Blonde Nightmare

I both am and in a nightmare. I both am and am in a nightmare. I am in, and am, a nightmare. I'm in a nightmare. I am a nightmare of a person.

I am not sure how best to capture the sentiment.

I'll be brief about it.

The last few months have been a slow spiral in the wake of my best friends experiencing personal misfortunes on a larger scale. I probably haven't been accurately expressing how volatile I feel because I don't think there's space for it in anyone's life. There's no space for it in my life. It feels like there's a higher unspoken level of strain everyone has been under that's causing us all to snap, but quietly repair ourselves mostly off-screen, then reenter the scene because there doesn't seem to be anything else to do. No one's been allowed a break. I feel like a lot of my feelings are secondhand anyway. I probably need respite the least. Luckily, there doesn't seem to be any to snatch up, so I'm not being greedy about it. Or. I'm probably being way worse than I think I am and driving everyone else mad. That's probably my worst fear right now, that while I'm trying to hold it together for the most part because I don't want to add anything to anyone else's plate I'm actually being SO STRESSFUL. 

I think that's probably the case with Collin. Even then I let him go hang out upstairs and try to preoccupy myself with trash TV so he doesn't have to watch me stare at nothing and cry.

I know I am critically overwhelmed. I'm in a nightmare. But I am trying not to be overwhelming. But I know I'm a nightmare. Knowing you're a nightmare doesn't excuse being one.

I often feel worse because I know and I don't think I know how to mitigate the damage.

I decided, being as deep in my feels as I am, that it was probably time to try therapy again.

In my appointment with my psychiatrist I was promptly informed there is a wait list for therapy.

This was followed up a couple weeks later with an episode of Last Week Tonight about how there is a shortage of mental health providers that is just getting worse. 

HAHAHA [clown emoji] [gif of The Joker dancing down the stairs I have no actual context for because I have never seen the movie]

I don't have the energy to maneuver around this kind of obstacle at the moment. I've been job hunting. And now job accepting, which is somehow turning out to not be any easier. And perhaps worse in terms of the insurance coverage options I have become aware of in this potential new job. Insurance specs should be part of job listings now. If the system of obtaining healthcare is still so highly tied to employment (which is wrong on many levels) then the details of what type of insurance policy you'll be opting into should be on job postings along with pay rate. Of course, there are so many postings that don't list salary, so there's no way to demand anything more from anyone. CAPITALISM IS KILLING US. WE CAN NEVER TAKE A BREAK NOW.

The only solution to my problems is to bleach my hair.