Problematic

I have: 3 courses I am behind in 2 paintings that have managed to actualize to the point of light sketching on canvas 4 months left on this lease a recurring wish to be able to paint the color flashes songs create in my brain 2 blog posts I started over a month ago and a few weeks ago respectively Galentine's Day is right around the corner. I need to dump a lot of thoughts. The truth is- I lied internet, I am still pulling out my hair. I am finally giving in (for maybe the 12th time of my adult life) to talking to someone about my persistent anxiety and reactionary suicidal idealization. Maybe that isn't the best way of putting that- I don't know exactly how reactionary it is to sit in the bathroom, consider all the things you need to do that day and then briefly muse on how just dying would eliminate that list completely. I like to imagine that's actually quite normal and silly: the overwhelming sense of dread that your body needs more momentum than you may b...

I have been on extra large Tylenol and muscle relaxers for a couple of weeks. It has not been as fun as it would have sounded in my early twenties. Nothing is, though. I found a new show that I love and promptly binged through it all. You may not have heard of it, unless you're a much bigger TV nerd than myself, but it was on for 3 years before it was struck down by the powers that be: Happy Endings! I can only hope to one day be the Penny of my social circle- and have a social circle. Right now all of my interactions are pretty heavily segregated by - I'm not sure. Personality aspects? Era? I think it's closer to era. I have my college friend, my post-college-wandering friend, my last-retail-job friend and then friends from each of my longer lasting office jobs. I have no idea how to merge them and I'm a little uncertain if I want to...It's probably for the best that my social life is so fractured because I am better at navigating smaller groups. Anyway, Ha...

We're three days in- how are you holding up? I have spent way too much money this holiday season; some on medical bills, mostly on things I didn't need. I'm crip-walking into the new year because of a pinched nerve that creates a dull to unbearably piercing pain from my butt to my ankle. It's a fun new experience! I have no idea how it happened but it's been bothering me since before Christmas and I broke last Monday and went to an Urgent Care. Three hours and a missed day of work later and I have some really big Tylenol and a few muscle relaxers working on the case! I was told in another week or so it should be back to normal and if not I may need to go to an ER. Exciting stuff. This whole thing has just kept me grounded in the fear of life on my own. As you know, because I must have mentioned it like 1000 times here, me and the BF of 8 years will be separating at the end of this lease. Because I obsess over things I have allowed this to occupy a lot of my ...

Our heroine will be reverting back to the position she was in at the start of the series. This will most likely be a huge annoyance for viewers but our producers assure us that this move, while drastic, is entirely necessary. It seems that up until now she had not really made any progress as a person and this probably explains the annual purge of viewers since the show's conception. The staff writers apologize for the amount of time that has been wasted on various ideas of where we wanted her to end up that have been completely fruitless. Long story short- I'm going to be alone. I came to Austin to go to college, with the understanding that I would marry the person I was obsessed with at the time, trying to make friends and forced to work because I couldn't get enough financial aid. This first season ended with a big break-up in which we were not able to continue being friends (the cheating was somewhat telegraphed but at the time I felt it was better to play the part...

It's been two months since I started my newest job, the fall semester is over and Christmas is less than a week away now. This morning I woke up much earlier than I am used to (7:30am), read my newest obsession ( Gangsta. ), had a light breakfast of eggs and a burnt cinnamon roll, and went for the world's smallest jog. I feel somewhat accomplished for the day. Having completed so much already I decided it was time to pull the trigger and finish up some blog posts- this I started somewhere around Thanksgiving: It has been a month since I started my newest job. Frankly, I love it. It's the best environment I have ever been in (even if the benefits aren't that great.) It's strange being so satisfied at work. It's taken a lot of my normal anxiety away, which makes it super weird that I've developed a habit of pulling out my own hair, but maybe now that I have no reasonable anxiety I've graduated into a super-anxiety an unconscious, deep-rooted anxiety ...

So let me tell you a little bit about my problem with feminism. I feel like I should throw this out there just to get the eye-rolling out of the way and as a qualifier for the rest of my post- I do not identify as a feminist. I don't know if I have addressed this earlier in the blog but I have a hard time identifying with anything. I think it's kind of a weird archaic idea to ask people to pick these things they believe they are and should behave as and use those identifiers to pigeon-hole them. I do believe in equality but I am really more of a misandrist, if you forced me to pick a concept, because my favorite way to pick up guys is through insulting them. Negging works and it's terrible and humanity should do better (I should do better) but I probably won't stop because it's fun and efficient. It also sets a good precedent for the relationship because they can never say I ever pretended that I am not intentionally off-putting and prone to cutting into people. S...

I was recently tasked with talking about things I like for five posts. I really thought I typically talked about things I like, but I try not to read back through this stuff after posting it, so I really don't know. Never go back, kids, any backward momentum is death. I had also been considering for some time that I think the best/worst thing about being "clinically depressed" is that I feel like an over-all happy and well adjusted human being in the moments I'm not curled in a ball sobbing and pulling out my hair. It's fun. Life is good. This will all be immensely entertaining on film, I'm sure. But anyway, back to the main topic. My roommate/current-boyfriend/only subscriber has taken to giving me notes after he sees that I have written something new. They are typically along the lines of "why are you doing so many things that you dislike?" which kind of overlooks the idea that writing is one of the things I enjoy the most, but I've let tha...