Flower of Evil

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 I'm watching a Korean drama about a man who has been living a lie and I feel like I'm drowning.

The depths of my lack in direction and success are boundless.

I'm almost certain I'm headed toward a point where only two people and four cats truly want to be around me. Even then I'm sure two of the cats could take it or leave it. 

I buy imaginary things and crave boba tea constantly. Pretending small indulgences don't add up seems to be the only way I know how to survive and it's sure to kill me eventually. 

I've been 35 for two months and a college graduate for two years. I have this elevator pitch about it. I talk all the time about not having the guidance to navigate higher education and how much it made me value educational equity. I'm always mentioning how my parents didn't teach me Spanish because they didn't want me to be discriminated against. Now I mention community building and community meetings every chance I get. Everyone at work is always saying they think I'm so kind. They know I'm really motivated by helping others and that's why I belong. In my activities as a teacher's pet I'm often told I'm really smart and could go really far...somewhere else. 

I'm sure now I don't belong anywhere.

I guess kindness and aimless guilt ridden anxiety can move the same way sometimes.

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