A Range of Pills

All I want out of life is the time to figure it out. I feel like this is a common desire, and an uncommonly achieved goal.

I was discussing the merits of death with Myex the other day, and it was his opinion that death adds a weight to the events of your life. Similarly to the way a range of emotions helps you to put them in perspective, death makes the moments in your life that much richer. There's only so much time, so one has to use it wisely. I agreed. I, of course, tend to use a lot of my life thinking, and fidgeting, about life. About desire. About what I want, to break it down simply. What does everyone want? I would imagine a lot of it is more time.

More time with the people we love. To do the things we like. To make the money we need to go the places we want to go. To get the things that we think we should have. To reach the goals that look good on a resume. People are constantly strapped for time.

Time to find ourselves.

It's time to find myself.

It's a peculiar concept because it bears the silent, looming, question: how did I get lost?

Did I?

I am also curious about how to begin to trust someone you didn't trust while together. I think it starts with letting go. Which also might be the most effective way to use time. You kind of have to let yourself ride the current. Move with the waters and try to ascertain as quickly as you can where you are relative to the shore you'd like to end on. So that's what I'm doing. I've freed myself to the will of what will be, and decided that there's no reason to be too judgmental about it anyway. A lot of the lack of trust comes with an idea that there is a right and wrong way to go about living, or a relationship. This might not all end the way it does in the best of rom-coms, but it's ok anyway.

The other thing I've been told is that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone. So I have a date tomorrow. That I don't know if I want, but I decided to go along with for the experience. In truth, I've been under a lot of someones so I'm not sure if everything that rhymes can be taken for good advice.

I briefly considered whether a future significant other, or Myex, might think that I am a slut because of the way I've carried on since our break-up. This quickly faded into the certainty that if they did that would be their own terrible problem.

I've been taking my medication now for about 5 weeks. I am almost out, which is bad...but I have been feeling way better on it overall. I'm both incredibly energetic and exhausted, but I am getting a lot done. Obviously, I am writing a lot more. I have been working on some songs, as I think I mentioned. Most importantly, my moods are actually evening out. I feel like a calmer, more reasonable, more person-like, version of myself. I still have moments and reactions that I don't like (for instance I recently went off on Stassney after my attempt to humanize her, and then Myex for not taking better care) but those moments feel excessive a lot faster. That feeling of rage and betrayal melts into understanding a lot quicker. Sympathy takes over and I reconsider that they're only human. I made a lot of the same mistakes. I love Myex, at least, and want his happiness. What I am doing is making neither of us happy...so I should make an effort to restructure my reaction. It's ok to have the feeling, as my therapist says, but it's not ok to take that feeling out on someone else. I don't want to be the one to spread bad feelings.

Not anymore anyway.


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