A Night of New People

Tonight I met someone new. His name is Cesar and he is awkwardly silent. He speaks with purpose. Steady and deep. The pacing of his sentences seems to emphasize the silence in between the words, giving them an artificial weight, that I must assume is a manifestation of his anxiety.

There are fireflies out. NPR has been educating me this summer on the reason fireflies had gone away since my childhood (Texas was very dry for a while) and how deeply disturbing their blinking truly is. I love NPR now much more than I thought I ever would. There was a time I really despised the idea of listening to someone talk for extended periods of time. I think I had too many people talking to me at the time about things I didn't care about. Now I listen to the news and know what Aleppo is off-hand, which is slightly better than some. I feel like the re-emergence of fireflies is just another way the world seems to be moving back to a time I remember better and slightly more fondly. My childhood was filled with fireflies. Now there are fireflies when I go running. And butterflies. Nature seems to approve of my recent uptick in activity.

We are at a coffee shop and it feels very much like I am in college. I don't feel as old as I am and I don't know if that's good or bad. Cesar is sketching. Tehya is studying for her Project Management exam. Laura is also sketching, off of a photo on her laptop. We are surrounded by strangers. A lingering scent of smoke. Chatter undulates in the background. It feels social without the strain of having to interact with the room. Most of the people here are very pretty, even the ones that aren't. It's warm.

I have been toying with the idea of reactivating my Bumble account. I don't really want to date, though. I just feel an absence. I think it's going to be weird watching fall programming alone. Nice, because I won't have to worry about waiting on someone else to watch a new episode. But maybe that was nice too. My Ex is also the only person I have gone to the movies with in the last couple of years. I wonder if I should try harder not to burn bridges. I miss my sister sometimes. I long for family.

My favorite person in the world right now is my best friend's best friend's little brother. He's the only person I have ever met who is gay that I expected to be gay. I had a few friends come out after high school and everyone else saw it coming, but I was oblivious. Mostly because they refuted the idea and I didn't want to assume they were lying, even though it's probably one of the few things that it is reasonable and okay to lie about. Although it's sort of sad that anyone should feel they have to lie. Anyway, he's also the only gay man I have ever met who puts up with me. For some reason every gay man up until now has found me a little exhausting, it seems. Maybe I have just toned it down. Or maybe he's just far more fabulous than I am and so he isn't concerned with my shenanigans.

I absolutely love him. Perhaps to a point that is inappropriate. Maybe because I have little else.


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