Problematic

Continuing back through the archives of incomplete and unposted musings: December 2018 - ft some add-ons from 2022 So, Ryan informed me when this song dropped, and initially I was very skeptical. We have very different relationships with our exes. I am on the Cardi B-Beyonce-Rihanna end of the spectrum where I'm taking money, tossing out clothes, and thinking "let me catch you unaware, I will burn your shit down." She's a better person than I am. There's like 4 places you can go with a break-up song: " Irreplaceable "- in which you're pushing someone out of your life and cataloging how they got you twisted. I feel like "Take a Bow" kind of fits with it, and " Be Careful " takes it to the Kill-Bill-vengeance level of rage. I've done Irreplaceable, but have since sunk into the thinly veiled threats of someone who has been getting gas-lit for years. " IDGAF / Sorry Not Sorry "- is the level that I want to get to. ...

February 2020: Sometimes we fall asleep holding hands. Like otters. It's disgusting. Like otters. I hear they smell kind of gross. There's no worry that we would drift away from each other. There's no worry of that at all now that my medications have kicked in properly. This is the playlist I have made because I am a sad sad person living in the past: 1. Glasgow   2. Between the Bars    3. Sea of Love    4. Mystery of Love    5. Maps    6. Let's Dance to Joy Division    7. I Won't Let You Down    8. With My Whole Heart  9. Garden Grays   10. Everything Reminds Me of Her The order feels important. I have been listening to Garden Grays on repeat for a week or so. I found it on my second run through of, and Collin's first encounter with, You're The Worst. I couldn't recommend the show enough. I couldn't recommend this relationship enough. The order matters. But the individual parts are lovely and fun.

I have a lot. I have none. I have traded in Hannibal for Housewives. I don't know how I should feel about this. The tone of my mindless comfort has taken a drastic change. Instead of simmering drama and darkly lit scenes, my vision is overwhelmed with tacky prints, glasses thrown and broken, and near constant screaming. I don't think I've heard so many women called prostitutes since I stopped watching Law and Order SVU. I can't say I don't appreciate what would normally be an intolerable and socially unacceptable amount of sequins that are worn at all the parties. And there are SO. MANY. PARTIES. I read this article once about the appeal of Housewives being that Americans worship wealth and excess as signals that someone is successful and, obviously, superior to those with less. Housewives shows us that those people are often as terrible and annoying as the people we know, hopefully more annoying than most people you know, and money just means the weaves getting pul...

I'm making myself do this. I make myself do a lot of things now. It feels like more than before, but maybe it's not. It feels like a lot of people are making themselves do more these days while other people adamantly avoid doing the bare minimum. I do way too much laundry for someone that no longer regularly leaves the house. ****************************** The road to Houston from Austin is a bumpy one. It has texture. It winds. It's more familiar to me than my own face. It has that familiarity of something you encounter frequently, but not enough to intensely scrutinize (as I have begun to with my unfamiliar face). As with much of my life, it's a path I take less recklessly now. There was a time I had less control over it. The bus days. Those were periods when my heart ached to be going on a trip that is now often one of resignation and dread. When I gained agency I weaved through cars as fast and effortlessly as I could, so somewhere around 85-90, sure I would be awar...

Today I read this article  that wants to convince Austinites to flee to Houston in a message that completely lacks any self-awareness. The writer wants the middle-class mostly white residents of Austin to perpetuate the problem they are facing in a bigger more diverse city by following suit of the middle-class mostly white Californians fleeing rising housing costs in Silicon Valley. Houston is the 4th largest city in the U.S. and as of April 2021 was considered the most diverse city in the country, it should not require any cajoling to move there, but please don't. Houston is already facing the same issues of gentrification that Austin faces from people moving from out of state, it does not need any more help from people who feel they are having to settle. From the moment I moved to Austin for college 15 years ago I have had to hear about how it is the superior city for all the racist reasons one would expect from a town designed to keep black and brown people at the edges of the c...

 I think every day I know less what I should be doing than any day that preceded it. I'm 33 now. I feel like I had a better sense of purpose when I was 16. There was probably a good period between 20 and 25 where things could have found a track. There was an obvious and clear path somewhere, I'm sure. I would have found someone to marry. Or something I liked to do. Or had a baby. Maybe all three things. At the very least I could have found a job that I liked and could settle in to while writing on the side. I could have thrown everything away and moved to a coastal city to chase some dream. I could have believed in having a dream. I spent the Monday before my birthday looking up who would inherit my debts if I die. I've spent so much time lately wondering what I would do in an active shooter situation and fearing being shot, but then I spent about 20 minutes considering several viable ways to quietly kill myself while Collin was playing DnD. The most obvious answer is all t...

 I'm getting my second COVID vaccine today. Should I be putting COVID in all caps all the time, I wonder? Like- is that the grammatically correct way of referencing covid? Do I care about grammar in this instance when I am so bad with it regularly? Who's to say? Anyway, I'm high on Ambien and thinking about my day and my life. I'm not high on Ambien in the sense that I'm just taking it to party and write sad blogs, I if you don't fall asleep right away you get a little high. I watch things I forget I watched, although I guess that's not an uncommon occurrence while I'm not high. I buy groceries I don't need. I guess that might not also be completely dissimilar from my normal functioning, so I suppose you'll just have to take my word for it. As I'm getting sleepy, but not quite there, I feel intoxicated. I was thinking about the magnitude of wasted time and experience when I slipped into this state. What is a life wasted? There are probably to...