The Day She Came Home

There are events you prepare for that color the day. Every moment is tinted, awash, with sadness. A murky, smothering color that catches in your breath. You shouldn't breathe color.

I like blue and gray, so I don't think I would associate either color with this feeling. It's more surreal. A cloudy sepia tone. Hot and abrasive. It's been overwhelming.

We picked her up at 4:15. I had already had a few sobbing fits and when the young lady handed her little brown box to me I startled her with my emotion. This in turn startled me. How could this not be normal? How could someone find the strength in little more than a week to keep themselves composed in this moment? How could I be expected to hold back my tears when I recognize her name on the small wooden box? I clutch it as I clutched her body when I found her and feel this new texture. This new body. So delicately carved with flowers. No perceivable way to open it. A shining black placard on the front- engraved with a platitude to my beloved. It could not possibly capture the extend to which her life and departure overtake me. The bright golden lettering set against the dark is almost an extension of this cruel joke for how close it is to her eye color against her fur.

This should be a final bit of closure.

I understand this isn't her.

Whatever makes up the character of a living thing is no longer tethered when they die.

She is not in the box.

It is a cruel token left to taunt me by an unforgiving god. But I will still cherish it. I do not know where she is and I am afraid to find out. But I will cherish this box that contains the remnants of what once contained her. I will build a small shrine. In a cupboard. With a little figure and her favorite toy. I will try to reclaim my emotions. I will try not to weep when I move toward the kitchen. I will try to move past the guilt.

Tomorrow we move on.

P.S. I also wanted to share "Ultralight Beam" from Life of Pablo but apparently the YouTube video cannot be embedded. There's also two pieces of writing that helped a little bit- an interview with RuPaul that touches on the purpose of life in a way that I can relate to and hope to move on to, and The School. NPR has been my main bitch lately.


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