Elastic Heart

I hate to lose, but sometimes you have to let things go.

My heart is not quite elastic in that you bounce off, but you keep bouncing within. Still I'll be fine writing songs and other things.

To that end, we're finally gaining traction with the web series. I've got an idea for the first few scenes. I just need to find a way to connect them and draw everything out for like 5 minutes. Some day you'll feel distant. My heart will break, the elasticity that keeps forgiving you will wear down and you'll be free. I'll be free.

I'll choose me, because someone has to sometime.

I listen to way too many love songs in general. I write too many hate songs in general. Everything is about creating distance between the desire of the weak. *week.

In positive things: I set up my second return to UT on Wednesday. A few bits of paperwork and I will have a much better GPA- a GPA I can work with to Law School. And to reaffirming my worth. I know I shouldn't think of life as a competition, but it's kind of ingrained.  So far my saving grace has been that I haven't gotten pregnant or addicted to drugs, I've just recreationally enjoyed tons of them without effect. On account of my broken brain. A slight numbing and then it passes. Although, to be fair, I haven't done heroin...maybe that would have been the one.

I shan't. Elliott Smith and Kurt Cobain taught me at a young age that heroin is what you do when you want to die. Violently, by a significant other, covered up as self-inflicted.

Dancing is my drug now. And I am going to learn to harness it better in the next few weeks. Tehya and I are going to do a workshop at Ballet Austin for Bad and Boujee.  They do music video work shops and I hope to learn a few neat tricks for the clubs. The club is my drug. The club is where I do my drugs. My bright lights and fast music drugs.

I'm taking the first few steps to truly separate from Myex. It's been quite a journey- a long and drawn out ordeal. Mostly of my making, I admit. I have made it a much more arduous process than was necessary. I probably could have walked away with the good memories cold-turkey. I let myself give in to nostalgia too many times, but I think it's time to admit that even if he doesn't pick Stassney permanently, he's picked her enough. She doesn't have much going for her, and that's enough to measure my relative worth in his eyes. So I will have to back away if I can't get to a point of forgiveness, and that won't happen as long as she's still around. I can't keep comparing myself to a barista.

That in itself wouldn't be terrible, baristas are needed, but we can't all be obsessed with a guy that's only now growing into his ambition. I have had my ambition that I put on hold. I put my art on hold. I invested my whole heart as much as I could to this, and, I'll confess, that was not enough. I didn't know how to love. I didn't know how to support. I knew a desire to win as greedily as possible. The kindest thing I can probably do at this point is accept that she makes him happy for some reason, in ways I couldn't. And that I deserve to be happy too, in ways he can't make me as a friend while with her.

Sometimes a love story ends tragically, but in that case the ending probably wasn't the point. Unless it's death. Then you've got a BS Romeo and Juliet thing that you probably should have seen coming and tried to avoid.

So, I sold two paintings. I am working on three songs. One webseries. Finishing school, climbing the corporate ladder, and reaching for law school. I know the greater sum of my worth and I'll just have to keep going.

True love and acceptance are no longer my primary goals. At least not from the outside.


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