Problematic

Our heroine will be reverting back to the position she was in at the start of the series. This will most likely be a huge annoyance for viewers but our producers assure us that this move, while drastic, is entirely necessary. It seems that up until now she had not really made any progress as a person and this probably explains the annual purge of viewers since the show's conception. The staff writers apologize for the amount of time that has been wasted on various ideas of where we wanted her to end up that have been completely fruitless. Long story short- I'm going to be alone. I came to Austin to go to college, with the understanding that I would marry the person I was obsessed with at the time, trying to make friends and forced to work because I couldn't get enough financial aid. This first season ended with a big break-up in which we were not able to continue being friends (the cheating was somewhat telegraphed but at the time I felt it was better to play the part...

It's been two months since I started my newest job, the fall semester is over and Christmas is less than a week away now. This morning I woke up much earlier than I am used to (7:30am), read my newest obsession ( Gangsta. ), had a light breakfast of eggs and a burnt cinnamon roll, and went for the world's smallest jog. I feel somewhat accomplished for the day. Having completed so much already I decided it was time to pull the trigger and finish up some blog posts- this I started somewhere around Thanksgiving: It has been a month since I started my newest job. Frankly, I love it. It's the best environment I have ever been in (even if the benefits aren't that great.) It's strange being so satisfied at work. It's taken a lot of my normal anxiety away, which makes it super weird that I've developed a habit of pulling out my own hair, but maybe now that I have no reasonable anxiety I've graduated into a super-anxiety an unconscious, deep-rooted anxiety ...

So let me tell you a little bit about my problem with feminism. I feel like I should throw this out there just to get the eye-rolling out of the way and as a qualifier for the rest of my post- I do not identify as a feminist. I don't know if I have addressed this earlier in the blog but I have a hard time identifying with anything. I think it's kind of a weird archaic idea to ask people to pick these things they believe they are and should behave as and use those identifiers to pigeon-hole them. I do believe in equality but I am really more of a misandrist, if you forced me to pick a concept, because my favorite way to pick up guys is through insulting them. Negging works and it's terrible and humanity should do better (I should do better) but I probably won't stop because it's fun and efficient. It also sets a good precedent for the relationship because they can never say I ever pretended that I am not intentionally off-putting and prone to cutting into people. S...

I was recently tasked with talking about things I like for five posts. I really thought I typically talked about things I like, but I try not to read back through this stuff after posting it, so I really don't know. Never go back, kids, any backward momentum is death. I had also been considering for some time that I think the best/worst thing about being "clinically depressed" is that I feel like an over-all happy and well adjusted human being in the moments I'm not curled in a ball sobbing and pulling out my hair. It's fun. Life is good. This will all be immensely entertaining on film, I'm sure. But anyway, back to the main topic. My roommate/current-boyfriend/only subscriber has taken to giving me notes after he sees that I have written something new. They are typically along the lines of "why are you doing so many things that you dislike?" which kind of overlooks the idea that writing is one of the things I enjoy the most, but I've let tha...

I have started watching Crazy Ex-Girlfriend . I am currently watching it, actually, and I am torn. My impulse is to hate it, but my impulse was also to hate Selfie  and that turned out to be a wonderful show. I feel like this show might suffer from the same problem of having just a terrible title. For reference, this happened on Selfie  and it was beautiful: If you weren't moved by that performance on it's own you have no heart. If you watched the show you'll immediately remember the journey that brought Eliza to this point- the show was actually kind of empowering. Karen Gillan and John Cho did a great job of building up their relationship and the script allowed them to shape each other rather than have Henry (Cho) steamroll her personality into a functioning human-being. I'm going to have to buy the series at some point- note to self. The finale was perfect because Eliza (Gillan) finally realized what she wanted in life and was able to overcome some huge crazy-gi...

Are you happy? I feel as though I am being packed away. There is a growing sense of separation. It is becoming tangible, like a curtain, like several curtains that I was faintly aware always existed but felt could not hold us apart. Now I understand I have been clawing at something that was never within my reach. I should stop attempting to be so needlessly poetic. Am I hurting others? Probably. Am I hurting myself? Assuredly. Do I know how to stop? No. All I understand is this box and the perception of a widening distance. Would widening even be the correct term? This must be my own doing. Though it might be reactionary the way that I react is optional. I'm happy. My best friends have an affinity for dressing like David Bowie. It is almost Halloween time and I am incredibly excited about going costume shopping. I have so many great ideas, but the one I am planning for is Myrtle Snow because Frances Conroy totally killed it ( literally ). I also want to go as Imperator Fu...

