Does Everyone Do This?

I'm begging for the uncomplicated.

I need it. It's eluded me for so long and I have no idea how to go about finding it. I assumed, I think quite misguidedly, now, that uncomplicated didn't really exist. That is was a fabrication of social media and older generations of authors and content providers. Things never settle into a nice routine. People don't just have large open kitchens, children and pugs without drama at home and work. Everybody argues all the time. Everybody argues on vacation. Couples make their friends uncomfortable. This was reality.

It had to be.

I couldn't be the only one.

Now I would prefer the opposite be true.

I have to be doing this wrong. Something wrong. There has to be a way to get to uncomplicated. There has to be a path to security.

As we previously discussed, and I have discussed many times with my therapist, there is a growing community of people who support the theory of mirroring with children. Which, if you'll recall, is when you teach children appropriate emotional responses by showing them you empathize. If a child is happy then the parent will be happy and show them excitement and how to be excited for others because you care for them. When a child is sad a parent will try to console them. When a child is frightened a parent will try to understand why. With this practice the child learns to mirror the parents' behavior with others. But mirroring doesn't stop with the good practices. When a child is upset and the parent tells them they shouldn't be, they should find the solution because it was their fault- the child learns that. The child learns that people shouldn't be upset because circumstances are not beyond their control, and the child does not need to empathize with them. The child does not need to be compassionate with their partner when they face failure, but merely explain that the failure was obvious and should be corrected. When the child is happy and the parent is indifferent the child learns that is the appropriate response to the happiness of others. If it doesn't involve the child why should she care? Why should it make her happy as well?

So everything from here forward is corrective. Everything is to try to untangle the mess of borderline and sometimes flat out abusive behaviors I tend to present to others. I think this is more important to me than coping strategy. I can more easily live with the days of mild discomfort after slashing at myself.

What I need, I have discovered after losing several friends, is a foundation of positive people to mirror proper emotional responses with. A real solid group of support, so I don't feel so alone, and I think that will reduce my self destructing anyway. Right now I have a group of three and they have so much going on I feel burdensome. I need more people so I can spread out the crazy in smaller portions. So I can speak freely instead of letting my internalized self-hatred bubble over. And I hope this medication kicks in more as it gets bumped up to the higher dosage next week.

Yesterday was a bad day. I snapped at a coworker, got bad news from a bank, got bad news from Myex, took all the months of bad news out on myself and then went for a run, A compulsive run. After the grogginess started to pass I decided I had to move. Half way through I realized that the sweatshirt I was wearing was irritating my cuts and how wholly ridiculous this whole situation had become. The situation being my life, I once again became keenly aware that things needed to change. Perhaps a restructuring. Perhaps someone needed to be called in to mark the inefficiencies in this process of being uncomplicated. All I know is this company isn't functioning well, we're hemorrhaging capital and will be dead in the water in a few months if nothing changes.


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