Survivor's Guilt

Have you seen Pose? It's so good. It's a great show even when we're not in the middle of Pride Month and celebrating Black artists, but it's perfect in the moment. It's gorgeous. It's devastating. It's uplifting. It reminds us to fight and hope, and sadly, that queer people of color have been fighting and hoping for a very long time. It's one of my favorite shows even though it is pretty hard to binge because of all the feels. And never forget the dancing and costume design.

What have I done today?

Watched things. Went for a run and worried a little when my right arm got a little numb...but it was 3PM in Texas so I'm lucky I didn't faint considering how out of shape I am. I reminded all my friends how out of shape I am in various group and individual texts. I followed up on the birthday wishes I got yesterday on Facebook because I decided yesterday I was getting too anxious from checking Facebook on my phone so I deleted the app again. Last time I did this I went a couple of months without being active there except to post the occasional blog post, and I can't say I don't recommend it. Collin has to take breaks, too. I'm amazed by the people who can handle it. The people who can face the world on a daily basis.

I'm drinking. I've been getting headaches though and not drunk, so I'm not drinking much. I didn't drink much before. I blame my brain chemistry.

I finally played Just Dance- Collin got it for me for our 6-month-iversary but I have been too embarrassed to play. He caught me in the middle of a song, too. It was horrifying. I'm not sure why- Scott and I used to play together but I think I didn't care as much about how stupid or unsexy I looked around Scott.

I'm watching Pose. Earlier I watched Seth Meyers which is the closest to the world news I can come. It wasn't nearly as dark as it has been. Bernie Sanders was on and that was a good time. After that I watched Salt Fat Acid Heat...I like to watch cooking shows that aren't competitions. Or British competitions because those are wholesome. I need things in my life right now that are very low-stakes. Which is why I can't watch too much Pose at once.

I pulled my yoga mat out of the car. I'm determined to get in better shape I think. I'm not entirely sure how dedicated I can be.

Collin got me painting supplies for my birthday and I prepped another canvas.

I actually did some work and I hated every minute of it. I have to do more tomorrow to catch up on things I have been putting off.

I have been violently throwing up because I've been having terrible migraines. Today I did not. It's been a good day food wise.

I gained weight from all the sushi and cake yesterday.

I went to Central Market for an iced mocha and more cake.

I wish I had more to say about the state of the world I'm ignoring because of my brain chemistry. Right now seems like such a pivotal moment. There's so much potential for change and a better world. Sadly, there's a human cost to this time that I'm unprepared to face anymore. I don't think I'm really burying my head. I'm still wearing my mask when I go out. I'm still supporting Black artists, media and the movement. I haven't been out to a protest because I'm too often unable to breathe. I've been trying to be good though. I have seen a few friends in very small numbers and I feel very guilty about taking that risk when I couldn't for Black lives. I feel guilty about everything though. I feel guilty I didn't feel very comfortable on my birthday. That I wanted more. I feel guilty because Covid cases are climbing again and I still go to the store. I don't know what to do but I know none of this is about me and that makes me feel guilty too.