Wayward

 I don't understand fashion. My apologies to Alexander McQueen stans, because apparently Alexander McQueen originated butt crack pants. And it was about female empowerment? And Scottishness? Highland Rape was the title of the fashion collection, and it's such a startling title I am struggling. It occurs to me that it took a really long time for me to learn anything about Alexander McQueen and by the time I got really into McQueen he was dying. I should learn more about the things I think I care about. Or at least, try to remember that information. Most of the information I retain is about death. So, you'd think I'd know more about other people who have also been obsessed with death. The interesting and multi-dimensional just make me feel guilty and jealous.

I read a short article today that made me think more about the way that I learned about McQueen to begin with: magazines. The article was about this little shop that focuses on print media and zines. The article said that they were filling a niche that was missing in Austin - a space dedicated to print media like magazines, zines, and newspapers. And I think I understand the idea of a newsstand being sort of a third space where people would peruse the magazine covers and maybe make comments to each other about the major headlines? Like an open air late night talk show and everyone had a chance at their monologue? At least, this is what 90s sitcoms have led me to believe. And if there's anything I think I know more about than fashion, but really know nothing about, it's 90s sitcoms. The greatest sin of my adult life is that I still haven't seen Living Single. And I know it is what F.R.I.E.N.D.S. was modeled after.

Anyway, I guess I should go back to school. I miss learning about things and it seems I am not good at independent research. 

I really admire people who throw themselves fully into a really niche interest. I have never been able to focus on one thing so entirely. For a long time, I assumed that thing would be TV and pop culture...but even TV and pop culture are actually incredibly broad categories.

For a little while my niche interest was Toni Colette. Who I loved for her range and her unconventional beauty. For being a larger woman at times. For being the background character and the foreground character. For her particular teeth - a vanishing trait in these days of veneers. Then I watched Hereditary. Hereditary feels like one of those experiences that is meant to psychologically break you, and I don't know why we seek this in films. But, I never really wanted to be a film person, anyway. I wanted to be a TV person. I probably still do. I feel further and further from the things I loved and what I thought made me happy, despite having more access. I could buy more magazines. I could make collages again. I could make things again.

I also went to an artisan market. And judged the art. I thought about how I wish I was making art. How I wish I was selling art. But my art is probably no good. Not as good as the other artists there. Who probably used better quality things. Who know something about quality.

Now I'm just going to let loose some thoughts: I have been eating too much sugar lately for someone who is diabetic. I should let them monitor my blood sugar...or just eat better...or just drink way more water. My hands have been really dry, so water would probably be a good idea anyway. I recently bought a bunch of books I haven't started because I want to be a smarter person, but if I'm not reading on my own, would I really get into law school?

I started Wayward and it reminds me of the absence of prestige television. Streaming ruined everything. There are levels of access that make things worse, because the illusion of abundance makes you forget about the need for quality. My brain is being starved and all the stories are bleeding into each other. Patricia Arquette is going to be in another show about another true crime murder, and I can't help thinking about the recent articles I have read about sex cults and how many of the scenes seem to be pulled directly from those stories. A mashup of sex cults and the scared straight industry. It's a pretty good show. I binged it right after binging the latest season of Love is Blind, which is definitely not as good, but is almost equally entertaining in its own much cheaper way. And I will always support Toni Colette.