Basket of Deplorables

The cast of characters in my life is fairly small at the moment.

There is my nuclear family: my mother, my father, my sister and my nephew.

We have our problems, but that I will dive into later.

My friend circle centers on my best friend from college, her best friend from high school, her best friend's gay brother and her husband. There's also my ex-boyfriend.

His social circle consists primarily of people he has had sex with and people he wants to have sex with. And his daughter.

There are people who I miss in Houston- and for the most part can pin-point the moment when we became distant. When what seemed like mostly solid land gave way to a canyon.

I can feel two instances approaching where this may happen again.

The first, and most obvious, is my ex-boyfriend. I have had many ex-boyfriends but this is My Ex. The others have names and established identities and I do not keep up with them but I hope they are not doing well: Gilbert, Julio, Rogelio...others? I came from a largely Hispanic community and I had a tendency to speed date because I don't like dating in general.

After Houston there was Travis, Collin and My Ex. Who is simply an extension of desires I established in my teenage years that were probably not healthy or reasonable. He's an extension of wanting my mother's unwavering affection and appreciation. He's the last person I really chased down to get love from, and I did not succeed.

He's been a decent friend, but when parents lose their child it can create distance. Blame.

If the relationship wasn't solid to begin with it's likely not to last. This is what I see on the horizon.

As I mentioned, his social circle is primarily his ex-girlfriends with stalkerish tendencies and the girls he is trying to turn into ex-girlfriends with stalkerish tendencies. I don't want to be an ex-girlfriend with stalkerish tendencies. I want to have a free and vibrant life, with people I love, who like me as a person. I wanted the other person who knew Isis best to be there- but maybe it's okay if her memories are mine alone. If I feel like only I and The Kitten knew her. Then I will be the sole witness to The Kitten joining her and will have completed a life cycle with a family I loved who loved me unconditionally as well.

I have to do my French homework. I can't have an on-again-off-again friend. I can't be friends with people whose friend have tried to hurt me. I am trying to be healthier. I am trying to argue my worth to the world.

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