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My Damage

What do I look for in a vindictive act?

Something quiet and meaningful mostly to myself.

The trouble in my life is always at the cross roads of logic and desire.

Logically I won't love Myex forever. I won't want him forever. I don't love or want him now, I just hate losing. And my desire is a flicker in dry California heat, just waiting to erupt. My desire is fury and holy vengeance. Lust. None and all of that is true. Some days I live in a dimly lit, cluttered room and want for nothing. The next episode. A little rest. A nap. But nothing. Some days emotions grab my chest and pull it up to my throat, leaving it there to slowly block all the air and life from my body. These days cause the tremors.

I'm a dying eye. Teary, blurred, red, hot, glassy, foggy, taught and covered in the sheen of a dull discomfort. I look at the things that got me to this state and wonder if there is anything that can repair my soul. Did any of it really matter? Does it now? I could die at any …

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