Problematic

I'm weak and bored. I downloaded Facebook for my phone again. I opened it for a second and decided it was a mistake. I will probably mindlessly browse until I make myself too anxious again later tonight. I'm still in Austin and read, independent of terrible Facebook shares, that you are now three times more likely to get Covid in Austin than two weeks ago. This is insane. I am now feeling more like shutting down all outside activities like going to the grocery store. Today we set up a pick-up order for the first time since this started. We're all supposed to be staying in again until August 15th even though the governor is letting theme parks reopen because we're run by republican idiots. I still can't distract myself with TV. There's nothing I feel I can lose myself in the same way I did the garbage children of Vanderpump Rules. I've also lost access to the most recent Drag Race seasons. I'll need to make a new trial account once All Stars 5 is do

Have you seen Pose? It's so good. It's a great show even when we're not in the middle of Pride Month and celebrating Black artists, but it's perfect in the moment. It's gorgeous. It's devastating. It's uplifting. It reminds us to fight and hope, and sadly, that queer people of color have been fighting and hoping for a very long time. It's one of my favorite shows even though it is pretty hard to binge because of all the feels. And never forget the dancing and costume design. What have I done today? Watched things. Went for a run and worried a little when my right arm got a little numb...but it was 3PM in Texas so I'm lucky I didn't faint considering how out of shape I am. I reminded all my friends how out of shape I am in various group and individual texts. I followed up on the birthday wishes I got yesterday on Facebook because I decided yesterday I was getting too anxious from checking Facebook on my phone so I deleted the app again. Last t

It's my birthday. And it feels like there's no way to celebrate it. People are dying. People have died. In a way that seems much graver than the deaths that used to happen. And I am anxious all the time. I got an e-mail yesterday for a job interview in an ER. I initially misread the e-mail and did not realize that I would be physically in the ER so I was thrilled. Once I started to consider what working in an office where I would undoubtedly be exposed to Covid-19 would mean I became incredibly anxious. More so than normal. Incapable of further functioning. I don't think I'm brave enough for that responsibility. People are doing this right now. People are brave and they are dying. And it feels almost stupid to care when I spend so much time being suicidal that I might get sick and die. It feels unfair to all the people who aren't mentally ill. It feels even less fair to any current healthcare workers that are mentally ill. Everything feels so unfair. A