Sweater Weather

It's cooling down a bit. I enjoy the livid sky. It must have rained before I woke up because the ground is still dappled with puddles.

There are a few things I have wanted to write about- the first being my "new" living space. As you know, it was recently christened by a housewarming party. It has now been identified as my space. There are mood boards on the walls. I clean it regularly. I own things. The palate is grey, blue and turquoise. When I moved in there was already a blue grey accent wall, which seemed perfect because I quite enjoy that shade.

I don't know if it was the housewarming, exactly, but I am starting to feel more at home here. I am even beginning to like spending so much time alone, watching things, listening to music while I study, painting, enjoying time with The Kitten. It's becoming it's own reality. Any previous moment now feels like a dream. It has been almost a month since Isis passed, and I don't know if it's a weird coping mechanism, but it now feels more like that time was with a completely different person. I don't know how healthy that is. I miss her. But I try to hold it in. In our adventures yesterday we passed the mortuary Myex and I took her to that day. I wanted to freak out- but I became a panicky kind of numb instead. In my head I just kept repeating that it would be best not to make a scene with everyone around. I think this was effective, if not the best way to handle negative emotions. The new space has her pictures on the walls. This isn't about my complicated relationship with death, though. It's about my complicated relationship with life. And in ways, it's starting to feel less complicated. I am beginning to enjoy this area of town- off Riverside and Pleasant Valley. It's being renovated, but you can still see a lot of the mahogany peeking through the whitewashing. It still has an air of danger that one has been conditioned to expect in the non-white areas of town.

I live next to a Hispanic night club. After about 5 pm the entrance to my apartment complex is crowded by pick-ups. Very nice pick-ups. They're quite clean, and they have monstrous wheels. Absurd wheels. I am not sure what the practical purpose is of wheels so large in an urban area. But there they are. I haven't noticed a lot of women, though, and I think it would be nice if it were a very Hispanic gay bar. I think that is something that Austin could use. It's something the world could use, really. It would make me feel a little less weird about walking past it on occasion anyway. I think knowing you are not going to be sexualized when you are in a club always makes it a little easier to enjoy yourself.

Beyond the night club, there are some very nice condos being built. Some luxury apartments that are already established are on my way to the trail I run on a few times a week. They have their own small lake. The patios are quite nice, and I think one even has a cute rooftop lounge area. I desperately want to live someday in a place that has a rooftop lounge area. Desperately. For now, the apartment complex itself is small and beige, but my apartment feels roomy enough for just myself and The Kitten. I think I enjoy my neighbors. They're either Hispanic, black or look like artists or college students. Considering my high school was mostly occupied by Hispanic and black kids and I hung out with all the artsy nerds I feel quite at home. This is a populace I am familiar with. There's a refreshing beatnik community quality I feel every time I enter walkway to my door and pass several entryways that reek of weed. And though it's a little weird, the night club helps as well, because there was a night club down the street from my home when I was growing up. It's all leading me back to where I feel more myself.

Which brings me to my next topic- change. I think I have lived, as I suspect a lot of people do, under the shadow of a fallacy that I can do better. This is purely hypothetical, as there has never been a time that I can remember that I have actually done better. I like to think if I just focused more and worked harder I could accomplish a great deal. Now I wonder if that's really only a half-truth. I might be able to finish writing a book some day- or have several large pieces of art...but does that mean they will be well received? And maybe, I actually can't. I might not have the stamina. There's surely limitations on one's capability, and I kind of want to see if I can figure out what mine are. Will I ever be as productive as I think I can be? At what cost? Will I ever lose the weight I want to lose? Will that truly make me happy? I don't think so. I think even if I were able to accomplish my short-term goals, it would just lead to another set of goals to feel even more accomplishment. Then I'll savor that accomplishment for a few seconds and be starving for that high with no idea of where to get it from next. I think that's the cycle I'm in now, anyway. Regardless of how well I do in school, or at work, or anywhere, I find myself overwhelmed immediately after by the idea that it's really not enough. It will never be enough.

And that's where K-Dramas come in. I think I can make a good case for them now. It's true, that they're a little bit like candy. They probably shouldn't be all you consume. But there's some usefulness in having a treat on occasion. I am likely over-indulging, as I tend to do. My greatest reason for sinking into this rabbit hole is two-fold: A. they actually have an okay basis for relationships, in a sense, and B. the characters are typically always pushing to climb out of some hole they were born into by being of a lower socioeconomic class. I can very deeply relate to B and A is something I want. There are a lot of really problematic things about the way the couples in these shows interact, like the guys tend to be very controlling, but the basis for their relationship is almost always a shared outlook on life. The two characters always seem to find someone who can really relate to them on an emotional level and in how they view other people, although they might not treat people the same way. With this basis they go on a weird little journey, and typically grow emotionally as well, but maintain a connection as they grow. I think that's what I am missing and not quite sure of how to find in a significant other. A familiarity with the way one approaches life. It's kind of funny because that was what Myex always complained about. He didn't think we had the same outlook and wanted to find someone with a sunnier disposition. I can finally kind of get it, after 5 different iterations of the same storyline.

They also usually go to great lengths to take care of one another. Which seems nice, if unrealistic.

Finally, I am not sure what to do with some of the people I have in my life. There were some people who sort of checked out after Isis died that have not made any attempts to check back in. I kind of want to just cut losses, because I don't think it's my responsibility to reach out to others in this case. Maybe I am being too harsh? I typically try to reach out to friends though if they are being distant or cryptic or seem to have something going on in their life they're struggling with. I just don't want to have to maintain something that will just be a suck on my emotional resources, and, yet, I don't want to really reduce the pool of friends I have. Should I just give in?

This post was a mess, but I just kept forgetting to write about any of these things separately.


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