Problematic

 I'm watching a Korean drama about a man who has been living a lie and I feel like I'm drowning. The depths of my lack in direction and success are boundless. I'm almost certain I'm headed toward a point where only two people and four cats truly want to be around me. Even then I'm sure two of the cats could take it or leave it.  I buy imaginary things and crave boba tea constantly. Pretending small indulgences don't add up seems to be the only way I know how to survive and it's sure to kill me eventually.  I've been 35 for two months and a college graduate for two years. I have this elevator pitch about it. I talk all the time about not having the guidance to navigate higher education and how much it made me value educational equity. I'm always mentioning how my parents didn't teach me Spanish because they didn't want me to be discriminated against. Now I mention community building and community meetings every chance I get. Everyone at work i...

I think I might finally be at the point in my life where I am ready to be loved. It's also one of the points I have felt most isolated. I have felt so inauthentic. I'm no longer prepared to be honest. I have so little to lose at this point in my life, but everything feels so much more shameful. Everything seems to have so much more weight as I'm aging. I'm going to be an age soon I previously couldn't imagine wanting to live to see. And I've accomplished none of the fantastical things I thought would make dying a young artist romantic. I don't even make art anymore. Motivation is a rare find. In many ways I'm losing my voice. I haven't been able to sing because I have spent so much of the last few years throwing up and letting allergies close my throat. Finding notes is a struggle. I'm not sure what the point would be to finding a vocal coach besides my own happiness. Happiness is such a foreign concept I can't entertain it as a real reason t...

 I went to therapy recently. Friday, specifically. I also bleached and dyed my hair. That happened earlier. I feel like that was more impactful on my declining mental health. It did take a few tries though. I went through a couple of cycles of bad dye before landing on Manic Panic, which I had never tried before. It bleeds out every time I shower, but the color still seems pretty bright and closer to what I was envisioning. Anyway, my girl group has broken up. I think? Kind of. For all practical purposes at least, at the moment. I don't think it can be narrowed down to any one moment. It doesn't seem to be anyone's fault. It seems over the course of the pandemic we found ourselves in very different places in life. A few friends lost really important people lately. It was hard enough to get everyone together before, but there doesn't seem to be a lot of room for scheduling around grief and tragedy. We all have very different habits now. It felt very rare we were all up t...

I both am and in a nightmare. I both am and am in a nightmare. I am in, and am, a nightmare. I'm in a nightmare. I am a nightmare of a person. I am not sure how best to capture the sentiment. I'll be brief about it. The last few months have been a slow spiral in the wake of my best friends experiencing personal misfortunes on a larger scale. I probably haven't been accurately expressing how volatile I feel because I don't think there's space for it in anyone's life. There's no space for it in my life. It feels like there's a higher unspoken level of strain everyone has been under that's causing us all to snap, but quietly repair ourselves mostly off-screen, then reenter the scene because there doesn't seem to be anything else to do. No one's been allowed a break. I feel like a lot of my feelings are secondhand anyway. I probably need respite the least. Luckily, there doesn't seem to be any to snatch up, so I'm not being greedy about i...

 It's been a week. But when was the last time it wasn't a week? Obviously by that I mean when was the last time I didn't spend the work day grinding my teeth and wondering what is the point if there's always a life-changing disaster looming? Years are days and days are years of frantic dread. And anger. Blood boiling anger. I want to boil my enemies in pools of their own blood. Starting small: how are companies still asking for 3-5+ years of experience for every fucking position? Can we not all get over ourselves, please? Everyone knows their office is 50% people who are completely incompetent, and if you don't think so it's probably because you're one of those 50% No shade. People who are not good at things deserve to survive. And a lot of them are. A lot of really stupid unqualified white men are thriving. So let's just chill out with our fucking skills and experience required sections, can we? It's also already way too fucking hot and I'm alre...

 Thoughts from yesterday: I guess these are always thoughts. I inherited the worst traits of both my parents. My mother told me this often. I think I probably inherited more of her bad traits, but that's probably because I know very little about my father as a person. I don't know a lot of people that know a lot about their fathers as people, and the people that do seem to regret knowing them. The breakdown was this: my mother's bad skin, she was prone to breakouts, my father's thick black hair, that included body hair, and their general incompatibility with joy. I've probably mentioned a lot of this before. I think I definitely mentioned that I assume, if I am bipolar, that I got that from my mom who I most certainly believe is bipolar. It is also possible that I inherited her skepticism toward accepting I am mentally ill. I think I eventually inherited their fear and tendency to cut themselves off from the world. But there are things that I acquired that were less...

 We live in the soft glow of a failed experiment. A little spiral tree of lights that was meant for the lawn. A lot of life in a house you care about seems to be not knowing what to do. There are half painted walls from the moments shortly after we moved in while I had motivational anxiety. Humming with ideas. Hoping to escape and make a place feel like it was a place for me. We have succeeded in making it a place for The Kitten. She has soft places to sit and watch us, to catch sunbeams for a lightly toasted Kitten, look out at a world that it seems impossible to be a part of. Same. I also feel I've picked up her habit of rotating interests. There's only so many things that are comfortable, soft, and safe I seek with regularity. It's not quite a routine. It's slipping into a modest interest. In the window as things go by I have the impulse to bark. I stare with curiosity and hope the intensity of my envy is concealed by my computer monitor. The idea of expanding my wor...