Facts with Little Consideration
I'm weak and bored.
I downloaded Facebook for my phone again. I opened it for a second and decided it was a mistake. I will probably mindlessly browse until I make myself too anxious again later tonight.
I'm still in Austin and read, independent of terrible Facebook shares, that you are now three times more likely to get Covid in Austin than two weeks ago. This is insane. I am now feeling more like shutting down all outside activities like going to the grocery store. Today we set up a pick-up order for the first time since this started. We're all supposed to be staying in again until August 15th even though the governor is letting theme parks reopen because we're run by republican idiots.
I still can't distract myself with TV. There's nothing I feel I can lose myself in the same way I did the garbage children of Vanderpump Rules. I've also lost access to the most recent Drag Race seasons. I'll need to make a new trial account once All Stars 5 is done, but that will be a while, and honestly I'm not that excited. So I have been watching Great British Bake Off- sort of as background noise.
I'm still not as into cooking as I used to be, but now I feel I must do it more often not just because we've been wasting a fuck ton of money, but because it's sort of irresponsible to be eating out. Better for the economy I guess- but not for the people forced to work to make ends meet putting their lives at risk because capitalism is the worst. I spend too much of my own work day goofing off because it's hard to focus and be engaged when the world is crumbling around you.
I signed up for classes for fall- but not at UH...so I'm going to lose my psychiatrist access...so I might have to be unmedicated for a few months. I'm already pretty excited by how the fuck that's going to work if things don't get any better out in the world. Of course- the assumption is that it's going to continue to get much worse. So- maybe all the healed scars on my arms will get new friends- because I am weak and stressed. I'd probably be doing this already if I weren't living with Collin- which seems like a bad reason to not be self-harming. I probably should be able to do this for myself.
I just went out for ice cream. Even though I determined I shouldn't go into stores anymore. And spent 10 dollars because I wasn't paying attention and for some reason there's a local ice cream company that is not at all reasonable.
Today we've kept the lights off so it's been pretty dark in the living room. I did some work in the darkness until my eyes got tired. They're getting tired now. I have slept too much today.
Yesterday I started painting a bit. I have five paintings I am working on for friends who may never receive them.
I keep pressuring Collin to let us go on a trip before things get much worse and we're not able to go out again for a year...as I assume things will completely break down sometime around Fall...probably September or October- whenever the fuck things get cold again. It's not like things are better now. It's not like this first wave ever ended.
I'm still going out running on a completely irregular basis. I have lost a little of my birthday weight I put on.
All I can think to do is mindlessly record facts. It's hard to feel things and articulate them these days because I think the sadness would be too overwhelming if I gave it that room to breathe and take life.
I lost track of whether there are still protests or whether we're all just now sharing things on Instagram and I feel like that might be the worst thing I've done in a while.
I downloaded Facebook for my phone again. I opened it for a second and decided it was a mistake. I will probably mindlessly browse until I make myself too anxious again later tonight.
I'm still in Austin and read, independent of terrible Facebook shares, that you are now three times more likely to get Covid in Austin than two weeks ago. This is insane. I am now feeling more like shutting down all outside activities like going to the grocery store. Today we set up a pick-up order for the first time since this started. We're all supposed to be staying in again until August 15th even though the governor is letting theme parks reopen because we're run by republican idiots.
I still can't distract myself with TV. There's nothing I feel I can lose myself in the same way I did the garbage children of Vanderpump Rules. I've also lost access to the most recent Drag Race seasons. I'll need to make a new trial account once All Stars 5 is done, but that will be a while, and honestly I'm not that excited. So I have been watching Great British Bake Off- sort of as background noise.
I'm still not as into cooking as I used to be, but now I feel I must do it more often not just because we've been wasting a fuck ton of money, but because it's sort of irresponsible to be eating out. Better for the economy I guess- but not for the people forced to work to make ends meet putting their lives at risk because capitalism is the worst. I spend too much of my own work day goofing off because it's hard to focus and be engaged when the world is crumbling around you.
I signed up for classes for fall- but not at UH...so I'm going to lose my psychiatrist access...so I might have to be unmedicated for a few months. I'm already pretty excited by how the fuck that's going to work if things don't get any better out in the world. Of course- the assumption is that it's going to continue to get much worse. So- maybe all the healed scars on my arms will get new friends- because I am weak and stressed. I'd probably be doing this already if I weren't living with Collin- which seems like a bad reason to not be self-harming. I probably should be able to do this for myself.
I just went out for ice cream. Even though I determined I shouldn't go into stores anymore. And spent 10 dollars because I wasn't paying attention and for some reason there's a local ice cream company that is not at all reasonable.
Today we've kept the lights off so it's been pretty dark in the living room. I did some work in the darkness until my eyes got tired. They're getting tired now. I have slept too much today.
Yesterday I started painting a bit. I have five paintings I am working on for friends who may never receive them.
I keep pressuring Collin to let us go on a trip before things get much worse and we're not able to go out again for a year...as I assume things will completely break down sometime around Fall...probably September or October- whenever the fuck things get cold again. It's not like things are better now. It's not like this first wave ever ended.
I'm still going out running on a completely irregular basis. I have lost a little of my birthday weight I put on.
All I can think to do is mindlessly record facts. It's hard to feel things and articulate them these days because I think the sadness would be too overwhelming if I gave it that room to breathe and take life.
I lost track of whether there are still protests or whether we're all just now sharing things on Instagram and I feel like that might be the worst thing I've done in a while.
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