Disappointment

I don't handle it well. I need to work on that. I need to note it for my next therapy session.

Today was a good one.

My therapist's office is filled with trinkets. Things from World Market, most likely, meant to mimic the aesthetic of a far off land.

I think she's particularly fond of Asian cultures. She has tapestries hanging of men fighting on the backs of elephants. She juxtaposes that against the painted fans, bamboo, and geisha figurine.

There's also the most peculiar beaded fruit. I'm not sure why someone would want to bedazzle plastic fruit, but I wholeheartedly support her decision.

She seems to support mine.

Today I had a question for her: Do you think I'm unhealthily obsessed with Myex?

I asked because I worried that I would one day be Stassney. Myex insists he loves us both and wants us to be a make-shift family for him in a non-romantic sense. Not like a sister-wives thing...  And this makes me feel like there's little difference in our relationships or standing. Which makes me feel there's little difference between us. I think trying to humanize her didn't help with the blurring of that line.

So we talked a little bit about how our relationship was and ended. I explained that we fought. That I cheated. That he flirted. That there was a little while where I backed him into saying he wanted to be with his daughter's mom. I didn't mention that there were moments through all the fighting that I thought he was just scared but really loved me. Mostly because that makes me feel delusional now. She asked me if I regretted breaking us up after I told her I did it kind of in the moment. I made the decision after being cruel for no reason. I said "no" because I thought time away from each other would be good. I needed to refocus around school and he needed to focus on his daughter. We both did a lot to hurt each other unintentionally and I wanted to get some distance from that, too. To get to a place where we forgave each other- then see where it went from there.

She asked me if I would regret it if I lost him for good. I said yes and no. Mostly no, because I want him to be happy. I think this is the most unconditional and unselfish love I've ever tried to foster in myself. She said it sounded like I was giving up a lot just to figure out school and work. That people should make time for love and it sounded like I really loved him in a way that didn't seem excessive to her. I punctuated that by saying that I want to be pragmatic and allow myself the possibility of moving on as well. I don't want to trap either of us in a broken fantasy. To this she said it seemed with the way I was trying to handle the Stassney situation, that I was really trying to be accommodating- which was kind of great because I felt almost like I couldn't be accommodating in comparison. So, she asked me what I really wanted.

I didn't know.

I told her I wanted space to find out.

Today I found out my mom doesn't have more cancer. I was so pleased to hear the information. I was so worried that soon I would have to be prepping myself for a funeral. I considered on my drive home that even if my sister hadn't visited my mom she'd probably be stuck with the bill. Or maybe my dad would have enough? They are always offering to buy me houses...it's 300 dollars to cremate a cat, I wonder how much more it is for humans? Will I get to decorate her box? Will they give me a tuft of her hair? My only experience with death so far has been Isis. I can't imagine how much harder this will be...but Myex, before we knew she'd be better, agreed to go to the funeral with me and that made things feel safer. I was glad to be there for his grandfather's.

I also learned I was going to supervise the interns. I haven't supervised anyone since I was the assistant manager of a pizza place. It felt really good to be getting more responsibility. I wanted to talk to Myex about his management style, because I don't want to be the type of boss who micro-manages. I don't want to make the people I'm responsible for feel uncomfortable.

My therapist and I talked about the new prognosis. I told her that not knowing but feeling bad enough I needed to tell people made me feel worse. I didn't want to be responsible for other people having bad feelings. So I'd awkwardly say "It's ok." She explained, in her lisp, that I should think of their words of empathy as a present. That I should say thank you because what they are giving me is a showing of friendship. They are sad because they know my family and I are going through something difficult. I thought this was a much better perspective and I thanked her.

The day ended with a trip being cancelled. I realized that so much of the problem between me and Myex could be attributed to bad timing. Although, maybe, really, it's all been perfect timing. We were there for each other when we really needed it, then things timed out so that we could finally part on good terms to focus on other things and maybe our timing will be good again in the future? Even the timing of his admittance that he was sleeping with her was right, really. It was just as my medication started kicking in. Just as I was trying to start dating again even though I didn't really want to. It showed me that I shouldn't do things just to avoid being alone. So, I guess, things really are all a matter of perspective- this bad timing really hasn't been so bad after all.

And remember, we're all projects, so don't feel bad if you think you fall in love with works in progress.

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