32

It's my birthday. And it feels like there's no way to celebrate it.

People are dying. People have died.

In a way that seems much graver than the deaths that used to happen.

And I am anxious all the time.

I got an e-mail yesterday for a job interview in an ER. I initially misread the e-mail and did not realize that I would be physically in the ER so I was thrilled. Once I started to consider what working in an office where I would undoubtedly be exposed to Covid-19 would mean I became incredibly anxious. More so than normal. Incapable of further functioning. I don't think I'm brave enough for that responsibility. People are doing this right now. People are brave and they are dying.

And it feels almost stupid to care when I spend so much time being suicidal that I might get sick and die. It feels unfair to all the people who aren't mentally ill. It feels even less fair to any current healthcare workers that are mentally ill.

Everything feels so unfair.

And that's not even the only avenue by which people are currently dying.

We all just want things to be better. I'm tired of crying about it.

In the end I watched some porn like a complete sociopath while my gorgeous boyfriend tried to fall asleep. And it helped. And I feel a little worse because of that. But is there really any way to feel better right now?

I've been trying to have real thoughts but nothing comes anymore. It's all a jumble. I never thought I'd miss an office. I never thought I'd long for my previous anxieties. I never thought I'd feel worse living with my boyfriend that I adore than when we had to see each other every other weekend just because the circumstances under which we decided to cohabitate are so far from ideal. It's been three months and I am happy not to be alone. I am happy to see him every day. I am happy to see him from the stand point that I love him and I would normally love to be around him, yet I am filled with guilt and melancholia.

I have seen a few friends. I will see a few more. But I fear those days are coming to an end as well as more people get sick and more people die because we all miss our friends and "regular" lives, despite the fact that those lives so often left so much to be desired.

Now people are fighting for change because there's very little left to do and focus on. Because it needed to happen long ago. And it's hard to think of what the world will look like when this is over. It's hard to imagine it ever being over. It's hard to think and it's hard to imagine. But there are a lot of people out there doing it. There's a lot of people being brave.

There's a lot of history being made.