Problematic

If I were a baseball player they'd play the ending part of Roses, where they just repeat "crazy bitch" over and over, when I walked onto the field. I have been to two baseball games, so I know about things like this now. I think they also have theme songs in boxing? I am not aware of any personal theme songs in basketball, football or futbol. And that is all of my knowledge on sports. I have been working on a lot of posts. It's been a really productive time. I wonder if my habit of taking weekends off my meds is contributing to this in any way. Like how periodic fasting is supposed to be good for your body/metabolism based on the pseudoscience that all dietary recommendations are. Either way, I am getting a lot of stuff started, and potentially not going to finish any of it, as per usual. In this process of kind of cataloging my entire existence I decided that this is the new direction of the blog, for a little while at least. Which I guess was the original purpos...

Also Titled: Because I Wanted You To Know One of my biggest fears, especially when I am using a song title, TV reference or lyric to title a post, is that I am going to use the same thing twice. Like a fool. Some people are a time capsule. I am sore today because I danced last night like I could shake off the years I wasted. Or, more accurately, wildly-thrash-and-jump off the years I wasted. I got a couple of good songs for my nostalgia playlist out of the night, too. It was a strange sensation, though, being around people with the same love. A lot of people looked like everyone I knew from high school, when I knew them in high school, but much whiter, because I am now in Austin. The guys of Austin have never looked better. I hate myself for having an era of nostalgia. And even more for a type. There was a guy there that looked like the kind of mistake I'd dive head into. He had sharp facial features, a ponytail, and he wore all black with hanging suspenders. To be honest, I ...

I finally got to the point in this blog where more than 10 people are reading a post. While I'm editing, I mean. I reached the blog post where I first got over 10 views. I am thrilled that this is a more common occurrence now. I still haven't reached 100 views on any one post, but I'm honestly just glad you're here. I have a large chunk of hair missing. This is my fault. I don't think it's quite golf ball sized, but it's bigger than a marble. Maybe a large marble? I remember playing marbles as a kid and really enjoying it. I love marbles as they are- the shiny and often colorful round things. They're so smooth and cold, they seem perfect for shoving a bunch in your mouth. Not that I've done this. I think I got a bean up my nose once...maybe a pebble? But I definitely didn't stick a fistful of marbles in my maw. I would tell you. It just seems like a good idea. Anyway, it wasn't just the appeal of the marbles themselves that I liked. I don...

I have finally started editing this thing, which means that I am re-reading this thing. I am incredibly boring. And I was far more boring in the beginning, which I guess is growth I should appreciate. God, those first posts are fucking awful. Not that it's become gems of insight and hilarity since, but- ugh, I was so terrible. I am reassured by the idea that I will either, in the future, feel I've grown from the person I am now, or figure out this was the most interesting I have ever been. And the most well written/ communicated. Also, I didn't use enough commas, so I think I'm overcompensating now. I will never understand commas. I am pretty sure I addressed that in an earlier post, but I haven't gotten there yet. I had to stop after the first five "episodes". I am comforting my sense of failure by listening to 'The Only Thing' on repeat, because I am definitely going to drive this car half-light jack-knife into this canyon at night. Death comes...

Also Titled: Even In His Heart The Devil Has To Know The Water Level Or: All of Me Wants All of You All of Me Wants All of You is not as loving as you might think. I started a new skin care regimen. Or, rather, I have started to actually use the skin care regimen things I had. I at one point bought a lot of random Korean shit off of Amazon. I have started using one of the night time super moisturizers. I feel like it's working. It might not actually be working, but I feel like it is. And progress is like 70% perception, right? I have also lost 10 of the 15 sadness pounds I put on during the worst of my fighting with Scott. It's a relief, and I hope to soon look like the person I was before him. I liked her better, I think. She is dingy and fearless in my head. More comfortable approaching people at least. I have thoughts: Have I ever mentioned how bad I am at parking? I always have to check that I am within the lines when I get out of the car because it is obvious th...

Yesterday I was obsessed with Cardi B's debut album. Some of it more than others. Then I became increasingly obsessed with the artist herself, because she is weird up on Instagram, I was missing out this whole time. Her reveal on SNL was brilliant and cute. I don't know that she's a nice person, but much like break-out comedic star Tiffany Hadish, she seems like a fun person. She co-hosted the Tonight Show last night and I am currently all about that, especially because he has John Mulaney on and I am a sucker for his dapper mannerisms and effervescent smile. Jimmy Fallon seems out of his element with her trilling, which, by the way, is an amazing sound and I am also disappointed in myself for not absorbing this sound in my brain space earlier. She definitely out oukurrr's Ru Paul, which I think takes skill. The canned laughter is perfect. I need to learn the resting amused/surprised face that she has. After she does something wild she just pops into it like, "What...

I have some concerns. They aren't big concerns. They might be serious concerns- but as a woman with anxiety I really have no idea how seriously I should take anything I think. Like, literally anything could be me blowing things out of proportion, only a concern because the world is gas-lighting me, or be a manifestation of generational paranoia. One concern kind of leads into the other. I bought like a little over a hundred dollars worth of lingerie, which isn't really a lot of money, but it's not hella nice lingerie...so I have several pieces.  I guess a third concern is that I make some slightly expensive impulse buys with an alarming regularity. I'm going to set that particular personality flaw to the side for now, though. I really like lingerie because I like the idea of feeling sexy when I never feel sexy and I think most problems can be solved by buying something. I do not need self-acceptance if I have a full length mirror and a chemise with push-up cups. The i...