Now is the time!! I have watched all the new fall premieres (not including CBS, because fuck them) so you don't have to! (Unless you want to watch something on CBS, in which case you're not really my demographic anyway.) Minority Report- Following the success of the winning combination of "attractive black female teaming up with awkward white guy" that has carried Sleepy Hallow through two seasons, Fox brings you Minority Report ! Milo Ventimiglia adds some cheeky, if perhaps over-confident, charm to the cast and the show would be better served by using him more. It's not a terrible show, but I suspect it will be hard to keep afloat. Stark Sands isn't compelling enough as a tortured do-gooder to maintain interest in what motivates him. His bumbling is pretty annoying, too. Meagan Good toes the line between star and prop as her body (which is kept impressively tight) is pretty predominantly featured. The show is incredibly visually appealing, though it migh...

It's finally the weekend!! Alas, my exhaustion never rests. Every day is some form of work. Chores are a terrible mire in my existence that I try to avoid but am condemned to wade into eventually. I haven't shaved my legs in about a week and I have no clean leggings to hide my shame in. I am not quite sure what clothes are clean, to be honest. My morning has been filled with resentment toward the artists I know that are not as constantly unkempt and disheveled as I. As I. I try to excuse myself with reminders that I work and go to school full time, but I know there are human beings that manage to maintain their illusion of being responsible adults while juggling these activities. I should start working out as well. I am beginning to feel more myself on the inside than on the outside. It is a small relief to be feeling more myself at all, I suppose. But I need to work out. My only concern is that I have built up so much momentum and any small goal I add could be the thing that...

Tonight I was spurned to a terrible thing- community building. I am well outside of my comfort zone. This has been a rough month in keeping up with this blog, I'm sorry. I need to even out my schedule. I should be writing every day. I have honestly been writing quite often but a lot of it has been papers that are not exceedingly interesting (though I have been getting decent marks on them.) Outside of this I am planning to begin my reviews of fall premieres but there are a few more that I need to catch up on over the weekend. My last small project is this odd "drawing a day" thing I found on Facebook that I want to keep up with. Oh, and I have begun studying French and Spanish again. Soon my brain will implode. Speaking of, I made the mistake of speaking to my mother the other day and was met with some questions that are becoming somewhat common. People have taken to asking me how I am going to deal with being alone. Another fun conversation has been: why? Why are y...

Writing, I have been told (and am taking a refresher on in Comp II), is influenced by the desire to capture universal experiences. I spend a lot of time wishing I had the data on how many people are feeling the same thing I am. There is a great distance between myself and my past. Self-imposed seclusion from the majority of people I have history with. The common idea would be that it has formed a sort of scar on my psyche- I carry it with me, deeply ingrained in who I am, though I try to pretend it doesn't exist. Sometimes I look at it and it hurts. Sometimes I see the people who were there when it formed and it hurts. I wonder if they have scars in the same place. ------------------------------------------------ I have been working on this post for three weeks. It's been easier to think of other things to comment on, but I wanted to describe Houston a little bit from my point of view. I just wanted to be descriptive; I think I make a lot of opinion statements. ----------...

I have come to an interesting revelation. In English class we discussed "The Star" by Arthur C. Clarke, which is essentially a story regarding our relation to God. When I initially read the story I thought that the ending indicated some bizarre crossing of time and space in which the star that the company traveled to had been our Sun. I was terribly disappointed to find this was not the case. I don't know which is the better twist- just being the star of Bethlehem or the star of Bethlehem having been the destruction of some future selves. Perhaps my initial misunderstanding is too conventional at this point. I guess I wouldn't really care about some random civilization dying- nor really our own civilization dying. I assume people are as selfish as I am and would not be moved by this loss either. If we were capable of that scope of empathy I think it would be easier to get people to resolve problems on Earth. Not that there aren't people trying, but it's hard t...

To continue the theme of Sufjan Stevens lyrics as titles. I have reconsidered the title of the sitcom and how it will run- but perhaps not to anyone's advantage. The new title I think will be "Derailed" Is that too close to Trainwrecked? I was thinking things over last night and realized there have probably been plenty of moments I would take back. One relationship in particular I would nullify for how completely it threw me off of my path. My life is basically Hindsight except there's far less white affluence involved. And attractive British people. I also hate the 90s. I am currently sitting in a McDonalds waiting for my car to be serviced. My hands still smell like goat cheese from the quiche I made yesterday. I have washed them several times. The smell of the McDonalds is a hard one to put into words without coming off as bourgeois. And possibly racist. It's inside of a Walmart and is primarily occupied by Hispanic people, myself included. It's loud i...

I came up with a topical joke today: Congratulations to Kylie Jenner on turning 18! Now your relationship with 25-year-old Tyga doesn't seem as creepy! (The joke is that it's still creepy because this isn't the Middle Ages and child brides are generally considered a human rights violation.) I also thought of a small scene for like the intro to season 2 or 3 of Problematic should it ever actually become a thing: "The Girls" are in a car, chatting, and the scene is basically a Transporter style car-driving scene but it's clear that the girl driving isn't actually a good driver- she just happens to be getting away with near misses of potentially horrific accidents. At the end of that 45 seconds of whatever where the passenger is aware of danger of her friend driving and is becoming increasingly agitated, though they are still talking, the driver parks, or thinks she parks, and the car slides into, like, a bike rack or something as they step out of it. It wa...

