Problematic

I am trying to get into the habit of going to sleep at 10pm. This feels very early, but I want to get into the habit of waking up at 5:30am. That sounds disgustingly early. It's how early I would need to be up, though, to drink water, have breakfast, and go for a run. I want to be a more productive person. Productive people are supposed to have healthy productive person habits. In part, this theory doesn't ring true, because there are people like Van Gogh. But, we can't all be prolific geniuses who cut our ears off, so- I suppose it's better to try to procure productive people habits rather than hope that I will leave in the remnants of my destruction a body of work that astounds. As part of these healthier habits I want to set aside more time to write. This, I tell you, because earlier today a boy that I had a crush on from elementary school through middle school suggested that blogging will not make me efamous. I got called out. By my third great love. My thir...

Isis is ready to come home. It's such a simple and innocuous statement, I would never have thought it would weigh so heavily on my heart. I would never have considered that this thought would cause me so much pain. I'm still not sure to what degree and for how long this is supposed to hurt- but I think tomorrow will be my last sequential post on the subject. Tomorrow I go get her. And I am not ready. I still hadn't completely adjusted to her being gone. Although the photos I have of her on my phone have become somewhat cathartic. As has writing about this. I think people are a little disinterested in the fact that I am in mourning for a creature so small, whose life was so short. This is likely a projection. I think I judge myself and the way I spend my energy quite harshly and I assume others are just as unkind. People are probably quite sad for me as well, and understanding that it has been little more than a week since a very prominent presence in my life left abru...

At some point Gene Wilder died. I stayed home from work today because I lost my voice. I have considered several times that the weight in my chest might mean that I will join Isis soon. I am mostly ok with this concept- although I am still frightened by the idea that there is no further existence. I suppose I am less frightened by that option than the idea that we might all be stuck doing these things repeatedly on the time loop that is existence. I will live and die the same way I have always lived an died. The original engraving of the world is so far gone that there is no hope to change subsequent impressions. Now that the kitten is here there are small pieces of litter all over my bed. I am trying to sweep regularly to keep the appearance of normalcy that my best friend helped me to cultivate in preparation of the cats' move. I wanted to greet them with a clean home. A fresh start. Going to my ex's house is somber now. The environment is so quiet. There are little...

The feeling of loss is duller. It’s just a new awareness that travels with me. A constant buzzing that’s more annoying than painful. At times it feels on the cusp of overwhelming, but it rarely spills over. I feel higher functioning today. I have her photo as my home screen and lock screen wallpapers. I look at her often. It's a coping mechanism, but I'm not sure to what end. Sometimes it feels as if I am trying to convince myself she was always a memory. Sometimes it feels like flagellation- penance for allowing this to occur- trying to keep the wound open. I realize now that I did a weird and probably cruel thing when I got the call reporting her gone. I asked if he was sure. I wanted to believe this was some sort of bizarre joke. Or a mark of his stupidity that he couldn't tell. Or maybe there was still time to save her. I wanted to believe that last one until I picked her up and was alarmed at how rigid the thing I was holding was. I was explaining to a friend ...

Here is another two-part post, this first part is from early March: What are your passions? Process improvement and comedy. I want things to be as efficient and amusing as possible at all times. Those at the two things I geek out about. On a broader level, television, but right now I have zeroed on comedy. I'm not sure when either became such a big deal for me either. I have other interests, of course, but those are, for the most part, things that I can be far more fickle about. I don't feel a constant longing or compulsion- although- perhaps that is a lie. I think processes improvement and comedy are just at the forefront right now. They are the IT Girls of my obsessions which also include fashion, drama, art, chocolate and wikipedia. I do on occasion ache to draw or write in the same way I am now driven to reformat documents and lay-out procedures. I am not sure when this fixation developed, but I am pretty sure it has something to do with my urge to Google: I just li...