Problematic

Today sucks. And it sucks that today sucks because I have been working out every day this week. Which is only 3 days, but that is still more consistent than I had been for a long time. I still made myself go for a 20 minute walk today...but today was largely just sad and sleepy. The president wants to delay the elections. And the world is still full of pandemic and racial injustice and secret police picking up protesters and generally terrible shit. But for a few days I had energy. I was out walking and running. Yesterday I went out twice then played Just Dance while my nerd boyfriend was busy with DnD and couldn't see my secret shame. Then today sucked. Because there's a seemingly increased chance that America is going to become one of those countries where a despot refuses to leave power and this guy is so dumb and so terrible an already flawed country is becoming a laughing stock shithole. And to anyone who would say "Well if you don't like it, fuck you and leave....

There's a really bright blinking light at the corner of the desk in the "living room/office space" because Collin is a scientist. A steady, blue heartbeat amongst wires, just under the glow of a red light. It's a very sci-fi looking arrangement in the eerie stillness of 1:30 in the morning. It's something he would normally have unplugged, but he was tired and went to sleep early, so it gets to stay awake with me. It gets to know the world I know. The world that happens when no one unplugs you at midnight. It's not a terribly interesting world. I was watching the latest season of On My Block and that was going really well. I had been skittish about getting started on it because it could be a bit of an emotional roller coaster, or at least season 2 was, and the cliffhanger was so startling I wasn't sure I could handle it with everything else going on. I'm only 4 episodes in, but they have been charming and sweet as they can be, so I feel I was being ...

I've been writing a lot more for work, which does not mean that my writing has improved in any fashion. It just means my very kind supervisors are paying me for garbage when I'd rather be paid for wasting time and napping. I think we all would. There's not much to do beyond sit with a lack of stimulation, and that doesn't generate very good outcomes. I suppose right now is just a moment that proves who the truly imaginative are, and I am not coming out on top. So, I'm writing more for work because we have a grant proposal to complete because despite my best efforts I can't wish capitalism away and we're all still stuck pretending work matters. Some of it does. And some of it will again. It's probably more prudent to keep going under the premise that what you're doing right now will be sustainable in the future. That is, if you're not inventive enough to come up with something that really will be more sustainable in the future. There's proba...

A note from long ago that still has relevance but much less so: Fuck John Bolton...I just can't believe we are living in a world where people are buying books from shitheads that refused to turn on the president when it mattered. They don't deserve attention. They don't deserve money. They should be in jail, if only I didn't believe that we already jailed too many people. Maybe we should fine them. That seems fair. Fuck John Bolton and fuck anyone who buys his book because we already know what's in it- Donald Trump is a fucking cunt and literally the worst. We. All. Already. Know. And. You. Prevented. Change. Notes from a few nights ago- a sleepless time: Sometimes I laugh to myself when I lay topless in bed like I have gotten away with something. As though God would censor me but I have evaded them through my poor scheming. I don't think God would be part of a gender binary, but I do think they would prudishly admonish me for not getting dressed 60% of th...

I'm weak and bored. I downloaded Facebook for my phone again. I opened it for a second and decided it was a mistake. I will probably mindlessly browse until I make myself too anxious again later tonight. I'm still in Austin and read, independent of terrible Facebook shares, that you are now three times more likely to get Covid in Austin than two weeks ago. This is insane. I am now feeling more like shutting down all outside activities like going to the grocery store. Today we set up a pick-up order for the first time since this started. We're all supposed to be staying in again until August 15th even though the governor is letting theme parks reopen because we're run by republican idiots. I still can't distract myself with TV. There's nothing I feel I can lose myself in the same way I did the garbage children of Vanderpump Rules. I've also lost access to the most recent Drag Race seasons. I'll need to make a new trial account once All Stars 5 is do...

Have you seen Pose? It's so good. It's a great show even when we're not in the middle of Pride Month and celebrating Black artists, but it's perfect in the moment. It's gorgeous. It's devastating. It's uplifting. It reminds us to fight and hope, and sadly, that queer people of color have been fighting and hoping for a very long time. It's one of my favorite shows even though it is pretty hard to binge because of all the feels. And never forget the dancing and costume design. What have I done today? Watched things. Went for a run and worried a little when my right arm got a little numb...but it was 3PM in Texas so I'm lucky I didn't faint considering how out of shape I am. I reminded all my friends how out of shape I am in various group and individual texts. I followed up on the birthday wishes I got yesterday on Facebook because I decided yesterday I was getting too anxious from checking Facebook on my phone so I deleted the app again. Last t...

It's my birthday. And it feels like there's no way to celebrate it. People are dying. People have died. In a way that seems much graver than the deaths that used to happen. And I am anxious all the time. I got an e-mail yesterday for a job interview in an ER. I initially misread the e-mail and did not realize that I would be physically in the ER so I was thrilled. Once I started to consider what working in an office where I would undoubtedly be exposed to Covid-19 would mean I became incredibly anxious. More so than normal. Incapable of further functioning. I don't think I'm brave enough for that responsibility. People are doing this right now. People are brave and they are dying. And it feels almost stupid to care when I spend so much time being suicidal that I might get sick and die. It feels unfair to all the people who aren't mentally ill. It feels even less fair to any current healthcare workers that are mentally ill. Everything feels so unfair. A...