I have been technically unemployed for 3 days. I have done absolutely nothing. Some writing. Mostly watching. I still miss Penny Dreadful , I ran through that way too fast. Right now I am considering how to allow myself to be "goofy." Comedians are kind of goofy and I take myself way too seriously to be truly outrageous. Goofy just wasn't a big draw growing up. Nor was being opinionated. And it's really hard living alone so I kind of stifled both urges- although I guess the people I really enjoy being around are the people I feel I can be closest to myself with. Still there's always some kind of filter- I try to play to the crowd. I have realized as an artist I heavily rely on others wanting to be a part of my world. If I can't convince a large group of people that I am worth taking interest in I will never be successful. I have gone out of my way to avoid feeling at the mercy of society for so long but I now see that isn't feasible unless I repress my...

I envy people with focus. I was reading recently about innovation and how Einstein considered creativity to be like juggling concepts and true unique thought occurred when two balls that were of the greatest distance collided. I like this imagery- I like the idea of sparks in the collision. I fear that none of my balls ever touch each other. (Insert ultra-juvenile joke about balls touching.) But honestly, the more original voices I find the less my own voice sounds original. Perhaps it is rose tinted perception- we're all equally original. Everyone is interesting and worth a story even in their own mundane way. However, I'd be happier if I felt not as particularly mundane. I also like the idea of thoughts as juggling balls because it would explain my resistance to completing things. The juggling never stops. It's tiring. A break when two balls hit would be a welcome change of pace. Better than to keep the eye constantly spinning as it tracks the balls. I wish balls were...

I like to imagine this is just a terribly one-sided conversation. I'm kind of a selfish friend, so it works out pretty well. I like to think if you read this regularly we're just kind of coming together to hangout. Sometimes we may be drinking coffee, sometimes we may be drinking wine, who knows- the beverage options are endless! We chat for three to five minutes about things that range from John Oliver to the inane and then I disappear from your life for days to weeks at a time. POOF! My other desire, I have just now recognized, is for this blog to be one of the top search results when someone looks for John Oliver. And then the restraining order comes. I have pulled my GPA up in two semesters from a 1.7 to a 3.0. My youth was spent in self-medicated tears, so the 3.0 is a more accurate indicator of my capabilities. I'm a B as a person. Not particularly exceptional, but better than passing. I guess the 1.7 was pretty accurate too, I have been a mess. I'm just...

I will have to invest some time in properly formatting this blog at some point. I have no idea what I want it to look like, but on a whim I decided to go back through the templates today. I discovered this rainy one that I felt was absolutely perfect. How dreary! Cloudy, sad, little blog. I also wanted to share my Spotify profile- for no real reason other than I have been sinking into a nostalgic melancholy of sound and I want you to be able to fall into the whine-based music of the mid-2000's with me. It's all The Decemberists, Interpol and The Killers around here. The Killers is probably the thing that most pains me to acknowledge of my former musical taste. This is particularly insulting to The Killers because I also hold a special place in my very twee heart for The Postal Service. Somehow the bizarre Mormon sound is still more shameful. Anyway, I wanted to share my Spotify profile, but I could not figure it out. I am blind to the correct use of Blogger. It is probably ...

I am running out of ideas. Yet, I have been thinking quite a bit. I keep forgetting to write to you. I have three bananas on my living room table that are about to expire. This is torturous because I was recently scolded by John Oliver for my lack of consideration when it comes to food: Not personally, of course. John Oliver does not know me like that and I think he'd be quite disturbed at being the focus of so many of my blog posts if he did. I was just as horrified to be called out by an HBO show on something I have so often considered a problem but continue to do.  There were seven bananas but I found purpose for four of them by making two smoothies yesterday. I realized I had some chocolate almond milk and nutella and everything finally started to make sense in my surroundings. I am not exaggerating, the moment was genuinely euphoric and I continue to bathe in the light of such kismet.  Other than that I have been drawing with a bit more frequency. I have g...

I have been having very vivid dreams. My art class has actually been more interesting than pretentious as well. Did you know that there are people knitting reef formations? AND there's someone making sculpture for reefs to grow off of:  http://scribol.com/art-and-design/an-interview-with-underwater-sculptor-jason-decaires-taylor Here's another essay- I promise to give you original information soon. Kerry James Marshall Many Mansions “When I talk to other artists I’m interested in hearing how they read their subjectivity and how it drives and motivates what they do,” says Marshall. “We [all] come from different positions at different times and we mean to make work for different purposes.” Kerry James Marshall is a black artist who produces black art. He is also an artist that appreciates art and highly reveres his predecessors. This is clearly visible in his work Many Mansions which draws from classical composition as a way of highlighting what has been missing from thos...

