Problematic

Today I'm appreciating that I never experience full-on mania. Instead I get a lot of small manic blips in between psuedo-manias. It's like I'm always on just a little more heroin than meth, but I slip in a little Addy sometimes and that slow releases to really melodramatic hyper-focused bursts of sadness energy and the itches. I stay up reading and scratching and watching and pulling things out of drawers and ottomans and making small islands and doing too much laundry when its dark and the outside is a vast clearing that seems perfect for something to rush through and then i realize that i've got four bottles of shampoo and a new foaming body wash because it was clearanced but it's probably made by children out of baby seal tears and one hundred percent carcinogenic and i'm garbage and all i do is make garbage so much garbage maybe i should open a store that makes soaps that don't have to be packaged but i bet that would be really expensive maybe i should s...

Sea teeth are frightening. The ocean is far more ferocious than we give it credit. Everything has sharp gnashing fangs. My sister used to be very into owls, and now it's otters...their teeth are not as frightening. I've been drunk-ish for the last four evenings. And tonight we are watching Blue Planet II, after finishing The Hookup Plan....which I desperately hope gets a second season, because I so need the fabricated romance in my life. I've finished 4 paintings. I have 4 left. I have finished one bottle of wine tonight, but I started it yesterday, so that's not quite correct. I finished two bottles the night before. And I am not sure how I drank before that. It's cocktail season. I can't bear to be cuffed by anything less than a warm buzz. I broke a glass container and I have kept the shards because in the dead of night I lay awake and dream of death. Crabs are freaks. I just read through a bit of a notebook I didn't realize I had been journaling...

I am injured. It is not a physical injury, but a spiritual one. I could never be more hurt than to discover that my friends have been very poor ones, as I have been obsessed with my ex for years and not once did anyone think to hire a hot French escort for me. Not once!! I have a sister as well. I am aggrieved! Truly, I am alone in the world. Out on the streets trying to arrange my own dick appointments like a Dickensian orphan. "Please sir, can I have some more?" I have started watching The Hook-Up Plan. This is how I became aware of yet another short-coming of my social safety net. I suppose I should give them a bit of a break. It's probably marginally more difficult to find a French sex-worker here. Especially one that looks like a tall ethnically ambiguous Tom Hardy. I started watching the show because I decided I should start watching more foreign language things in order to practice listening. And I started with a French show rather than a Spanish show because I...

I am starting my internship on Tuesday, so I am compelled to do as I always do, and cram for the test of life. Estoy empezando mi pasantia el martes. Asi, que estoy obligado a hacer lo que siempre hago. Google doesn't know the word for "cram." Google no sabe la palabra para "cram." I am trying to speak to the kitten in Spanish, because she's the only one I regularly talk to... Estoy tratando de hablar con la gatita en espanol porque ella es la unica con la que hablo regularmente. So I learned the things I normally say to her: Asi que apredi las cosas que normalmente le digo a ella "Who's a kitten?!" "Quien es una gatito?!" "Shut up" - which I technically already knew because of my sad sad childhood "Callate" - lo que tecnicamente ya sabia por mi triste infancia and y "No one will ever love you" -  which I say because I am a broken person and I am projecting "Nadie te ama...

My mother has her final procedure today. Her final "surgery." She'll still need to have her fake nipple colored in. That's done in her plastic surgeon's office. I'm guessing it will be my mother's first tattoo. Not because I don't know if my mother has any other tattoos. Au contraire- I have now seen my mother in all her glory about 3 or 4 times, so unless she has some small tattoo between her toes or in the inside of her mouth, I know it would be her first tattoo. I just don't know if what they're going to do to color her nipple will be considered a tattoo. I should look it up, I guess. Maybe it's lasers. Everything is lasers these days. It's easy to understand all those drama plot-lines about hospitals becoming triggers when you've been in one as a repeat guest. There's a distinct energy to a hospital or a clinic. I imagine if it were common for people to die of complications in the middle of a Lowe's hardware store trau...

I should be studying. This is a recurring theme. And an awareness that I never give credence. Or, perhaps, bearing on what I am doing. I did study. But not enough. I have a test on Monday that is very important. I thought I'd watch Destination Wedding. It was more than I could have hoped for, and still very problematic. So much so, that I can relate to Winona Ryder's character completely. I am so starved for a good adult rom-com that I'm willing to overlook a really horrendous male lead as long as he brings it home in the end. It's like if negging became a person became a movie. It's absolutely the kind of shit that I would have used 4 years into my 8 year relationship to justify putting up with a horrible dead-inside human being. The saccharine cynicism that broken narcissists can become something resembling whole when they're paired up, if they're pretty and witty. Or just talk very quickly. Every exchange is the kind of dead-pan cringe that soot...

Let's write it out. We've been let down. Betrayed. We've been betraying ourselves. I can't help but think there are going to be shown tomorrow that young voters didn't make it out as much as we hoped. Latinos voted for Republicans despite the hateful rhetoric of their leader, and most of them directly. Women voted for people who don't understand our reproductive system. For people who claim transwomen are going to assault us in the bathroom. We made a man indicted for fraud our attorney general again... So where do things go? What do you want, Texas? Is this really who we want to be? It's comforting to think that maybe this is a simulation. This is my own personal hell. It's time to abandon the angry hurt whiteness of Texas, if I can. If this isn't beyond my control. No one can ever convince me that reality would be so warped as to allow Nazis in the street again. That someone who lies daily is so strongly supported. Never get your hope...