Vindication

Hello, World.

It feels like it has been longer than it probably has. It also feels as though I open a lot of my posts with a comment on how long it has been since I posted, but I don't feel strongly enough about it to go back and check.

The semester ended last Thursday and I promptly caught a cold. My immune system, you may have gathered by now, is not the greatest...but I think I'm on the other side of it at this point.

Today I saw my psychiatrist for a one-month follow-up. I had taken my medication for three straight weeks leading up to my finals and then forgot about it for about a week and a half. My psychiatrist seemed unphased, but pleased that I was able to report less hair pulling and less fervent thoughts of creating large gashes in my body. She was impeccably dressed from the waist up- a string of pearls and a dreamy champagne silk blouse. I didn't notice what she was wearing as she glided behind the desk after welcoming me in, so I couldn't comment on the ensemble from the waist-down, but from the top she looked like a classy-take-charge-Shondaland-heroine. I thoroughly enjoy seeing her because she is everything I want in life. Even in her assessment of me she is brightly, charmingly, no-nonsense and a little condescending. When I mentioned that I am not sure if I am doing what I want and don't know how other people make that choice, she laughs lightly at my simple-minded arrogance and replies, "They don't."

"They just pick something and they go with it. They choose an experience that they want to have and continue forward-" and then, smiling kindly, she noted that if you question every little thing it becomes hard to make a decision/move forward/be happy. This is what I will obsess over for the next three months.

What is the correct amount of questioning? Can I really let go? Can I really just eliminate the possibilities of what I don't want to do and grab onto an experience that sounds "okay" and then ride that out? Is that really what life is for everyone else? Is this already too much questioning?

After our last encounter, in which she dared to ask me why I am not happy with my life I have spent a few hours every few hours carefully considering an answer. She didn't ask me that this time. Probably because she is not a psychologist. So that thought is still on my mind, but is now in the company of those other important questions about questions.

At the very least- I find now that my urge to escape is refocused on location and people rather than life itself. That is surely an improvement? My psychiatrist seemed pleased enough. She upped my dosage of Prozac and told me to get more exercise in because it's good for pretty much everything. I think it's worth it to note that my psychiatrist is a D.O. which is different from an M.D. in that they take a more holistic approach to medicine. I did not specifically choose her because of this, as you well know...but I find it amusing that she does seem to apply that training.

So the latest semester is over and I feel I should reintegrate myself into life. I had an especially hard time of it this semester. Probably because I am on the precipice of a new life- which feels very much like an old life. I feel a little like I hit pause somewhere in 2008, but it didn't work, and the reel kept moving normally, but somehow my character was set to that horrible glitchy feature that lets you fast-forward very slowly (because you are only meant to be in that state for a few seconds) but I made it through half the film that way. It's jarring to be rejoining the cast that has been going normal speed this whole time and the instinct is to try to hit pause again, or, better yet, eject.

I still managed to get two Bs- which lowered my GPA but not as significantly as I feared. I have accepted that this is something I can no longer control and will likely do better in with fewer distractions next semester. I got a call about a job that I was not interviewed for, but that's fine because I wasn't originally job-hunting- the amount of money just seemed too good not to apply. I also ate many more sour-gummy candies than one should in a short period of time and I think I must take a sour-gummy candy hiatus. That is probably for the best, though, because I should really go back on a diet of some sort. All self-care was promptly tossed aside as finals approached. It's a wonder I am alive. I fear I am picking up some awkward country-yokel accent at work, though not from anyone in particular. I think my thoughts have just been ramming together too quickly with the stress of school, the break-up, and career uncertainty, and it's knocking out some of the consonants when I try to vocalize anything. I start an aerial acrobatics class tomorrow though and I am hoping that helps me relax. Sometimes being physically upside-down is exactly what you need to feel less mentally upside-down.

Finally, I briefly joined a fetish site. And I think I am over it. I haven't read Fifty Shades of Grey so I can't really explain my brief interest outside of it being exactly what my psychiatrist advised today- I considered an experience and signed up. I don't know that it counts, though, because I didn't go very far into entertaining this lifestyle...so there is a part of me that wants to push myself back in, what would be the harm? It'd be something to write about at the very least, right? I think this consideration of giving experiences a try is the first truly validating thing anyone has ever given me- because I spent a lot of my youth making poor decisions for the sake of the experience. It's a relief to have someone else say that's as worthy a pursuit as any other.

Comments

  1. Hmm aerial aerobics , worth a shot or two at least . I can't even do water aerobics so you one upped me - james

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    Replies
    1. I just saw this, James! Thanks for commenting. It was actually really fun but also difficult because I have poor upper body strength.

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  2. Hmm aerial aerobics , worth a shot or two at least . I can't even do water aerobics so you one upped me - james

    ReplyDelete

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