Problematic

The air is crisp. Unexpectedly crisp as we edge toward summer in Texas. The cool breeze feels like it should carry the scent of death and cinnamon. Apples and cinnamon. I can feel the heat of the sun trying to break through, to reveal the true nature of the season, but for now the cool trail of a storm lingers. I missed the rain but I can see the puddles. This is kind of a good metaphor for my life right now. I missed the rain, but I can see the puddles, and I can feel the cool, soothing aftermath. This is the type of weather that should be around when we're reunited. It's the kind of weather I love. I can see the storms on the horizon, begging to come back and over-take the new brilliance of the day, and I hope the winds are strong enough to push them back. I want to walk freely. I think I might want to run later if I don't get too drunk this morning. The morning is for art and spirits. Liqueurs. I have three paintings to finish. I saw my psychiatrist on Friday s...

I don't know why I just signed up for OkCupid. I mean I do know why. I'm about to take the long break from Myex and I kind of want to try to eliminate him from my heart completely. Apparently, there's a lot of baggage. I might only want him because I don't like to lose. I might be a crazy person. I don't want to do this. I don't even want to date him right now, but I feel like I need to kill the deep desire I have to be with him again after law school. Or undergrad. Whenever I have more time and energy. Whenever I feel like a better person. I'm terrible with his daughter, though. I burned that bridge when she was little because her dad and I fought often and I took it out on everything and everyone. I feel terrible about it. I became my mother. Withholding because I hated my life in general. I never wanted to be that way. I wonder now if my mother is bi-polar as well. I wonder about a lot of people being secretly bi-polar now that I'm finally on medi...

I think I'm way too into teenage comedies. Some Girls was a delightful little coming-of-age story. The casting was fairly diverse, and the story centers on a black girl, which, traditionally doesn't happen in America unless the whole show is about being black. Or it's a Shonda Rhimes drama. If I had to find a reason for my love of coming-of-age stories it's probably that I feel, sadly, I am still in the middle of mine. It's so fantastical to see people figuring their lives out. Becoming adults. Learning to be prepared and to roll with the punches. Life is always taking jabs, and it lands a few blows at first, but by the end of the series the lead always knows they'll be okay. Things always look bright and hopeful. So here I am, practically a pharmacy with my pills pills pills [mood stabilizer, anxiety reducer, anti-psychotic and high cholesterol (because I eat fucking terribly)] and running around for years with a slight tremor, just waiting to fall apart. ...

This won't be that interesting. They probably never are. I decided against applying to IRGS and switched to Latin American Studies. It's pretty prestigious at UT so it still gives me what I want and has some relation to immigration. Seeing as I want to go into immigration law, I feel like that's pretty useful. Since I decided not to apply, though, I have an unused application essay. So I'm sharing that here, because it's sad to have writing go unread: My mother became an American, at first, by bus. She had been in the United States to work before, but had gone back home, as so many immigrants do, to resume her life. Finding that life unsatisfying, she steeled herself to the thought of a new one in the foreign land she’d been working in. The people she met there had been kind. They helped her in school and took her to church. In Mexico she recognized no opportunities were available for someone from her background. There was no one kind and able to lift her up...

I'm applying for a new major. International Relations and Global Studies- because I think it will help with my goal of going into immigration law. Myex's daughter calls me Castle, and I have always enjoyed it but it has a new metaphorical flair. I feel like a castle, at one point important and well guarded, only to fall into ruin. Now through the nature of my being, and falling into disrepair, the paths around me are treacherous. There's no safe way to get close, but I long for someone to take me up as a historical site and restore things. I guess that's what I'm trying to do now. I've stumbled upon something that seemed to be forgotten and I'm trying to bring it back, not to it's former glory, I'll never be 16 again, but to something presentable. Something with character that other people might enjoy being around. I'm starting to think this new era might not have a hand with old management. I don't think I can deal with Cancer Mom anymor...

I've gotten a lot better at making pasta. I use a timer now! It's kind of ridiculous and amazing how easy things become with the right tools. It's ridiculously amazing. My mom is having her surgery on May 4th. I better not get any fucking Star Wars jokes. Surprisingly, she's getting reconstructive surgery, too. I was not expecting her to do so, I sort of assumed she'd have no reason to. There's a part of me that worries this means my parents are still sexually active. There's another part of me that thinks it's probably just my mother's vanity. I think she has very specific ideas of who she is and as a woman that is a woman with two breasts. Maybe I'm wrong? I'm okay with that being the reason, though. I'm honestly okay with any reason. Bodily autonomy is super important. My cat has begun throwing herself against the window sometimes. I suppose she sees something outside, but it's also possible she is losing her mind insid...

This morning I am watching Election - which I am not sure I entirely understand. Or, rather, I am not sure I have found a way to relate to any of the characters. All their complications seem hokey and manufactured in the same way the drama of American novels set in small towns feel. My own drama isn't much better, and there's definitely been a lot of it in the last few days. My saving markers as a character, I think, are the fairly modern struggles, or modernly recognized struggles: mental illness, a late start to school, social media's meddling in relationships, the drive to be a jack-of-all-trades artisan, listicles... I made a really strange breakfast for myself this morning of grits and tuna in sriracha and peanut sauce. Perhaps this is coloring my perception of the film. And the fact that try as he might Matthew Broderick will never escape being Ferris Bueller. Never. I won't let him. I can't move on and neither shall he. Without any context I was told in...

Harlots  is my newest infatuation. Jessica Brown Findlay was never my favorite Crawley sister (that was Mary, of course, though I also began to feel for Edith by the end) but she is amazing in this show. Powdered up like a sex-mime she smolders through every scene. Jutting out her chin she commands the men in her life with the gravity of her personality and sexuality. She's everything I want to be- insanely large wig, period clothes and all. We're all harlots. I spent a good part of the last week and a half unintentionally leading a guy on. Sexting like crazy only to be unable to pull the trigger. It seems I am not ready to interact with other men in person just yet. So I have random boys texting me and because I don't save their numbers I never respond after the initial exchange. I'm a wretched soul. But! I seem to be getting better at masturbating. I think I might have the female equivalent of premature ejaculation, but at least I'm exploring my own sexuality?...

I'm an April fool. And an always fool, probably. There's that moment, sometimes, when a friend has left your apartment, and you realize, to your utter dismay, that you left a sex toy out in the bathroom. And their boyfriend used your bathroom. As a rule I try to pretend I'm asexual around my friend's boyfriends. As a fact I am often not interested either way. So this has shattered a visage I wasn't prepared to throw away. I've been thinking a lot about what constitutes a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship lately. I think it starts with hanging out every day. Then there's often a sexual aspect. Sharing interests. Meeting parents. Meeting friends. Sharing friends. Celebrating holidays together. I think couples costumes are a pretty big indicator that you're dating. Sleeping over. And then if it's serious you get to keep things at the other person's home and get a key. Someone only allows you to share their space when they're not in it if...

I'm all better! I've figured everything out! We did it, you guys. -end scene-