The New Normal

Does anyone remember that show? Ryan Murphy has done better but it wasn't the worst. Although, it could be a little offensive.

I am quite tired but I have a ton of work to do today. I should also shower. Saturday should be reserved for studying. Sunday an old friend will be visiting. I need to clean my apartment. I had been doing quite well at looking like a human being and I want to show that off. He's only ever seen me living in squalor. His acceptance of that natural state of being is what has kept our friendship alive. We met in middle school and he is now one of two good friends that I have known that long. Even so, we'll never be as close because I live in a completely different city. He's also an actual adult. With plans for investment properties and the capital to make those investments. i have no capital.

I feel tingling around body pretty often. I wonder if this is something I should be concerned by.

I have taken my medication for two days in a row. I was getting too antsy at work. I don't think it will necessarily help with that, but if it's a frustration and lack of focus because my moods are unhindered I hope this will help. I want to go back to my psychiatrist soon. Now that I have paid some of my debt off. I keep feeling my age. It's an arbitrary concept. I wonder if the reason that I can't create anything real is because I am too focused on being a creator. I am too competitive and envious. If I were more into just the story that I wanted to tell or the strokes on the canvas, maybe I would be more satisfied. It's not that I'm not into those things, but I often feel like I am doing them wrong. I can't help but feel I am missing something.

I need an anchor.

I can relate to people who invest all their time on another person. It's not healthy, but the idea is that if you put in the effort the other person will as well. This isn't a reasonable expectation, although it would seem to be. Not everyone will want to. Not everyone will be capable of it. I have felt this acutely, so, at the moment, I can't invest in others the way I would like to. Selfishly. I want to appear to be good. Generous. This isn't healthy either, but it doesn't hold anyone to any unfair expectations, and I think that is the best I can do right now. Until I can find it in myself to be generous just because. I like to think I am somewhat inclined toward that, because I am very sympathetic, I believe in globalization, and I think we are each other's keepers. I am not a good keeper. I am unkind. But I see that the world won't change if I am unwilling to take responsibility and a lot of people need help. A lot of people need an intervening force. Something caring and nurturing. I'm not even capable of keeping myself.

The Kitten and I are barely alive. Neither of us human. I can be little more than a cat and a cat's keeper right now.

I have a tendency to gravitate toward unrealistic goals. Being kind and generous is slightly unrealistic with no reference point. When I was younger I wanted to go to Harvard. I now want to go to law school. I want a romance that has a soundtrack. I might be able to accomplish two of these things.

This has been pretty rambly.

Lately I have just felt as though I am looking in. The place where I was is now occupied by another. Isis has been gone for a month now and it feels more like that all happened to someone else. I am unmoored. Drifting in headaches and light sensitivity. A tightly clenched jaw. Directionless and waiting to capsize. I spent the other day listening to Hamilton and coming to terms with my lack of genius. I started listening to The Book of Mormon afterwards and it was not as good. Still funny and much better than anything I have incepted.

Yesterday I realized that my sister is no longer on Facebook. I think my family is the greatest expression of how truly unkind I can be. I should find a way to repair that. And finish a project.


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