As It Was

 Wow. It's been a really long time.

I have 4 cats now. Still one boyfriend. 2 mostly virtual friends. 2 friends IRL, but at least 1 wants to leave. A job I possibly hate because I don't know where I fit in or how to be effective.

It's probably been over a year since I had 5 friends. I grow more and more concerned that I cannot genuinely connect with the people I used to love. Even if we have similar political views we handle them in different ways. We have very different problems even though we're in ostensibly similar periods of life. 

My life now is trapping and caring for community cats, and being equal parts over involved and flaking out on the community. Who even is the community? I think before the pandemic my friends were my community. I lived myopically. My vague sense of purpose to make things better in some undetermined way. I'd figure it out as I grew up, I guess. But now I am growing up, and the way to make a difference has never been so opaque.

Around 12 hours ago I skinned my knee chasing my cat away from the front door. I've been on a lot of gabapentin for a completely different injury, and I am realizing it is making me sleepy and numb. I'm not sure how much of the numbness is the medication though versus my disconnectedness from society.

I think a lot about the time when we were 6 friends. Two Pisces, two Taurus, two Gemini. It seemed balanced in a way. I think a lot about the part I played in becoming 5 friends. Things have only seemed to get worse from there. Communication hasn't felt the same. Like the minor problems we had miscommunicating as a segment bled out into all group communication and now we're almost always misunderstanding each other. I think I am at the top of the leaderboard for ineffective and hurtful communication right now. This should be something to scrutinize and work through. 

All I want to do is drink, dance, and spend money.