Preparations- Edited

The house is a mess. But I have been productive and creative, so I don't feel so bad about it being this way. It is not such a mess that I couldn't easily replace things where they "belong" again.

I finished some of my mood boards and they are hanging on the walls along with photos of Isis (some that include My Ex). I have a picture of him and his daughter that someone must have taken a few years ago. They look very happy, and I think I should give it back, but they were the closest thing I had to a family of my own for a little while, and though it's not something I really want anymore I wanted it once and it's hard to let go of that missed opportunity. I probably wouldn't be a good mom, though. It's probably better that things worked out this way. For all her madness, clinginess, and uncunning machinations Stassney might be a great mom. Perhaps if only because her obsession might mean that she loves more and is more forgiving. I shouldn't hate her for the way that she is, because they're likely a reason she sent all those naked pictures of herself. Something stemming from her childhood or adolescence. And even if there isn't there's no reason to hate people past a certain point. She could still even out. People do sometimes. And once she is loved openly, maybe they'll be very happy, and it will have all been exactly as it should be.

I asked My Ex to come visit because I wanted him to see my art on my walls and that I own things of my own now. I wanted to be acknowledged, I guess. Even if we can't be friends anymore because it's too much for me to know that he would rather be able to keep Stassney. Some friends are worth more than others. He didn't respond to my text. It's probably for the best. The cats and I should be tangential in the overall arch of his narrative. It's okay if he was a bigger part in ours. That happens.

The cast of characters has been updated:
Lies- is my best friend whom I met my first year in college. She was my first roommate/dorm-mate, and we chose each other because we were both studying linguistics and had similar taste. We went out to eat at a place we could walk to by campus and things were a little awkward so I tried to be direct. At the time I was much better at being direct. I felt like I had nothing to lose in doing so. I told her I wasn't a crazy bitch, which is probably a lie, but I really meant that I wasn't going to be malicious toward her, which has been true. Afterwards I think things loosened up, but they probably would have anyway because she really goes with the flow most of the time. The restaurant we first went to didn't last. The rent prices are so high along campus most places don't.

Collette- who I will call "Coll". She is Lies' best friend from their hometown. I think middle school, but I might be projecting because most of my hometown friends are from middle school. Either way they've known each other a very long time. At first we didn't get along. Mostly because the two of us both needed Lies as a support network and it was hard to learn to share. Recently we've found a lot of common ground in our being judgmental of others, anxiety, and not really enjoying trying on clothes. The last one is unspoken, I think, and maybe just something I feel. She might not know I don't feel good trying on clothes- but we went shopping yesterday and I tried to be conscious of that. Even if I wasn't really able to say anything to help.

Digwust- who I will call "Dig". Is Coll's little brother and the first person I have found very easy to relate to in a really long time. We have completely different aesthetic preferences but we have very similar personalities. At least in relation to relationships, which is a lot of my focus. This makes him very easy to talk to at times, but also very difficult to talk to, because I am never quite sure how to hand myself. He is able to do some things I really wish I could as well- like seem self-assured, cook, find great thrift store furniture and fix it up, twerk, think outside of himself, and communicate openly and honestly. I think he'll eventually be much more successful in dating because he is himself better.

So far these are the people I have been seeing on a very regular basis and they'll be who I base a lot of my writing off of, I think. They're very complex and interesting characters- so now I just need to start picking the stories to set them in that will exhibit that well.

On Tuesday night I will have a small house warming party. That should make me feel like a person.


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