Problematic

 I feel like I could never fully articulate the level of betrayal I feel from the fashion industry sometimes. Irregular Choice shoes are going to stop selling their iconic insane maximalist bullshit. Heatherette, the fashion company of my secretly-a-theater-kid dreams went under in 2009, right before I started to earn enough money to even dream of buying their clothes. I guess, I could probably look for some of that shit on Depop- but let's be honest...there's no way they were making inclusive sizes at that point in the 2000s. Also, is anyone actually using Depop? I did download it, but much like Too Good To Go, I find the idea of actually using it a whole "thing". "Thing" being some artificial and undefinable barrier. When we reach "it's a whole thing" status, that is the exact point in which my desire to do or learn something hits up against my low capacity for risk and failure. But, I digress... Alexander McQueen is another fashion house tha...

 It's apparently been over a year since I have tried to write something personally. But, it's probably been way longer than that since I felt like writing a diary. And, the last time I tried writing creatively was definitely in the early 2020s.  Overall, I've shrunk.  Yet, I have been privately, constantly, been screaming. I have been spending so much of my time trying to insert myself in conversations and places in the name of taking up space. In therapy today I said that I didn't want to leave my job because I was worried if I didn't stand up to a workplace bully that there would be people who would have to deal with them after me. Do I really have to be the person fighting any particular fight though? Does anyone even really want me to? Who is asking me to do this beyond a previous version of myself that didn't realize this was a fight I would be in? If I'm being honest, I think I mostly act out of self interest. And I think people can smell it. The vibes...