The Show Must Go On

If you haven't seen Legion, you absolutely should be watching it. It's gorgeous. It's so cinematic! It's very similar to the Hannibal TV show in the way it's pushed boundaries for television cinematography, however Legion is brighter, and slightly more jarring, because of the subject matter. The scenes blur sometimes to reflect the confusion of the main character. The surrealism feels very true to what it feels like to suffer from mental illness, at least as far as my friends and I have compared notes.

Apparently, bipolar disorder can account for the delusions. David is presumed to be schizophrenic, which I had always thought was the primary mental illness associated with delusions. This might still be true, but bipolar disorder also does this. I guess during the manic phases? You're so wired some times. Colors become too vibrant. Things start to feel so real they must be manufactured. Sometimes, you think you're being followed, persecuted. Sometimes, there's a sense of euphoria and you're sure you're not like everyone else. You've got it all figured out.

Aubrey Plaza is also amazing in it. I've never understood the appeal because to me she has always seemed to be that species of actor that's not really acting. That's just kind of being themselves on camera. Like Nicolas Cage, Keanu Reeves, and Johnny Depp. The range of character always feels so similar. They might try comedy, thriller, action- but the underlying melody is always the same song. After seeing her interviews it seemed she was the same, but now I wonder if that's not just her staying in character. Maybe? Maybe I don't give her enough credit. She's beautiful in the show as well. They give her great costumes. I'm obsessed. I want to be her for Halloween. Her and Jessica Jones. Those are my goals right now.

I need to go running more often so I can feel more suited to the characters. I know that's not body-positive, I should feel I can dress as the characters even if I'm definitely at least 40 pounds heavier than either actress, but I still miss my old body. Before I was sad for so many years. I'm closer. I have successfully kept off about 15lbs...but I want to be closer still. Maybe another 20?

I went running/walking today. I hatched a pichu! This is probably not as exciting for you as it was for me. I'm very pleased with how many pokemon I have caught, though. And hatching eggs makes me more active because you have to walk around. It's not as simple as sitting in an area where you know a lot of pokemon will spawn. You have to move- and look like a total dork while doing so. Not as many people are still into Pokemon Go so I know it's strange to see me swiping at my phone as I walk down the boardwalk. Still it's my connection to Myex...and the formerly sunny friend. For the connection to Myex I am grateful, though I understand I should not be. Choices were made by both of us. The wrong ones. I don't think we could ever go back. I don't think I would want to go back. He's sleeping with the girl that tried to break us apart. I think in some ways she succeeded. So that's two of his relationships she managed to make worse. Ours wasn't perfect, but she was one of the larger elements of conflict. I myself was one, and, clearly, so was he. When we first met, I cheated on him. When we broke up because of it I said "I'm not ready for this kind of relationship...I think you're the kind of person I could marry when we're in our 30s." And that's not the craziest thing I've ever said to a guy! It's not the most unhinged I've ever been. But we've both tried getting better over time, and in a lot of ways that's led us to grow apart, and in a lot of ways to grow together. So, there's a part of me that wonders if that might come true. But I don't like forgiving people, and I wonder if even older me will want to forgive him for this.

I started sleeping with other people first. A day after moving out. It's kind of what I do. It's what I've been planning now. To go on another sexual misadventure. My only solution to preventing my sexually self-destructive fall-back is to learn to masturbate. I believe I mentioned before that I just don't do that. I've assumed for so long that I could just get sex somewhere if I wanted it so I did not need to masturbate. Now I have learned that maybe I should never want to "just get sex somewhere". Now that I have opened up my Tinder account again. And started playing on the fetish site again. I'm planning dates, but I think this is reactionary. I discovered Sunny is not for me and Myex is doing something hurtful- although I also don't want to have sex with him, and now that I've crossed out two sexual partners I might as well find a bunch more.

Or get to know my own body. And a vibrator.

I'm kind of hoping this will help me get better at sex anyway. I do enjoy it but I think I can admit I'm a little uptight for someone who is so sexually curious. For someone who's sexually misadventurous. Or perhaps that's why I'm uptight. I haven't really had a healthy sexual relationship yet. I haven't really had a healthy relationship, period. I'm not really sure what that is. But I think this friendship with Myex is getting there? He's been more supportive for sure. Everyone has. I think we've all begun to understand each other better. To see beyond actions to motivations. We all want to be excited for others when they succeed even if we are not succeeding ourselves. I want to be able to share other people's experiences. To take some of the weight off. To amplify the joy. I think we're all getting to that place as we've gotten older. I think Lies might have always been there, and maybe I was too self-absorbed to see it. It's only now that I face the gravity of aging that I feel I am on the precipice of real change. Maybe I'm actually closer to being the person I want to be. I should discuss this with my therapist.

I had a hard day with things being tangible, today. With the idea of safety. I want to find safety in myself somehow. I want to feel secure.

I think if I travel more and run more I might get there. Perhaps I should delete Tinder. I don't really want to introduce another recurring cast member anyway.


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