Ridiculous Child

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I don't want to live my life arguing over people and objects.

I don't want to live my life arguing.

I guess that's easier to say on the other side of throwing away or consuming most of Stassney's stuff. In a lot of ways it's not, though.

I could always find something else. I could always be looking for something else. There's infinite potential to argue. There's a thousand things a day to be angry about, if not more. Just for me. What do I want to choose?

Arguing is a choice.

For a very long time it did not feel that way. Even now, I'm sure it's still compulsory. I know it is a choice. In my head. I know I don't have to participate. In this one section of my brain that knows things when I am calm, I know I don't have to fight.

That same part of my head knows that happiness can be a choice, too. Settle. Be humble. Sit down. Make your choice.

For a very long time I believed that I shouldn't allow myself to be slighted. I shouldn't let myself be made to feel less. Or to be overlooked. Or to be undervalued.

And that's all true. But I don't know if that means a fight anymore. I think I could control a lot of that internally? Or at least I can control who is around me and in my life? It doesn't have to be constant battles. It could be a conversation. It could be a simple "no". It could be an exit and a block.

I am beginning to think I'm making my life much too hard. Sure, there are hardships. There are things to work through and overcome. Things will always have some difficulty, but I guess I don't think it needs to be so hard anymore. Like, let's run on easy level difficulty for a while.

All that said, I just finished my finals, so who knows how what I'll believe when that feeling wears off.

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