Problematic

I feel inclined to perform again. I suppose if what I really want is a one-sided fanatical love performing may eventually get me there. Otherwise it might help me to deal better with rejection. It might feel less personal if it's not one-on-one. Ultimately, I miss singing. Though I was never fantastic at it, and even more at a loss the few times I had an audience, I find myself charmed once again at the thought of putting my thoughts to melody for others to hum when they feel the same way. I still need to buy batteries for my keyboard. My next goal will be an electronic drum set. I realized earlier, as I was getting out of the car after coming home from house sitting for the ex, that mentioning my current medicated status is somewhat silly. I noted I forgot to take my medication yesterday, and hadn't really considered when I would do so today, but either way I only had two days worth in my system and it was highly unlikely that had begun to effect me in a significant wa...

A day of multiple posts!! A day of sadness and regret... A day of Elliott Smith. I need to get batteries for my keyboard. I am annoyed that it needs batteries and wish to protest, but I also wish to learn to play several things, and I am sure the latter urge will break through my tantrum. I started a list, briefly: Interpol, Elliot Smith, The Strokes, Beirut. Perhaps I will eventually start a band, or join a band, and in doing so further prove my worth. Sometimes I miss singing. But I am conflicted in all aspects of my own beauty and talent, so I don't dare to sing aloud when not drunk anymore. Or in the company of my former love. I suppose that was the one intimacy I allowed. It's weird now, being so emotionally and physically distant from someone I have loved for so long. I imagine it's likely less painful for him now that there's an expectation of distance. So I keep waffling between the amount of vulnerability I should show, especially after my first big e...