Problematic

Isis died this morning. Or last night. I'm not sure. I wasn't there. I have been drinking. And my day has been filled with tears. Sobbing, really. About every half hour. I still can't fathom that the world has changed. Life is going to continue for me without her. I got her for Christmas somewhere around 2009. When my ex and I first started dating we saw a kitten outside his apartment complex that we were not able to catch. Then during the winter some time later there was a cat at the stairs. We were living together at this point. I approached it and it let out this very peculiar and off-putting screech of a meow. I can't believe I will never hear that sound again. She was kind, though. She didn't run. She let me approach and pet her, but we went upstairs without bringing her in the first time. She stayed there because it was a particularly cold winter and I think she wanted someone to let her in...the next time I saw her I picked her up and carried her insi...

I feel like I tend to remember to post when I am sick. I currently have a cold- or at the very least a sore throat. Some prone to illness pro-tips: Cepacol is probably the most effective brand of cough drops, but also the worst flavored. Vicks infused Puffs are by far the best tissue. Sprite is a Hispanic staple but Sweet Leaf Mint & Honey Green Tea also feels amazing on your throat when you are dying. I am feeling somewhat better, which has led me to consider that I may be bi-polar. This will be confirmed or denied by my brand new psychiatrist that I get to meet on Tuesday! The whole ordeal of obtaining a psychiatrist has been rather amusing. It started a few weeks ago, when after my visit with my PCP it was decided that I should probably increase my dosage of venlaflaxine. After about a week on double the dosage I ended up having a nervous break-down at work because I'm generally incapable of dealing with my own life. Which, honestly, is probably something I need to f...

I have been so wrapped up in trying to find a new job and other silly things I completely missed a deadline. I'm devastated. My soul collapsed upon itself when I realized how far behind in reading I am. Class was kind of the one thing going well. Here is the essay I threw together today that will probably not be accepted: Maya Lin Disappearing Bodies of Water Rosa Parks Circle People do not normally tie landscapes to their identity. The world is so vast that it is so easy to ignore; there is so much detail that it can seem impossible to take it all in. Maya Lin attempts to do this through her sculpture and monuments. Through the duality of taking the overwhelming scope of the world and giving focus to particular formations she ties not just her identity, as a child of immigrants growing up amongst rolling hills, but the Earth’s identity in with our identity as people who occupy this space. She explores the water formations that are diminishing around the globe and...

Anxiety and suicidal thoughts are not a good combination. I mentioned, among other things, in my last post that I have been thinking about suicide a lot. And this is not new. Suicide was the topic of my writing class yesterday and I found myself very annoyed by the questions posited by my classmates. I didn't admit I am suicidal. There's a lot of stigma to being suicidal and just saying you are suicidal makes it seem like you just want attention. So I will admit to that now: I definitely want attention. I also detest the idea of attention. I am bothered by the notion that I am not hit on in public spaces like some of my friends- but I am very aware that I put off an unapproachable vibe. I do not want to be approached. I don't. But I do. I don't think this is anxiety. There are a lot of things that carry a stigma. I try to admit these parts of myself here because it's very public but still somewhat anonymous. I assume the majority of the people I know will neve...

It has been a week since my 27th birthday. I did not have any real celebration. I worked. And went to school. Since then I have lost half my department and come home to find my boyfriend trying to cheat on me. He assured me that he did not go through with it. With all of this going on I forgot that I had a birthday. I have a lot of school work, too, but in that I am at least getting As. I will have to look for a new job soon because everyone keeps quitting due to the mismanagement of the department and it is getting to be too much. I have been thinking of suicide a lot, as I tend to do, and it has only increased daily. I will probably go back on my medication so I can stop being such a drama queen. Here's a piece I wrote on identity for my art class- all my writing has been terrible but I am somehow doing well: Identity, like any abstract, has many different meanings and is taken differently by different people. I think it is a concept that is understood innately but is ha...