I've had a lot of cravings lately.

Writing has been one. I have fallen into this sad Sex-in-the-City Carrie-esque pattern of sitting down at my laptop at the end of the day to consider how it went and how I feel.

And fish. I've been craving fish. And running. I've been out walking every day. Catching Pokemon erryday.

Another unfortunate realization in my manic episodes has been that I need to go back and edit a lot of my recent posts. The typose!! The grammar! How could I?!

Anyway, today was therapy day. Obviously we tried to navigate the most recent deal with Myex as well as the possibility that I was using it to distract myself from the fear of my mother dying. And surprisingly she said my feelings were totally natural and not silly! She told me not to shame myself out of feeling both. Considering we were together for 8 years and through the entire time Stassney was trying to wedge herself in she felt it was totally reasonable that I would feel betrayed, sad, angry and disappointed. I told her I felt we both deserved better, but I might always love him, although not in a romantic way anymore. And she said that seemed perfectly fine as well. It was the first time anyone had ever told me the things I think and feel might be okay and it was the best feeling I've ever had. She also said it was fine to express that I did not feel I could keep her tangentially in my life forever, so while I loved him I would still be making moves to distance myself by next January. Although, she stressed that I don't need to tie myself down to a concept of the future right now. Right now it was okay enough to feel what I was feeling and express that. The relief I felt afterwards was amazing. And then I called him and he was with her and that feeling subsided a bit.

I realized a few things: if he were seeing someone completely new I would be really happy and supportive, and I am mostly bothered by being emotionally replaced rather than sexually. I rely on him for so much sometimes it bothers me that he can't do the same. That he went the easy route. But I can't judge too much, I just got a fish sandwich from Wendy's so clearly I am no stranger to the easy route. A quiet, accommodating, convenience has its advantages for sure.

Then there's the deal with my mom. Vassar asked me about it at work today and I almost cried. She agreed that the biggest, most daunting aspect was definitely preparing myself for the idea that she's not going to be there anymore. I'm hoping at the very least she makes it till I graduate, I think anything else will be devastating.


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