Time Travel

I should be obsessed with it.

I spend none of my time in the moment- it's almost constantly in the past or future. So I should be too into time travel, but I just don't believe in the science behind it. I heard a startalk once in which they discussed the possibility of time travel, and how the people with the biggest ideas probably came back from the future with them.

This both feels ridiculous and kind of like cheating.

Which is kind of the first big joke in Making History, this great new comedy on Fox! It stars Adam Pally (The Mindy Project, Happy Endings), Leighton Meester (Gossip Girl), and Yassir Lester (Idk). I am a huge fan of Adam Pally, he has great comedic timing due primarily to his overwhelming earnestness. He's regularly one of the best parts of anything he's featured in, and I'm hoping his regular spots on The Mindy Project mean that she's going to have a guest role on this show. Leighton Meester is also surprisingly good at selling the roll of a sweet, naive but incredibly crafty revolutionary woman that Pally tricks into falling for him. Her innocent ditziness doesn't feel adorkably flat (ala Jess from New Girl) because she has the excuse of not having encountered present day concepts. But she adapts quickly while holding onto her proficiency quirks like hunting and trapping her own food in "yon woods." She's fantastic. I couldn't recommend the series more, and it's surely going to get cancelled because Fox executives can be idiots and no one wants to invest too far into a quirky comedy. I'd wager the costume department is pretty expensive, so I give it a singular fantastic season before it's axed.

Then there is the atrociously named Time After Time in which H. G. Wells for some reason knows Jack the Ripper and has to chase him through time to bring him to justice. It's absurd, it's fun, but I also doubt it will be renewed. It's the kind of fun absurd that is borderline really boring. Like if it were a person at a party it would be almost transparent they're trying to hard and you'd be really tempted to walk away.

I realize I missed posting yesterday.

I went out running with Toki after work and then we got dinner. It was actually a great experience because she opened up to me about a few things and I felt like we went up a friendship level. It's so unsatisfying to be in the kind of relationship that feels one-sided. Like the other person never wants to give up a bit of themselves, and luckily that is not what our friendship is. It was a large topic of discussion though, because I feel I have a lot of these relationships of convenience. Where the other person either never wants to share which means they never really let you in, which I think is fine if that's the kind of surface level acquaintance you both agree to. This can be the agreement silently or non-verbally, just by feeling the room or reading a reaction when you try to approach the boundary of next level sharing. Then you know- there's no reason to try to get too involved with this person. The hard part is when the person does not indicate they do not want you to share, and, in fact, is very receptive to you sharing, but then puts up boundaries and never talks about themselves. I don't know if maybe I should be happy to have relationships that seem to side heavily in my favor but the whole thing feels disingenuous. If we were really friends the other person should feel comfortable relying on me. That's a pretty basic tenet of any relationship over acquaintance I think: you can trust each other. In this way I feel the relationship has become one of convenience: it's fine to absorb for a bit whatever you have to say but any reciprocation is unlikely because it's just not what the other person is looking for. And I get that people are allowed to have boundaries, but when you've known someone for a really long time and had access to those areas of their life then suddenly don't the boundaries hurt. They feel like a direct reaction to you having done something wrong without ever telling you to give you the opportunity to make amends. At least to me that is how it feels...and I don't want to be in these arbitrarily one-sided relationships anymore. A culling is likely on the horizon.

The other type of relationship of convenience is the more obvious one that works in the opposite direction- where someone only reaches out to you when they have a problem. Either way I think it's unhealthy, or at least it's not what I want and maybe that's putting up arbitrary boundaries in a hypocritical way, too. Still I think if someone is coming to you for only one aspect of life- for sex, for fun, for a shoulder to cry on, for someone to rant at- then you're not truly friends. You're being used. You have a specific use. You perform this function and to go outside of this function means that you've crossed a line. That's not what you do! You're a fucking coffee maker, you don't try to get involved in a car breaking down.

And that's just not what I want anymore. I guess if on some level it's fair enough that they want that, it's fair that I don't and choose not to give it to them. It's fair if I want to be a multi-functional human being in the relationships I am in. If I had to trace it back I think it began with my family boxing me in. To my mom I was usually something to hover over and distrust. With my dad there was limited involvement. And finally, with my sister things are just weird. It's the kind of relationship where you know you're going to feel judged but it's impossible that you'd ever feel wise enough to judge back. Judging in general isn't great, but it's always a little annoying to have to deal with someone morally condescending.

I sincerely hope I'm not morally condescending.

I worry about being hypocritical a lot.


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