My God I'm So Lonely

 I went to therapy recently. Friday, specifically.

I also bleached and dyed my hair. That happened earlier. I feel like that was more impactful on my declining mental health. It did take a few tries though. I went through a couple of cycles of bad dye before landing on Manic Panic, which I had never tried before. It bleeds out every time I shower, but the color still seems pretty bright and closer to what I was envisioning.

Anyway, my girl group has broken up. I think? Kind of. For all practical purposes at least, at the moment.

I don't think it can be narrowed down to any one moment. It doesn't seem to be anyone's fault. It seems over the course of the pandemic we found ourselves in very different places in life. A few friends lost really important people lately. It was hard enough to get everyone together before, but there doesn't seem to be a lot of room for scheduling around grief and tragedy. We all have very different habits now. It felt very rare we were all up to braving society at the same time. No one seems quite aligned in their careers. And it's been hard to communicate our anxieties because of the overwhelming terribleness of the times and the understandably limited capacities I think is one of the primary things we all share. That and the urge to smoke. I haven't wanted cigarettes ever in my life as much as I have in the last few months. 

So it feels a little like the group chat is dead. Long live the group chat. I hope with time we can find our way back, but I respect everyone's reasons for taking a break now. I've felt compelled to delete Discord twice in the last couple of months, so I can't claim to not understand. Still, that was my primary social outlet over the last 5 years or so, and I now find myself feeling a little lonely and lacking support. Again, not anyone's fault. I think in reality I have a lot of support. I am trying to be genuinely supportive back, but I'm not sure to what degree of success I am achieving that. I don't think my therapist really heard me. I think she was also trying to be supportive, but she ended up kind of telling me things I already knew and had tried. Maybe I'm just not able to put together the words for how lost, unmotivated, and melancholic I feel. I once again feel like I need to be reading more, and perhaps I will now that I seem to have a lot more time to myself. Maybe now we'll all find the space to thrive. That definitely sounds wrong. I don't think anyone was holding anyone else back. But I have finally taken up my project of painting the house again. 

I'm starting a new job tomorrow where I will be back in an office. I am not sure how I feel about this. Maybe I can use my lunch breaks to read, but I hate having to take lunch breaks. I will miss that about my old job. I'm also uncertain how long I will have to keep up the pretense that I wear makeup every day. Perhaps I can make a name for myself and spend time in the graveyard next door. I won't be making the most money I have ever made to start with (there is potential I could prove I'm worth more). But, I will be getting the most time off I ever have and I feel that's a decent trade off. It's not like I have a lot of bills, and I mostly spend my money now on very stupid things like red velvet flocked skulls and an excessive amount of decorations for Collin's birthday. And makeup for the office that I don't want to keep wearing for more than a few weeks. And little things for gift bags for future coven events where I planned on being very extra. Maybe I can still try to make those things happen. I think I've gotten very petty about planning things over the last couple of years and it's not a great look. It's not like anyone asks me to plan these things or go over-the-top with them. It's probably pretty weird I try to make little gift bags so often. Maybe that's something I should have brought up in therapy. The therapist was very chatty though and it felt a little hard to complete a thought, or interrupt her flow even though she was suggesting things I wasn't into. Like texting individual friends (which I was already doing) or making smaller sub-chats (which felt mean). I think I prefer to be passive aggressive over openly hostile whenever possible.

The part that was probably the least helpful was her scheduling our next session. It felt very similar to the way I feel every time I try to get my hair cut professionally. I always say "omg I love it" when I have only liked one hair cut I have ever gotten and the woman who did it didn't remember what she had done the next time I saw her. So I cheerfully went along with the pressure of not letting someone down. I need to cancel that appointment. I'm not trying to say that therapy doesn't work, but I don't feel like I'm the therapy type. Who knows whether that's indicative of my needing therapy the most.

I really meant to do more cleaning this weekend, but I did manage to do a lot of cooking for the week in preparation of the potential exhaustion of being around people and driving through traffic again. I think being forced into potential social interactions is the part that worries me the most. I have largely managed to avoid everyone outside of my close friend group for most of the last 3 years. This has probably been incredibly detrimental to my mental health and exacerbated my diagnosed social anxiety, but that's where we are. I have also lived without wearing a bra or pants. All of these things are about to change.

I have been planning trips. I pulled out a few canvases to pick up painting again. I'm feeding cats and raccoons. I have a planner now. I will eventually build up the courage to ask a neighborhood kid if anyone ever trick or treats. I am considering finding the motivation to learn Spanish. I have not been tracking my mood for a few weeks and I have not been wearing my Fit-bit for a couple of months. I'm not sure if any of this will lead to personal growth. I have talked to Collin about trying to go to the gym together, and while he hates the idea, he is generally very supportive and seems willing to try. I feel very lucky that I have a boyfriend who is generally very supportive and willing to try, but I really miss my friends as a collective. My girl group. My coven.

I'm sure I've shared this song before, but it's a very good one. My introduction to Mitski I will always cherish.