I have been very busy, I had some thoughts earlier today- I hate seeing homeless people smile. Do they know the secrets to happiness?! Why are you smiling when you're out on the streets? I imagine conventional theory would be that they are masking their troubles. I can accept this. The idea that they have found inner peace, however, is grating. Here is a paper on Louise Bourgeois while I consider turning my back on society: Louise Bourgeois Helping Hands Life is very tactile. People “feel” things. In Helping Hands, the sculpture Memorial to Jane Adams, Louise Bourgeois shows us how hands are capable of feeling in different ways. She shows us that hands connect and brings us into her perspective of human connection. In her work she bares herself. Her work reflects her identity and how her identity was formed by her interactions with others. The most intriguing part of the work for me is the complete and deliberate absence of connection to Jane Adams. Louise says she is “a h...

I have never understood the title of that album, but I do really enjoy Beck. He seems like a nice guy. I am entirely too excited by having ten views on a post. Entirely too excited. I imagine one of my loved ones is just clicking it over and over again. I'm also pretty excited that my Twitter account has followers with little check marks next to them. It's an all around great period for my social media-ing. Mostly because I have low expectations. I am aware social media is unlikely to get me the career breaks I want. I am not sure how to get those beyond some kind of "networking," but I'll figure it out. It feels like right now is a turning point. In my recent bout of "OMG WHY?!" I took some head-space to look for a bigger sense of purpose. COMEDY! no longer seemed like a good answer, though absurdism and sarcasm will remain my primary forms of communication, so I have settled on "positive change." It's something that has been build...

I have been so wrapped up in trying to find a new job and other silly things I completely missed a deadline. I'm devastated. My soul collapsed upon itself when I realized how far behind in reading I am. Class was kind of the one thing going well. Here is the essay I threw together today that will probably not be accepted: Maya Lin Disappearing Bodies of Water Rosa Parks Circle People do not normally tie landscapes to their identity. The world is so vast that it is so easy to ignore; there is so much detail that it can seem impossible to take it all in. Maya Lin attempts to do this through her sculpture and monuments. Through the duality of taking the overwhelming scope of the world and giving focus to particular formations she ties not just her identity, as a child of immigrants growing up amongst rolling hills, but the Earth’s identity in with our identity as people who occupy this space. She explores the water formations that are diminishing around the globe and...

Today I was reminded of the awesomeness of this moment: I will miss you forever, Parks and Rec.  In my recent collapse of personal infrastructure (boyfriend, school, work, diet) I have not been able to address the devastation I experienced at reading that Hannibal has finally been cancelled. To be fair, it is amazing that they got 3 seasons. The show should not have survived this long on network television. I will discuss this at length when I can fully process how much I will miss it. Right now I am still holding out hope that it gets picked up by Netflix or Hulu or something (a la The Mindy Project and Community.) In other news it has been a historic day! Gay marriage was enforced across America. Gay weddings for everybody!! Consider the YouTube video as linked in celebration. My only disappointment in this is that I did not hear of any spontaneous parading around Austin that I could join in, and I work all day tomorrow so I couldn't celebrate in Houston. I never ge...

I got another A "paper."  I have a hard time determining when people's praise should be valid. Is this exciting because it really is an interesting take on things or do you just have a very shallow pool of competency to draw from? I assume most people who compliment me do so because their expectations are set pretty low. Here's my paper. It's a How-To. It's pretty juvenile. Judge away. Live Like an Artist (The Definitive Guide to Alienation In Your Early Twenties) If you have ever had the deep rooted desire to isolate yourself from friends and family you may need to seek counseling. In the event that counseling does not work, or you refuse to go, and are unsure of how to encourage detachment by your loved ones, I can help you with that.   Part One: Getting Attached Creating a cult of personality can be hard. I have found that it is easier to do when you are young. Other children are desperately looking to fit in and form bonds, which make...

Anxiety and suicidal thoughts are not a good combination. I mentioned, among other things, in my last post that I have been thinking about suicide a lot. And this is not new. Suicide was the topic of my writing class yesterday and I found myself very annoyed by the questions posited by my classmates. I didn't admit I am suicidal. There's a lot of stigma to being suicidal and just saying you are suicidal makes it seem like you just want attention. So I will admit to that now: I definitely want attention. I also detest the idea of attention. I am bothered by the notion that I am not hit on in public spaces like some of my friends- but I am very aware that I put off an unapproachable vibe. I do not want to be approached. I don't. But I do. I don't think this is anxiety. There are a lot of things that carry a stigma. I try to admit these parts of myself here because it's very public but still somewhat anonymous. I assume the majority of the people I know will neve...