Problematic

I can't say that I missed you as much as I have missed other things, but I do feel bad for being gone for so long. I hope you didn't miss me. I like the one-sided sense of community, but I hate to think I was letting anyone down. I've been very productive today and I hate it. No one should have to be productive. Things may look like they're improving, but they haven't demonstrably improved yet and we should all be allowed to just stop. I realize this is a very privileged and impractical position to take. There are a lot of people who are never really allowed to stop. The people that feed us, the people that take care of us while we're unwell, the people who pick up our trash. A lot of people we regularly don't give enough respect or pay enough couldn't be as unproductive as I want everyone to be able to experience. Probably, honestly, the people who most deserve a break. Maybe some day. It's a new year and a new administration in the United States of...

 I cry, all the time. In the middle of the night when no one is awake to see is the best time. I hate crying in front of Collin. I cry, and I try to think of something else to do but there's nothing that cuts through the exhaustion. I just want to be ok. I just want to be able to do my school work without running out of steam. It's pretty outside and I want to go outside and run...but the call to just lie down is so much stronger. I don't even sleep. I just lie in bed thinking of almost nothing. I saw my psychiatrist today. A new one. She's nice. She seems bright and has good energy. She thanked me for sharing. She really seemed to want to work with me. I just want things to be fixed. I just want to stop being overwhelmed when other people seem to be powering through so well. I want to get back to my writing. And painting. I want to get away from the constant pain and lethargy. I can barely work. I can barely make up the energy to see the few people I'm allowed to s...

 It's weird to think of the things we have to "come out" as. Because there's a set of defaults. Presumptions are made that you're "normal" and fit neatly into the categories people are supposed to have fit neatly into since people became a thing.  Of course, there never has been a neat set. There are always "outliers", but should they really be considered outliers if they were truly part of the standard the whole time? Being gay isn't new. It was a default. Just something that had to be kept in secret. This isn't me coming out as being gay, bisexual, pansexual or transgender. I'd rather be considered non-binary, but this isn't about that either. I've been watching I May Destroy You and recently finished a great documentary called Audrey and Daisy. So this is me coming out as someone who has been sexually assaulted. Which is a very normal thing, that shouldn't be a very normal thing. What else is there to come out as? Doe...

 We saw Cabaret for the first time this weekend. Sort of spur of the moment over two nights because I started it at like 1am on Saturday and neither of us could push through the oddity for two straight hours. I'm not sure I really got the point, but I do now want to go as Sally Bowles for Halloween, so that's something, right? It reminded me a little of Breakfast at Tiffany's but sadder and with more Nazis. I think it's just really hard for me to take a piece of art with a selfish girl who dreams of being more but just can't let herself be loved and do anything more than go "OMG SO ME" in the most millennial way possible. Like the whole time she's flitting around and pretending things are fine and talking things up to make herself seem cooler I'm like #ImBeingAttacked. But I'm not even that good at putting on the interesting enigmatic brave face, I'm so much better at the wide eyed accusations that things were never going to work out anyway...

I need to pee. I want to sleep... I am very worried I am developing a tolerance to my Ambien. ------------------------------------------------- Days Later: I'm so tired. I still want to sleep. I'm so greedy for it. I can't get enough of it. Literally. I keep sleeping like 4-6 hours. Unless I manage to get a nap in...which is spotty at best.  I bought "I Don't Want To Die Poor" and I've been going through it kind of slowly. I made it through the first chapter pretty quickly, but I'm just not a great reader anymore. It's very relatable, even though I don't have nearly as much debt and none of mine is private loans. I feel pretty lucky in that. I have also started "I May Destroy You" and I'm a little bothered by how much it reminds me of myself. I can recall fondly the nights I can't recall at all after a certain point, but it's jarring to see someone else blackout. Sometimes it feels like I have so few memories it's pain...

I say, "We should get married." to Collin in frequent random intervals. I have a lot of intrusive thoughts and impulses, and between "go stab yourself" and "tell your boyfriend of less than a year you want to marry him" it seems pretty obvious which is okay to give in to. But there's less clean-up involved in telling Collin I want to marry him, so I go with that one anyway. Another impulse I've been giving into a lot is masturbating. I think the world is just grim enough that every day warrants funeral sex. I've heard this is a thing. Pop-culture tells me so and why would pop-culture lie to me about people getting horny around dead people? Pop-culture would never lie to me! Especially about people getting horny around dead people!! The given excuse for this increased libido seems to be something like "wanting to feel alive." I think I'm operating this on a much more basic level of brain functioning in that it's a quick and eas...

Today sucks. And it sucks that today sucks because I have been working out every day this week. Which is only 3 days, but that is still more consistent than I had been for a long time. I still made myself go for a 20 minute walk today...but today was largely just sad and sleepy. The president wants to delay the elections. And the world is still full of pandemic and racial injustice and secret police picking up protesters and generally terrible shit. But for a few days I had energy. I was out walking and running. Yesterday I went out twice then played Just Dance while my nerd boyfriend was busy with DnD and couldn't see my secret shame. Then today sucked. Because there's a seemingly increased chance that America is going to become one of those countries where a despot refuses to leave power and this guy is so dumb and so terrible an already flawed country is becoming a laughing stock shithole. And to anyone who would say "Well if you don't like it, fuck you and leave....