Problematic

Why does my boyfriend use so much Spanglish? Why is that a white guy thing? You're not forgetting what the word is in this new language you've learned. It's not the product of growing up first generation American in a Spanish speaking household. Honestly, he intersperses Spanish more often than any Hispanic person I know. These are the things that haunt me in this new and troubling time. My boyfriend is a basic-ass white guy for doing this basic-ass white guy thing. Like, stepping off a curb, double finger guns saying "I'll catch you guys, mañana~" level basic. It's incredibly weird that my furthest relationship has become my closest relationship to a now uncomfortably close degree and I'm so far away from all my formerly incredibly close female relationships. Like, we started a discord channel, but I have no idea what small cultural slights any one of them is committing right now! It's like I don't even know who they are! It's like I...

And neither do you. What do I say at the end of the world? Probably start with, "This isn't the end of the world, you're being super dramatic." But I have always had a flair for it, the drama, so it would be silly to stop now that it is a little more understandable. The whole world is just so much drama right now. The year 2020 is the person 6 drinks in, sloshing their next one, and loudly announcing that they are "NOT HERE FOR ANY DRAMA THIS YEAR" before telling off 3 of their friends, stripping down and falling into the pool... no that that is a scene I would have any direct experience in making. Definitely not standing on top of anything. I've been trying for what feels like weeks to come up with something to write. It has technically been a few weeks since things started to get bad in America, and Texas specifically has not been shut down for very long, but it feels like weeks longer than it has been. With like no end in sight. You know thi...

Not everyone gets what they deserve. Sometimes people do- sometimes you're in the middle of getting what you deserve, right, and no one knows. People tell me I deserve good things, and I have a hard time reconciling that with my experiences. Does everyone have a hard time hearing they deserve good things? I think the people who truly deserve good things are the people who try. I'm not sure I'm truly a trier. On the outside it appears I am trying because it appears I have a lot going on, but I don't know that this is honestly the case. If I were trying, wouldn't there be some successes somewhere? Are there people who are constantly and earnestly trying who never make any progress? Is that the kind of person I am? If that's the case, shouldn't I then try to reevaluate where things are going wrong and how I can do something I might succeed at? This again seems like advanced level trying that I am not doing. My friends try. They try very hard and they ...

I have 40 minutes before my discussion section and before the computer lab opens up so that I can print my assignment. So, I will probably be 15 minutes late to an hour long session. Hooray~! I did do this all rather last minute though, so I have only myself to blame. Myself and a system of oppression. I also don't have coffee money. But my boyfriend will be in town tonight and that's a small comfort. A very small comfort, but a comfort none the less. So~ I made promises. Which I followed up on. Then pretty promptly forgot. Actually~ neither of us really seems entirely sure why we started to hang out pretty exclusively all the time. The running theory is that I would hang out at their place at various intervals with his roommates in order to try to make myself a more well-rounded human being. A task I fail at every day, and did not do any better with when I was carrying out these experiments. We believe that when he was in town on the weekends he'd be around w...

Glasgow cont./Futile Devices I want to start with something more recent, then we'll skip back. It's a pretty annoying method of story telling that is kind of over-used. I know I'm tired of How To Get Away With Murder using it, although they have no other way of formatting that one- you know, because you gotta start with the murder they're eventually going to get away with. That's not the case here. This is not essential. I just like this moment the best, for all it's cheesy glory. It's the moment that properly convinced me I had every chance of succeeding in wearing Collin down to finally properly dating me. It's a very simple moment: Shortly after I initially reached out to him, after about an 8 year hiatus, one of us mentioned my manic pixie dream girl tendencies. You know I'm sort of annoyingly the type: I worked at a pet store, I sometimes dream of running a quirky bakery, I jump into fountains and generally chase experiences. The biggest i...

Everything Reminds Me of Her I am trying to make this our song. Perhaps not our song, so much as a song that reminds him of me. It is a very obvious joke. We are, in retrospect, a very obvious couple. I have a few songs for a few people: I have dedicated C'mere by Interpol more than once to Issa. It accurately described in part the devastation I felt when she married Bren and could no longer be mine alone. Ryan and I have agreed that Too Much by Carly Rae Jepsen is the theme to all our visits together and this is something we relish. Let's Dance to Joy Division by The Wombats is a song for my favorite people from my favorite time that I wasn't clever enough to appreciate in the moment, much as I am not clever enough to appreciate the now...I don't know that this is something I will evolve from. Perhaps I have in a way. I do appreciate this and most other moments with my new-old boyfriend. And it's an unexpectedly unique feeling. Shortly after we started ...

Hi How Are You? (Please read with the same chirpy cadence as Contrapoints has been using lately.) I'm miserable, thanks for asking. My head is blank. My head is cluttered. I have a new appreciation for those canvases that are solid white and the value is in the time it took to paint a thousand thin layers over years with a different stroke and intention in each. My mind is cluttered with sheets of white noise. The level of transparency for any one of them is not the same, so tangled I stumble trying to avoid trampling things, treading where I shouldn't, certain I'm going to fall. Fail and fall. Fall and fail. The clutter won't make a good excuse. Does anything, really? It's been a very long time, it feels. I should use you more often- because using you feels much less draining than using anyone else. Anything else. It's a new year and so much has changed. So much is good. So much is better and easier and kinder. So much is clearer. So much is the same. A...