go. The focus, I think...is a nuanced approach to love. I'm sure it's probably been done before, but I haven't read that book so I don't care. We're all looking for nuances. Subtle nuances that are revealed to be the same across the board. Wide sweeping generalizations of nuance that we can apply to our own lives. I particularly want to pin-point the beginning of a love affair and whether there is any indication from an early stage as to whether the relationship will succeed. What is the dynamic structure of our great loves? Is it possible to have both a hot, frenzied, at times comically tragic ...

I haven't been able to sketch lately, but at least I have been able to write, I suppose. I feel I should be reading more as well. I began reading The Stranger again, and that has been a slow trough through venomous mediocrity. I don't know if I get it. I'm also trying to read Mansfield Park but have had some trouble getting through the foreword. Perhaps I don't need to read it, but I have learned some interesting perspectives from forewords and so I inclined to preserver (a word I thought had an e at the end). I have started receiving mail at my new apartment. Packages. In my fridge there is eggs, kale, mushrooms, baby carrots, diet cherry Dr. Pepper, Le Croix, and hard cider (a special summer ginger flavor!) Of these things I have only used the Dr. Pepper and the Le Croix. Oh, and a Brita! I purchased that on my second day here. There's clothes, blankets and books strewn across the floor which makes the space feel comfortably snug. The bed on one end, open to a...

We're three days in- how are you holding up? I have spent way too much money this holiday season; some on medical bills, mostly on things I didn't need. I'm crip-walking into the new year because of a pinched nerve that creates a dull to unbearably piercing pain from my butt to my ankle. It's a fun new experience! I have no idea how it happened but it's been bothering me since before Christmas and I broke last Monday and went to an Urgent Care. Three hours and a missed day of work later and I have some really big Tylenol and a few muscle relaxers working on the case! I was told in another week or so it should be back to normal and if not I may need to go to an ER. Exciting stuff. This whole thing has just kept me grounded in the fear of life on my own. As you know, because I must have mentioned it like 1000 times here, me and the BF of 8 years will be separating at the end of this lease. Because I obsess over things I have allowed this to occupy a lot of my ...

Anxiety and suicidal thoughts are not a good combination. I mentioned, among other things, in my last post that I have been thinking about suicide a lot. And this is not new. Suicide was the topic of my writing class yesterday and I found myself very annoyed by the questions posited by my classmates. I didn't admit I am suicidal. There's a lot of stigma to being suicidal and just saying you are suicidal makes it seem like you just want attention. So I will admit to that now: I definitely want attention. I also detest the idea of attention. I am bothered by the notion that I am not hit on in public spaces like some of my friends- but I am very aware that I put off an unapproachable vibe. I do not want to be approached. I don't. But I do. I don't think this is anxiety. There are a lot of things that carry a stigma. I try to admit these parts of myself here because it's very public but still somewhat anonymous. I assume the majority of the people I know will neve...

Thirty is the new twenty was apparently the new catch phrase 2 years ago- this made it a less than ideal blog name. Who knows if "Problematic" will be any better? It is the working title of the sitcom this is all "really about" though, so I might as well use it until I can think of something clever. Why "Problematic" as the working title? Well, it is a show about people with psychiatric disorders, people of color and lower income twenty somethings so problematic seems like a really good fit. A good description of the time. And I like one word titles.