Problematic

I don't know why I just signed up for OkCupid. I mean I do know why. I'm about to take the long break from Myex and I kind of want to try to eliminate him from my heart completely. Apparently, there's a lot of baggage. I might only want him because I don't like to lose. I might be a crazy person. I don't want to do this. I don't even want to date him right now, but I feel like I need to kill the deep desire I have to be with him again after law school. Or undergrad. Whenever I have more time and energy. Whenever I feel like a better person. I'm terrible with his daughter, though. I burned that bridge when she was little because her dad and I fought often and I took it out on everything and everyone. I feel terrible about it. I became my mother. Withholding because I hated my life in general. I never wanted to be that way. I wonder now if my mother is bi-polar as well. I wonder about a lot of people being secretly bi-polar now that I'm finally on medi...

I have: 3 courses I am behind in 2 paintings that have managed to actualize to the point of light sketching on canvas 4 months left on this lease a recurring wish to be able to paint the color flashes songs create in my brain 2 blog posts I started over a month ago and a few weeks ago respectively Galentine's Day is right around the corner. I need to dump a lot of thoughts. The truth is- I lied internet, I am still pulling out my hair. I am finally giving in (for maybe the 12th time of my adult life) to talking to someone about my persistent anxiety and reactionary suicidal idealization. Maybe that isn't the best way of putting that- I don't know exactly how reactionary it is to sit in the bathroom, consider all the things you need to do that day and then briefly muse on how just dying would eliminate that list completely. I like to imagine that's actually quite normal and silly: the overwhelming sense of dread that your body needs more momentum than you may b...

I have started watching Crazy Ex-Girlfriend . I am currently watching it, actually, and I am torn. My impulse is to hate it, but my impulse was also to hate Selfie  and that turned out to be a wonderful show. I feel like this show might suffer from the same problem of having just a terrible title. For reference, this happened on Selfie  and it was beautiful: If you weren't moved by that performance on it's own you have no heart. If you watched the show you'll immediately remember the journey that brought Eliza to this point- the show was actually kind of empowering. Karen Gillan and John Cho did a great job of building up their relationship and the script allowed them to shape each other rather than have Henry (Cho) steamroll her personality into a functioning human-being. I'm going to have to buy the series at some point- note to self. The finale was perfect because Eliza (Gillan) finally realized what she wanted in life and was able to overcome some huge crazy-gi...